


Mirrorball

by CourageousJS



Series: Mirrorball [1]
Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 64,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourageousJS/pseuds/CourageousJS
Summary: Modern alternative universe, Claire is escaping an abusive marriage from Frank with her son, Fergus. A random meeting turns into something more when she stumbles into James Fraser backstage working a show she's currently acting in. Will they find happiness together or will this ruin everything for both of them?
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Fergus Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Frank Randall, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Series: Mirrorball [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063250
Comments: 456
Kudos: 362





	1. Something New

It's funny. The things we remember after all these years. The details we once thought were only trivial, seem to matter the most in the end. 

The light was warm yellow that September day as I ran around town, tossing ideas back and forth in my head from one side to the other. Should I go or should I not? It had been absolutely years since my last audition and much had happened since I had stopped acting and modeling. For one, I got pregnant. My son, Fergus, was only three now and my body had significantly changed since my last theatre gig. I sighed. 

My phone buzzed sharply on the counter like an annoyed wasp, jolting me out of my reverie in the mirror as I dissected the black pencil cut dress with a harsh eye.

JOE 

You're going to audition right? You really should, Claire. 

"Jesus H. Christ, yes...." I rolled my eyes hard and sent back a much more polite reply as I let my friend know that yes, I would be going. 

Looking back at the mirror I surveyed my post-baby body with as much confidence as I could muster. My husband, Frank, had mentioned to me a week ago that he missed my body before I had Fergus. I tried brushing off the pang of sadness that ran through my heart. Going from a size 6 to a 10 felt so much more personal after he pointed that out. Jerk. 

"This is as good as it gets, Beuchamp. Take it or leave it." 

I grabbed my keys, kissed Fergus on his head and walked out the door. Frank half-assed a goodbye and I didn't really care to respond. 

As good as it gets will have to do. 

..........................................................................................................................................................................................

"Jamie, you really should come to rehearsal tonight. I mean it, this girl is cute." 

Jamie only snorted behind his desk at the print shop and glanced over at his friend and co-worker, Ian. 

"You say that everytime, besides let's not forget the last chick you set me up with and how THAT ended. Besides, as director how well do you know this girl?" 

"Enough to know you'll be interested." Ian entreated. 

"Yeah, she dumped and tossed me out a month after I moved in with her... THAT was fun," Jamie reminded. 

He wasn't into rebounds. Why couldn't Ian let this one go? 

"Claire is different, trust me." Ian reassured, "I'm not just saying that. I really think you'll hit it off." 

Jamie pushed away from the order he was working on on the computer and ran a hand through his messy auburn hair. What the hell. 

"Fine, but you're not allowed to keep hounding me about it. I'll come tonight." 

Ian beamed. 

Jamie scooted his chair back under the desk and tried shuffling papers about with ink-laden hands. 

Claire. 

He'd never dated a Claire before, no one he knew had. The name itself held a mystery in his mind. Something about it seemed new and exciting. 

He shook his head putting that thought out of its misery. What the hell indeed. Who was this lady?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ficlet is inspired by Taylor Swift's Mirrorball song, the idea of this plot was twisting around in my head for months and I had searched for a feeling, something to capture what I wanted this to say. One day, Mirrorball came up in my playlist and it hit me with the vibe of this story. 
> 
> I want you to know  
> I'm a mirrorball  
> I can change everything about me to fit in  
> You are not like the regulars  
> The masquerade revelers  
> Drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten
> 
> I think everyone my age can relate to it, that one love. That one moment you felt vulnerable out of the blue with someone who noticed you and saw your broken edges as shining beautiful, not shattered. I dedicate this story to all of you.


	2. First Impressions

The fluorescent tubes in the lights above the stage hummed quietly from their heavenly perches. The stage had been freshly scrubbed and painted over pure black, new and ready for marking with a new show. A mild dust hung in the air that I was all-too familiar with and greeted me like an old friend. 

It was good to be back. I had always found theatre to be a welcome break to my regular life, now staying home full time with Fergus as Frank went off to pursue his own career. Fergus was my one light in the darkness. I swallowed my feelings down into the depths of my stomach and paced the stage, my gray boots clacking the floorboards of the bare room. 

We had been running the show multiple times that month, each time more tedious than the last. But it was all memory work and blocking, apart from a few chairs and water bottles around the bare space, there was nothing much to see of the show yet. My co-stars were nice enough, a good family show. I was the love interest, barely a part at all, just a young woman whose purpose was to go on a few dates with the leading man, an actor who was nice enough but I hardly knew. 

Ian came in late, looking rough but happy. His hands full of new scripts, light mint green and ready for marking up with stage directions. Rounding up the cast in the auditorium, he took to the stage for a quick announcement. 

“Zachary won’t be coming in tonight, he texted that he had a family emergency, but it’s okay.”   
My heart sank. Of course. He’s just half the show, no big deal. 

The others murmured to themselves for a second. 

“It’s okay because my friend is coming, Jamie will be here any second and he’ll read Zachary’s part tonight if that’s okay with everyone.” 

Ian flashed a grin at me, I wrinkled my brow slightly but knew the show must go on. 

Let’s hope this Jamie guy is an actor and won’t feed me my lines like he’s reading a phone book. 

……………………………………………………………………………..

Jamie locked his car and turned to go inside. It had been 10 hours since he left the flat he shared with Ian and he honestly just wanted to go back to it to relax for the night. The shop had constant orders that day and between being on the phone and computer, he was truly exhausted. 

In getting ready to head over from the shop, Jamie changed his shirt to a gray tee and put on his green and blue flannel over it. Admittedly, he knew those were his colors so why the hell not. He felt a blush of shyness creeping over his face as he realized he was totally trying to make an impression, no matter how small, on this Claire girl. The flannel had come from his nanny, supposedly it was the family tartan colors, or once she had told him as she recounted a story from her time as a little girl in Scotland. 

They were all gone now, only his sister Jenny remained and she was in and out of Jamie’s life regularly. Even more now that she was engaged to Ian. She was always around to chide him for being a bachelor, and for not having his life together as much as he should, by her impossible standards. 

Jamie was lost in his thoughts when he entered the stage door to the theatre and was greeted with the familiar smell of a new set being built. He had starred in many shows in high school but that was a good ten years ago, now. Nothing like the side hobby Ian started up, of working for The Ball theatre. 

Just as he rounded the corner of the stage to walk out from behind the curtain, Ian gestured towards him and held out a small, green book. Jamie caught the paperback and immediately shot Ian a quizzical look. 

Ian puffed out his chest a little, trying to look proud as he introduced him to the group. 

“Everyone, this is Jamie Fraser. My best friend and honestly, the best actor I know. He’ll be playing the part of Alexander tonight.” 

Holy God. 

Jamie was raised Catholic enough never to take the Lord’s name in vain, Jenny had seen to that, but in the moment it was the first thought that popped into his head. Typical Ian. Not even a head’s up text that he would be acting tonight. 

Jamie glanced down at the paperback script in his hand and looked up again. 

For the second time in as many minutes, he cursed mentally again. 

Goddamnit, she was beautiful. 

Claire, for it must have been her as everyone else in the cast was much too old to be whom Ian was referring to, was sitting on the far end of the room by the edge of the stage. Wrapped in a dark green cardigan, her gray boots tapping nervously on the floor as she surveyed him cautiously. Dark hair messy and in a low bun, wisps of red and deep chestnut played around her jawline. Her honey brown eyes lit up, or maybe they were always that bright. Her lips were full and flushed slightly rose, he thought they turned down a little at the edges. Her mouth twitched slightly just on one side and she darted her eyes away and to the right realizing she was meeting his gaze steadily for what seemed like a minute.

Jamie felt as if he had been shocked electrically. Before he knew it, his hand jutted out and he crossed the stage in three steps just to be near her. His heart leaped into his throat as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Hey, I’m Jamie.” 

A warm flush crept into his face as he realized how forward he must have looked to her. 

“Claire,” she said softly, slipping her small hand into his rough one. 

Her fingers were smooth and light as silk and he was suddenly painfully aware of how much ink had been on his hands that day in the warehouse. Her eyes flashed with some deeper emotion and, just as quickly, she looked away and slipped her hand back into her lap as if she’d touched something hot. 

Clearing his throat he waved to the rest of the group and sat down next to her in the empty chair at her side. 

Jamie looked up. Ian was watching the whole interaction of course, grinning ear to ear. Jamie knew he hadn’t heard the last of this tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I really do appreciate each and every one of you, this is my first work so I'm very grateful for the response. 
> 
> Also... this is a slow burn. I know I haven't given much of Claire's backstory yet but it's coming up. Ian is unaware that she is married. I'll get to that next chapter ;) Jamie is in the dark here and I want the reader to feel the same way.


	3. You Can Feel It In The Silence

As soon as I reached my silver SUV, I got in and let out a deep breath. Blowing all the air out of my lungs hard, I turned the key over in the ignition and let the familiar rumble of the engine break the silence that seemed almost deafening.

My heart was racing as much as my thoughts and I didn’t know which thought to acknowledge first. Were any of them valid? Did it matter if they weren’t?

_Get a grip, Claire._

I edged my foot on the gas pedal and cautiously reversed out of the parking space. The Ball theatre was a dim blur against the autumn skyline of a chilly, Boston evening. I turned left when I should have turned right, giving myself more time alone as I took the back roads home.

Time moved too fast. I played it all back like a VHS tape in my mind, going over the details obsessively.

The hum of the lights, the air, thick and dry with the smell of sawdust from the build.

The blue-green glow of the script cover in my hand, soft and smooth as I turned the pages.

Everything seemed gray until he walked onto the stage. Muddled.

Jamie cut a clean figure against the deep red of the curtain on stage left.

His build, tall and steady. His broad shoulders cut an angle and towered over the rest of them, he had to be easily six foot three.

I had caught my breath, disgusted at how much I hated how beautifully put together he was in a perfectly undone sort of way. The way only a truly handsome man could pull off with minimal effort. His hair was long and tousled perfectly with his fingers in a way that made it fall ever so slightly against his neck and curl outwards. The rusty brown-red of his hair tickled the scruff against his strong jawline. His eyes, blue and brilliantly cat-like were sloped ever so slightly upwards at the outward corner giving the appearance of liveliness and danger.

His gaze had immediately locked onto me and I sat up a little straighter. My mouth was dry and I was unable to move further. Stuck in a daze, I only vaguely heard Ian’s introduction to the group.

Jamie.

I drank his appearance in with abandon before realizing I probably looked like a fish out of water, I felt just as out of place as I did staring at him.

Before I regained my composure and darted my eyes away, he crossed the stage and held out his plaid-wrapped arm towards me in greeting.

I remember murmuring my name in response to his warm, golden voice saying his own.

His hand felt rough and heavy and he squeezed it ever so slightly before letting mine go. Hot and with a flush rising to my face, my fingers retreated back to my lap just as he took the chair next to me. His broad shoulders bending down as he grasped his play book, his shirt brushing my shoulder as I noticed my breathing was painfully shallow.

Swallowing, I tried to down the cotton-like lump in my throat before it became too apparent that my mind was blank with him so close to me.

Seriously. There were five other empty chairs around the room and he took the one next to me.

I noticed Ian smirking at me and I bit my lip as I sat up even more determined to look casually indifferent.

………………………………………………………………………………...

My mind snapped back to my driving as a car behind me honked its horn rudely. I was sitting at a green light.

_Damnit._

I tried driving the rest of the way home in silence but echoes of the warm, golden tone of his voice followed me home.  
……………………………………………………………………………………….

I turned the key in the latch on our older flat, letting myself in quietly. The kitchen stove clock stood at a steady 9:11 pm, I slipped my gray booties off and walked quietly into Fergus’s room. His three-year-old body was a tiny figure in his new big boy bed, his dark curls patterned my own hair and were a mess on the pillow, framing his red, chubby cheeks as he dreamt in the warm glow of his nightlight.

I felt the warm exhale from his ruby lips as I kissed them lightly and sneaked out of the room. I passed our wide, leather couch on the way to the master bedroom. Frank’s face looked up from the glow of his Iphone.

“How did rehearsal go?” Frank moved and let his phone slide to his chest.

I rested a hand wearily on the arm of the couch, “Okay I guess.”

My answer was as vague as the interest he showed as his phone buzzed again with a text alert.  
“Good, that’s good. Are you going to bed?” Frank asked.

“Yeah, you?”

He nodded, his thin face looked wan in the dim light of the flat.

“Goodnight, dear.” He sighed and rolled over, phone in hand. I couldn’t see the screen.

I felt a slight rush of embarrassment at the anger I felt at his disinterest. He could call me darling and dear and all the names in the world and it would fall flat.

I wondered which new coworker he was talking to, I had become increasingly aware of a few women in his department whose names popped up on his caller ID every few evenings. He would take the calls outside or decline to answer and the phone would inevitably buzz with a missed voicemail a few seconds later.

It pained me that these calls were taken during our times in the evening as a family. Fergus and I had developed a close bond as Frank never seemed to be engaged these days. It had been months since he took to sleeping on the couch with the pretense of letting me get more sleep in our bed alone. I knew it was just to give him space to answer whomever was texting.

I washed my face and dressed for bed submersed in my thoughts of the evening, eager to slip into sleep and oblivion with the memory of Jamie’s warm, comforting voice wrapping around my subconscious mind. I fell asleep with my hand open, remembering the electricity I felt as he touched my fingers.

I was surprised that I felt no shame.


	4. Request Accepted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life in the digital age makes it all-too easy to connect. And lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for emotional abuse in this chapter. Some of the phrases used were ones my abuser said to me, personally. As much I know this rings true for many abusive relationships, I wanted to warn readers in case they get triggered. I'll be doing this on each chapter that contains potential triggers.  
> Abuse of any kind is never okay.

The sky was overcast and gray that October morning as Jamie went for his usual early morning run. Running always cleared his head and helped him process the week, it was a holy ritual and one he looked forward to, especially after this week. 

Two days, another two to go before rehearsals resumed. Ian had informed him that Zachary’s grandmother had taken ill and he needed Jamie to fill the position for a few more days yet. Not that he complained. 

“You could have played the role yourself, you know.” Ian chided as he came in that Thursday after rehearsal. 

“Yeah yeah,” Jamie retorted, although the thought of it almost pained him. “I’m grateful, brother. But you know I’m too busy at the shop to commit to that.” 

To play opposite that beautiful brunette would have been grand, he thought. But if he was being totally honest, the commitment to acknowledging how much Claire had been on his mind was heavier than anything at the print shop that needed his attention. 

The bitter chill in the air burned his lungs and, reaching the flat he shared with Ian, he pushed open the red door to their brownstone dwelling to find the smell of freshly brewed coffee permeating the room and his sister, Jenny, on the loveseat curled up with Ian. 

“You didn’t tell me you had a prospect, little brother!” Jenny declared, her dark eyes lighting up with mischief. 

“Aye, well.” Jamie muttered in response, his cheeks flaming red from more than just the run. He shot an accusing look at Ian who merely shrugged and went back to rubbing Jenny’s fluffy-socked foot that was propped up on his chest adoringly. 

Jenny was a fiery little thing, always reminding Jamie of a little black bird, eager to peck her beak into anything news worthy. Her Scottish lilt was light thanks to Granny’s raising her for four years before he entered the world. Even so, Jamie found his own accent poking through being around her, something he had tried hard to subdue in his actor days before he realized he needed more than just actor pay to live on in Boston. 

“It’s nothing, really. You needn’t worry.” Jamie tried to wipe the grin off his face, but he was beaming with the sudden relief he felt about someone else bringing up Claire. 

“He’s scarcely talked of anything else, if he says anything at all these days.” Ian winked at his future brother-in-law. 

“I don’t worry,” Jenny lied boldfaced. “Well whoever she is, tell her she better be taking good care of you. I didn’t much fancy the last trollop you brought home.” 

Jamie raised his voice slightly. 

“I don’t need minding, Jenny. You’d do well to remember that.” 

Jenny put her small hands in the air in an irritated way. Four years older or not, she never could stop being mother. 

Jamie walked to the bathroom to run a shower just as he felt a small vibration from his jacket pocket. 

One notification. 

Friend request. 

Claire Beauchamp

Her profile picture flashed on the screen, a professional headshot. Blue blouse, dark hair pulled up into a side bun with her honey eyes glowing in a serene smirk. Happier than he’d seen her, maybe she’d smile again like that when he was around. 

Jamie wiped his face, full of mixed emotion and sweat. 

Swipe, tap. 

Request accepted. 

…………………………………………………….

I caught my breath as Jamie immediately accepted my request. I had been on Facebook that morning, friending most of the cast to keep tabs on the rehearsal schedule. All other requests had been courteous, one to our new stage manager Geillis Duncan, another to our producer, her husband Arthur. Ian, of course, Zachary and the other older castmates. 

The name James Fraser popped up in my “might know” friends of friends list and I paused for a second before I hit the request button. 

The digital age made it all too easy to connect. 

I felt a rush of excitement that ebbed into panic as I saw he accepted the request. I quickly clicked on my profile to make sure it was vague. 

I didn’t have my relationship status on Facebook. As an actor I hardly had anything personal at all in case a casting agent looked at it and was considering me. I also had stopped wearing my ring long ago under the same pretense. 

White lies are still lies, Beauchamp. 

I swallowed my guilt hastily and took a deep breath. Time to face the music.

Frank was playing with Fergus out in the living room of our flat. They had built a tent out of sheets and pillows and Fergus was loudly shrieking in pleasure running and hiding from his dad as they both ran about on all fours. 

This was it. My family. Couldn’t change it, if I tried. Or wanted to. 

“What do you boys want to do with our Saturday?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame watching them. 

Frank didn’t look up but Fergus ran over to me and swatted at my thighs eager to show me what he’d built. 

“I see, baby. That’s awesome!” I ran my hands through his thick mop of curls. His eyes, blue and happy beamed at me. 

Fergus was developmentally behind due to being born prematurely, so at three he didn’t speak much. One of the reasons I had given up my career to stay home was to take him to multiple therapies at the Boston Children’s Hospital during the week while Frank was at university teaching. 

“I don’t have any plans,” Frank replied to me quietly, his eyes on Fergus. “I was waiting to see what you wanted to do.” 

“What about the museum? You said you wanted to go to that new archaeological exhibit all week?” I suggested. 

“No, I never said that.” Frank’s tone was dull but instantly the air hung around me like a brewing storm. 

“Yes, you did, babe. Like… all week.” I insisted. He had just mentioned it last night. 

“Why on earth would I take Fergus to a place with only breakable stuff?” Frank’s voice was full of cold humor. “Besides you wouldn’t enjoy it.” 

“Why not?” I uncrossed my arms and tilted my head at him, his face was serious now but his gaze never left Fergus. 

“Because you studied theatre. Darling, some of us had harder work with our courses in college.” 

I opened my mouth to protest, but Frank’s tone went back to sugary sweet. 

“I’d hate to bore you both, I hear ancient Mayan culture is a bit of a yawn. We can stay home.” 

My face was obviously deflated, apart from rehearsals I had been inside all week with Fergus. Therapy to therapy and all the at-home guided therapies the interventionist had given me to work through with him. I yearned to get out. 

“Frank, I’d really like to get out-”

“Then go.” Frank bit the words out at me. 

My reply was soft, one last attempt. 

“I’d like to spend time together as a family, too.” 

Frank’s dark, thin face grew twisted on one side and he finally looked at me. His brown eyes were emotionless. 

“See? This is why we never do anything together! You can never make up your damn mind, Claire!” 

Fergus was playing obliviously to Frank’s voice, now-raised at me.

Times like this, I was thankful my son was in his own headspace. 

“Please don’t yell at me,” my voice shook and my nose tingled as the tears suddenly welled up in my eyes. 

“Oh my god, not this again. Stop being so emotional.” Frank bemoaned my apparent instability, a fact he liked to point out all the time. “When I yell at you, you’ll know it, trust me.” 

“But you-” 

“Ferg,” Frank interrupted what I was going to say and pulled Fergus out of the makeshift tent, bouncing him on his knee on the couch, “Your mommy is being absolutely crazy today. What do you say we go outside and find something to do? You wanna swing?” 

My heart sank and I stood frozen in the doorway, angrily fighting back the tears as Frank brushed past me on his way to the back patio with Fergus shrieking with joy.

I walked to the kitchen sink and poured myself a glass of water, using a rough but clean dish towel I hastily wiped away the tears spilling over my dark lashes. A few minutes later, I joined them out in the yard. Going up to Frank, I sidled under his arm as he pushed Fergus on the baby swing we’d hung from our large oak in the yard. 

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. 

Frank kissed the top of my head and squeezed my shoulder. 

“It’s okay.” 

His voice was warm and kind again, I blurted out my usual phrase to stop arguments. 

“You’re right.” I said. “My anxiety makes me crazy sometimes.” 

Without these words, the argument would have lasted the day. Saying them was the only way back to a somewhat normal home life. Better to be crazy than to see his face twist and hear his voice raised with Fergus around. 

I smiled meekly at my chubby toddler in his swing, bright green coat zipped up to his squishy face. He was looking upwards into the tree, his hands trying to reach the sky as he swung back and forth. 

I hoped he’d never stop reaching upwards. 

Frank’s hug eased, but his arm anchored me to the spot as our son soared heavenwards.


	5. Dragon Girl

The sun was setting and my small home smelled of the spicy chili and cornbread I had made for dinner, still on the stove as I hastily got ready for rehearsal that Monday. I tamed my dark hair but had it loose around my shoulders. Grabbing my small, black makeup bag my NARS pencil rolled out onto the bathroom counter. Dragon Girl. A name, a color. It brought it all back to six years ago. 

……………………………………………………………………………………….

My lips were painted a deep red using that NARS pencil that opening night in Alford Auditorium. It was the night Frank had first seen me on stage performing as the leading lady in my university spring show, Fools, by Neil Simon. Although we had run in the same friend group for over the past three years, I had never actually spoken to him. I knew many twittering college girls swooned over the thin, dark haired boy in the history department. But still, that night as he came to my show, I hadn’t thought much of him. 

I remembered bumping into him later in our coffee shop on campus, sitting by the fire that fateful December night we met for a drink. His brown eyes were soft as velvet in the fire’s glow and he beheld my own gaze in a sort of enchanting way. We had talked of everything and nothing at all in particular, his parents, his siblings, what life was like for him to grow up in Oxfordshire before he decided to cross the pond and start schooling here in Boston. 

I had confided in him my own history as a nomad, constantly moving from friends to relatives to old Uncle Lambert before he passed away in ‘02. Per my uncle’s trust I had taken the money to go to a boarding school in upstate New York, a small annuity afterwards kept me fed and clothed as I honored my late uncle’s wishes of attending university. 

Frank sent me a text the day after our coffee date. 

_ Hi, Claire. Would you like to accompany me this weekend to the cinema as my date? I’d like to take you out but wanted you to know my intentions as I think very highly of you and want to consider you a potential girlfriend.  _

His wording felt formal but my quad roommates were thrilled for me. 

“It’s Frank Randall, girl. You lucky duck!” My roommate, Amelia, squealed in delight as she read it. 

The next few months were a blur. Flowers, dinners, four-paged love letters written on parchment and sealed with a red rose stamp started arriving at my dorm. I was utterly taken in. No one, no one ever, had shown me that much interest. 

We played Euchre and stayed up until 3 am talking to each other, looking happy and ragged the next day from the lack of sleep and falling in love. Three months after we had started dating, I found myself in the park downtown by the riverside. By a mosaic near the historic gazebo, Frank had popped the question. I was too stunned to say anything but yes. This man loved me, really really loved me. 

Funny to think about it now, the interest, the love bombing, the letters. All that tenderness soon disappeared after our impromptu wedding that December. Our wedding photos were picture perfect, his hands on my waist, him smiling broadly. What ever girl would dream of, but my eyes were sad that day. 

I had confided in my closest friends that I wasn’t sure about how fast everything was, how much Frank loved me. There was a cutting coldness in his voice if we ever disagreed and it spoke to me of a darker anger hidden under his suave, smooth surface. Slowly, day by day he was becoming unrecognizable as the Frank I had first met. To everyone else he remained just as charming and outgoing. 

“Oh don’t be silly, Claire. He does. You’d be an absolute fool not to marry that guy.” Amelia was the first to negate my feelings leading up to the big day. 

And so, I did. Heart pounding as my feet slowly walked the aisle, our friends beaming at us as a couple. In my heart I must have known, I had barely heard “Moon River” as it played softly on the piano in the corner of the room. I had picked it out specifically to bring me comfort as it reminded me of the scattered, beautiful wreck of a girl I related to so well in  _ Breakfast at Tiffany’s _ . 

It was a beautiful parade to a lovely prison and the spectators were as clueless as I had been. 

………………………………………………………………

I smudged on my lip pencil and just as hastily wiped it off. 

_ Why are you hiding behind this?  _

I knew it was a coping mechanism of mine, the brighter the lip the bolder the feelings I was trying to suppress. Sad? Red lip. Happy? Red lip. Absolutely out of my mind nervous and excited? Red lip. 

I checked myself that I should feel any type of way towards the man I had met, but something about him seared red-hot into my skin like a painful burn I couldn’t stop touching. 

_ Just go and have fun, enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone, Claire. _

Attracted, yes. But of course I knew it was more complicated than that. 

…………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“Hello, Claire.” Jamie’s broad mouth twitched into a smile as soon as he saw her and his eyes lit up. 

God, I had missed that voice. My heart beat faster at him saying my name. 

“Hey,” I said, my voice only rising slightly. “How was everyone’s weekend?” 

I posed the question to the room but my eyes remained focused on Jamie. His gaze didn’t waver from mine as I’m sure he noticed. His eyes flickered to my lips which still bore the slight stain of the pencil, the scruff around his Adam's apple moved slightly as he swallowed and darted his eyes away from my face. 

Jamie’s hand twitched at his side, his ink-stained fingers playing at the fringe of his plaid shirt, which tonight was burgundy and gray reflecting the rising color near his throat as he looked at me from across the room. 

Knowing which scenes we had to block, I knew we would be closer together tonight and my heart thrilled at the thought of being near him again. 

Ian has said Jamie was one of the best actors he knew and watching him come alive as his character, Alex, I got a glimpse into the masterclass that was James Fraser on stage. 

He was an open, willing and honest performer. I admired the way he interacted with the older couples in the cast and treated everyone with utter kindness and respect, giving them as much focus and attention. I could see the new “family” of the cast develop and started bemoaning to myself how much more wonderful the show would have been with such a leading man. He was in a league of his own out there. 

Finally, it was my turn. Ian had called act 2, scene three. After a set-up date by his grandparents, Jamie’s character and mine were left to talk on the sofa after the others had gone to bed. 

Taking my spot opposite Jamie on our makeshift “couch” of two audience chairs pushed together for rehearsal, I felt my body relax and my mind open as I genuinely started performing. 

Jamie cocked his head towards me, eagerly searching my face. Listening, really listening to each word that came out of my mouth. Although his torso was close to me, I felt him stiffen as put a hand on his arm resting on the back of the chair as we had rehearsed with Zachary. 

“I had a lot of fun, tonight, Alex.” I said softly, “I’m glad your gran thought to invite me.” 

“I’m lucky you came.” Jamie replied, his gaze not breaking mine. 

Damn if the man had the script memorized in the second rehearsal.

“Don’t get me wrong, when your Nan sets you up with a girl, it’s always hit or miss.” Jamie laughed a little, his chest rose and fell slowly. 

“And this time?” I said solemnly. 

“Definitely a hit.” Jamie admitted. 

I looked up at him then, maybe it was the way the light hit his face from above but I thought I saw his pupils slowly grow larger. 

I breathed in slowly, trying to remember what came next. Jamie’s chest fell as he exhaled and I was close enough to feel the heat of it on my hand, still on his arm. 

“It’s your line, dickhead!” 

The cast laughed amongst themselves at Ian’s faux-roughness as he yelled at his best friend. 

“Mind your business, I’m acting here you old bastard.” Jamie retorted, his own laughter twitching at the corners of his mouth. “Besides, you’re no even payin’ me!” 

I chuckled at the sudden effect of an accent and Jamie’s eyes lit up even more. He was pleased with himself. 

As we moved onto another scene, Jamie and I found our characters were largely unneeded. I grabbed my jacket and slipped out the stage door to get a moment or two of fresh, cold air in my lungs. My cheeks hurt from smiling and for the first time in a while, I felt happy. 

“There you are.”

I jumped at Jamie’s voice near my ear. He had grabbed his brown leather jacket and joined me outside without me noticing. I forgot how tall he was as he blocked most of the light from the doorway that was propped open with a rock as a makeshift doorstop. 

“Just me, love. Sorry to startle you.” He backed up a step and apologized. 

“It’s okay,” I replied. 

He took a step out into the dark with me and leaned his back against the brick of the old theatre. 

It was so cold, I could see my breath in the air but my ears were suddenly tingling red. 

“Thanks for reading for us,” I offered into the silence, “I suppose Zachary will be back tomorrow.” 

Jamie’s face fell a little, but just as quickly he wiped the look of disappointment away, “Suppose so.” 

He looked at me then, his eyes kind and warm. 

“And it’s no trouble at all, don’t worry. I’d do anything for Ian and besides, I miss the stage.” 

“Did you used to do much live theatre?” I turned to him slightly. 

Jamie nodded, “Here and there, it was my escape from school after Gran died.” 

“I’m sorry to hear,” I consoled. 

He cleared his throat and his smile was back, “Long time ago now, eh? And what of yourself, Claire Beauchamp?” 

I had never changed my name after Frank, but still hearing my full name out of his mouth was wonderful and new. 

“Oh,” I stammered. “No one’s asked me that in a while.” 

I shyly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked out at the night sky. 

“I used to do more shows, this is my first in a long time. It’s good to be back.” 

I offered no explanation for my absence on the stage and he didn’t ask for one. I found myself comfortable and comforted by his quiet stillness. Jamie just  _ was _ . There was no pretense.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m glad you’re back. Here, I mean. I’m glad you came out.” 

I looked at him sideways, “Thanks.” 

“You’re good.” 

There was no trace of sarcasm in his voice, he was genuinely complimenting me. His face searched mine, he seemed mildly puzzled. 

“Thanks,” I murmured.

There was a long pause between us. 

“Are you happy, Claire?” 

_ Shit. _ My heart leapt into my throat and I realized Jamie was a much better actor than I gave him credit for. He knew how to read people, really read them. My body language, my face, my reactions. There was no use pretending in front of a master pretender. 

I looked at him then and really saw him for what he was asking. He knew I wasn’t. 

“In general, no. Here? Yes,” I admitted. “I am happy here, Jamie.” 

He looked away and nodded slowly. 

“Aye. That… that’s good.” He sighed, his voice a little lower. “You deserve to be happy.” 

Another long pause. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, now. I could feel his eyes piercing my person, an unrelenting blue ocean of knowing. 

_ Game’s up, Claire.  _

I was taken aback by his boldness, but also his kindness. How he genuinely said I deserved happiness, how he wanted that for me without even knowing me. Really knowing me. 

“How’d you know?” I asked softly. 

Jamie cleared his throat and turned to go in again, his large hand brushed my shoulder as he turned. He squeezed it gently. 

“Takes one to know one, eh?” He smiled at me, stood up straighter to his full height and nodded smartly. “They’ll miss us, we ought to head back in.” 

He walked away from me into the warmth of the theatre. I was frozen to the spot in the glow of the doorway, suddenly bright with his absence.

I swallowed down the growing lump in my throat, I so badly wanted to run to him, grab his hand, tell him everything. In just two minutes, James Fraser tore the mask that I had spent years building. A mask no one else saw behind. 

He saw me as an equal, in skill and in mind. Body and spirit, I wanted to know him more. This rare soul that had seen me for who I was. Somehow in his own way, Jamie laid me bare for all I was and all I was hiding. 

I could breathe again and that air was addictive. 

His light kindled a spark inside of me. One Frank had tried his best to put out.

I knew I would go down in ashes for just a taste of fire. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. A Good Woman

Jamie was ten years old that summer, Nan had taken Jenny and him back to Scotland to visit her family home. It was one of their last summers together and the memories fondly stuck around in his mind as the best time of his decade-long life.

Warm, hot and wet from playing in the loch with Jenny, Jamie had run all the way up the stony beach to the small cottage they were sharing with a distant cousin of Nan. The smell of oatmeal cakes filled the air with spice and butter, it was a lovely welcome after a morning of playing in the loch looking for fabled sea horses with Jenny, who told him in a very grown-up way, that such creatures certainly did NOT exist.

“They do so, Jenny, and you’ll be sorry you ever doubted me when I find one!” Jamie yelled over his shoulder down to the beach as he gleefully ran into the cottage and grabbed three fist-sized scones from the counter and turned to run back outside again. It was a rare day in Scotland where the sun shone all morning and he wasn’t about to miss out.

“Jamie lad, dinna go scarfing ‘em all a’fore lunch, ye ken?” Gran shook her head in disapproval from her place in the parlor, her cousin Margaret had her feet set up on the floral sofa beyond the window.

Stopping only to steal a drink of milk straight out of the jug in the fridge, Jamie overheard the older ladies go back to their low chatter.

“So much spirit that one, Maggie.” Nan’s voice was low but she chuckled as she set herself back down to her knitting again. “I dinna know what will become of the lad. He’s Ellen all the way. Just as fiery and twice as hot, that one.”

Maggie coughed on her tea before replying, “Aye, I can see that for sure. She’d be proud of the lad, a fine woman that lady was.”

“My girl was the finest woman that ever was,” Gran pronounced “girl” as “ge-ruhl” in her accent. “What she ever saw in Brian Fraser, I’ll never know. A shame the crash took them both.”

Jamie was suddenly aware he was eavesdropping on a conversation Gran would never have meant for him to hear. He had never heard her say much of his father, especially not in a negative light.

He and Jenny had always been told of their whirlwind romance, how they had run off together to spite both families, but little was passed down about his parents except for snippets of folklore trickled down from older relatives.

“A good woman, indeed.” Cousin Maggie echoed softly and Jamie could hear the click-clack of Nan’s needles furiously hiding her emotions at discussing her daughter, his mother.

He slipped out of the cottage unnoticed, but Maggie’s words followed him even unto adulthood.

_A good woman._

Admittedly, the echo of her statement resonated with something lost inside of him. A hole he would spend most of his formative years searching to fill.

……………………………………………………………….

The clock blinked 3:32 am and Jamie couldn’t sleep. Like so many times before, he pulled out his phone just to go to Claire’s page and replay their last conversation. The idea that this angel of a woman could be so unhappy made him absentminded at work. He was crushed he missed out on rehearsal since Zachary was back and there was nothing Ian needed him to do for the show, yet. Jamie admitted to himself he was looking for an excuse to see Claire again, to show her he wasn’t a complete asshole for asking if she was happy or not, it wasn’t his business anyway.

He didn’t know why or how but he desperately hoped she didn’t read into that as unprofessional concern where it didn’t belong. He felt an odd sense of obligation to her personal happiness ever since she had first lit up around him when he cracked back at Ian at rehearsal.

He rubbed his face before finally opening up the chat box to send her a message.

“Hey Claire, hope this finds you well. Just wanted to say sorry about being forward the other night. I hope you are doing okay. Anyway, let me know how you’re doing. Sorry to bother you.”

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Jamie set the phone face-up on his nightstand and groaned. Pathetic. And creepy.

The phone lit up bright blue on the table.

The chat box from Claire was lit up and three bouncing periods showed someone was typing on the other end of the connection.

He held his breath.

“Hey.”

Another pause, then more ellipses.

“Thanks for asking if I was ok last time we talked, that was very kind of you.”

“No problem.” Jamie couldn’t reply fast enough. _What in God’s name was she doing awake?_

Another pause.

“I really enjoyed our time acting together. Zachary’s cool and all, but he’s no you.”

Jamie couldn’t tell if she was genuinely complimenting him or genuinely missing his presence. It was hard to distinguish the difference over text, but one thing was certain in his mind, the way Claire had returned his gaze and the silences they had shared together weren’t a figment of his imagination.

“I miss it, too.” Jamie admitted.  
Another longer pause.

“You doing ok?” Jamie asked.

Claire typed and re-typed her answer, her ellipses appearing, disappearing and then reappearing as she struggled to come up with something to reply.

“Yes, I’m ok now. I’ll talk to you soon, Jamie. See you this week?”

His heart beat faster.

“Yes, definitely.” He typed, then added. “I’m not on Facebook that much honestly, if you need to reach out you can text me here,” he quickly typed his phone number and hit send.

He realized it was a boldfaced lie, he had done nothing else BUT be on Facebook the past few days looking at her pictures. Claire on stage in a Samuel Beckett, behind the scenes of a fashion shoot she did for a women’s boutique downtown. It was a glorious rabbit hole of images of a suave, much-younger Claire. She was captivating in all of them.

Jamie glanced at the screen again. Claire had seen the message.

He knew he was tossing pebbles at her window, waiting for her to open up.

…………………………………………………………………………………….

Jamie tried to look busy as he parked behind The Ball theatre that night. Claire’s Subaru pulled up a space down from him and she got out, he noticed she was carrying more than usual and not just physically. Her arms were full of different bags and costume pieces Ian had asked her to bring from home to wear for the show.

Tonight was load-in and the cast was bringing in everything to make the theatre home for the next few weeks, nights would be later and rehearsals would go long as they started working with the technical side of the production.

“Let me help with that, Claire.” Jamie jogged over, taking a bulky filing box from near her head.

“Jesus H. Christ.” Claire exclaimed as she saw the tall Scottsman for the first time.

Some of Claire’s dark wisps of curls were caught in his fingers thanks to the windy night air, Jamie extricated himself from her apologetically, trying to be as delicate as possible with his calloused hands.

Claire smelled sweetly of roses and something he couldn’t quite put a name to. Blushing, he hastily strode near her side.

“Thank you,” Claire sniffed.

For the first time, Jamie noticed she was wearing rather large sunglasses even as the sun set in the icy Boston sky. Claire walked decidedly into the large dressing room for the women in the cast and set her stuff down hastily in a corner. She gestured to the seat in front of the iconic mirror complete with orb light bulbs blinding them both. Jamie set the box of props down on top of the formica counter.

Claire let the glasses slip off her face and hastily looked into the mirror wiping her face. Her ivory skin shone in the light, but her nose was quite red. She furiously blotted underneath her dark lashes with a corner of her brown plaid scarf.

Before he was aware of it, Jamie instinctively reached out and touched her arm.

“Claire, what’s the matter?”

Claire’s eyes filled with fresh tears as she looked up at him, her face twisted in pain. A pain he knew all too well and a pain that seared right through him. She turned and, wordlessly, buried her face into his chest and let out a small sob into his jacket.

She fit perfectly into his arms and he held her close, breathing in her hair. His hands on her shoulders, thumbs soothingly moving up and down as she melted into him. Any other time, Jamie would be blushing tremendously at her sudden movement into his arms. Of course he had pictured her close to him, wanting to touch her so badly. But now, as she clung to him, all he could think of was how to take her pain away.

A sharp knock at the door made Claire jump and pull away.

“Interrupting anything?” Geillis Duncan’s bird-like redhead poked around the bend.

Jamie instinctively moved in front of the mirror reflection to give Claire a moment to get herself together before anyone else saw her like this.

“No…just helping Ms. Beauchamp here with her props and such, can I help you Geillis?”

She shook her head, “Ten minutes til we start the run tonight, loves. Ian told me to pass the word.”

“Thank you ten.” Claire sounded forcefully cheerful as she retreated into the bags she had packed.

Geillis had gone and Jamie turned to her to speak. Claire put a hand lightly on his chest.

“I appreciate it, Jamie. But not tonight.”

Her voice tight with emotion, he nodded and backed away slowly.

“Are you alright, Claire? Anything I can do?”

Claire smiled at him sadly, “No, there’s nothing you can do.”

Seeing the utter confusion on his face, she added, “Soon, Jamie. I’ll tell you everything soon.”

He left her room, his heart aching and his canvas jacket stained with her tears.


	7. Giving the Finger

It was perfect. 

Probably the weirdest thing I had ever seen in Fergus’s jack-o-lantern loot from his autism school. 

A plastic finger bubble wand container. 

I tucked the plastic oddity into my shirt pocket and laughed to myself as I thought of the perfect joke. The cast and crew had taken turns that week hiding random things around the stage and on set. There was a hedgehog wearing a Santa hat that had appeared under a cushion on stage, the baby cherub holding a carrot in the rafters that Geillis had placed carefully out of reach much to Ian’s dismay. No one had attempted to pull a prank on Jamie yet and I knew it was up to me to plan this one.

Halfway through the first act I went up to Jamie in the wings. 

“I have something I need to show you,” I said quietly, serious enough so he’d follow me. 

Jamie nodded but kept his distance behind me as I led him to the green room. 

I turned and looked solemnly into his eyes, “Is it alright if I finger you?” 

Jamie’s blue eyes widened in utter horror as he stammered, “Claire! Well… that’s rather a personal question….” 

I laughed and pulled out the awful children’s toy, shoving the plastic finger into his hands as he gasped for words, his cheeks turning almost purple-red.

_ Ok maybe it was a horrible joke. _

Jamie laughed then, hard. Unscrewing the base, he blew bubbles in my general direction. 

“Aye you got me, Beachamp. I’ll give you that one.” 

“Sorry,” I shook my head. “It was in poor taste but I couldn’t help it. No one had surprised you yet, this run.” 

“Fair enough. Can I keep it?” Jamie’s eyes gleamed with delight. 

“Sure,” I giggled, leaving him behind as I jogged back to my dressing room and collapsed into a mess of schoolgirl excitement. 

  
  
  


…………………………………………………………………………

  
  


The Ball theatre was lit up as the proscenium creaked and groaned as the crew started hanging lights during rehearsals. Jamie had always worked with his hands and Ian set him to work in the wings building set pieces and doors and such for the stage. Even in his work, he couldn’t help himself. He loved watching her. 

Claire lit up like a rocket on stage, her eyes sparkled, her grin played, her lines came out smoothly and he loved hearing her deep, velvet voice. As warm and deep as she herself was. Jamie always thought you could tell a lot about a person by the kind of voice they had, he loved studying people. 

There was Ian’s loud, trumpet-like shout as he made suggestions to the cast and crew and generally ran around the old theatre like a mad professor. Geillis was a chipper young lady, clipboard in hand, her sing-song voice chirping out minutes and scenes for the crew to set and spike as rehearsals wore on. 

Jamie lived for the moments he would pass Claire in the hallway, backstage or in the wings. They exchanged pleasantries and, at one rehearsal, Jamie started texting her mobile as they sat on stage together on opposite ends. 

Ian was going on about how the older cast members needed to decide something amongst themselves, no one could decide on a damn thing and Jamie had caught Claire’s eye as she smirked and rolled her eyes to high heaven in impatience. 

_ Omg.  _

She jumped as her phone vibrated on the seat next to her, the others were bickering back and forth and no one had noticed. 

_ Right?? Like, can we not?  _

Jamie snorted and responded back quickly. 

_ I’m feccking starving.  _

Claire giggled, she always loved it when he overdid the accent and so that was all he did around her lately. 

_ Did you not eat? _

_ Nothing since breakfast, ma’am.  _

_ I’ll bring you dinner, tomorrow.  _

Jamie felt a warm smile growing over his whole face and he glanced shyly at her. 

_ You don’t have to, you know.  _

_ I know. I want to. Least I can do after I cried all over your damn jacket, Fraser.  _

Ian loudly proclaimed the decision made and the cast dispersed. 

As the crew packed up, Jamie passed by Geillis’s small props table in the back of the theatre. A sudden thought crossed his mind and he was grateful he had an older sister to teach him that other women were a perfect source of information about a potential partner. He needed to know before it drove him mad. 

“Geillis?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Is Claire single?” 

Geillis’s eyes widened and she started to smile and nod, then her mouth fell open. 

“Oh dear, no. I almost said she was, but I do think she mentioned something about being married and having a kid before. I’m sorry, Jamie..” 

She must have seen his face fall. Jamie stood frozen, it was as if someone had thrown a glass of ice water all over his chest. 

“I thought you knew. Hasn’t she told everyone?” 

He walked away and out the door to the car, wanting to scream and curse into the night, but even Jamie couldn’t change the fact of what he had just heard. 

No, she HADN’T told anyone. Especially not him. 

He felt as if he’d been smacked in the face with his own actions and words. 

Jenny would be so ashamed, not to mention Nan. Here he was, heart on his sleeve, exchanging glances with a married woman. A mother no less! She looked so young, couldn’t have been more than 25, how old was her child? He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. 

_ You’re tearing my guts out, Claire.  _

No ring. No mention of a husband. No attachment publicly announced in any way, shape or form. 

He refused to believe it. Jamie drove away from the theatre and, avoiding Ian the rest of the night, locked himself in his room and turned some music up loudly. Ian always knew it was a sure sign his future brother-in-law wanted to be left alone. 

He took the plastic finger out of his jean pocket and tossed it on his desk and surveyed it sourly. It all felt wrong, now. 

Jamie lived for the hope of it all, but that night, he let his hopes and dreams die as he poured a shot of Jameson’s. The shot was the same color as Claire’s eyes, the eyes he tried hard to get out of his head while dulling the pain in his heart. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The finger is a real, actual item that is an inside joke between my husband and myself. ;)


	8. Two Worlds Collide

“Married?!” Ian’s shock was loud in the tiny flat the next evening as he was getting ready to leave for The Ball. 

“Yes.” Jamie said tightly, his mouth in a straight line. 

“But… I didn’t…I’m sorry, brother. I don’t know what to say. I had no idea.” 

Jamie shrugged, he had spent the last 24 hours numb to the fact. 

“It’s nothing,” he lied. “I’ll still be carrying out my assistant directing duties for you, but I’ll be keeping my distance if ye ken.” 

Ian nodded, his face gray with a sudden thought, “Jenny was all but planning to ask her over, too. Well, at least we found out now. And Claire never once mentioned it to you?” 

“Not a bit.” Jamie bit his words coldly. 

He went back to chopping up peppers to saute for a quick dinner before they left. The acid smell hung in the air. 

“Well I’m here for you, brother. If you need time away, I’ll understand.” Ian put a hand on his back before turning to leave, keys jingling in his pocket. 

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Jamie said stalwartly. “My word is my word, I’ll not be breaking it to you now. I said I’d help and I’ll keep to that.” 

As Ian left, Jamie snorted to himself. 

There was honor in a man’s word, that’s how he was raised. But a woman’s? Well, he had hoped and prayed Claire had been true, but what kind of woman would attempt to proposition a single man, even as a joke? 

The skies were darkening as Jamie left for the theatre long after Ian had gone. He would make the start of the show but he was in no mood to deal with seeing Claire early, or making pleasantries with the others. The clouds hung threateningly low and a gust of wind blew his car door closed as he got in and turned the key. 

………………………………………………………………….

  
  


“He asked what?!” I blinked at Geillis as she was perched in her all-black stage managing clothes on the corner of the makeup counter next to me. 

“He asked if you were single,” Geillis cackled. “Can you believe it? I knew he fancied you but I didn’t know no one knew you were married, girl.” 

I went back to braiding my long hair into a low updo. 

“I don’t tell many people if I can help it,” I added. “Doesn’t play much into the professional area and besides, when was the last time anyone kept a role from a man because he was married or might have children?” 

I knew I was playing a dangerous game of Devil’s advocate and looking at Geillis, I could tell she wasn’t buying. 

“Well to each her own then,” She shifted uncomfortably off the counter. “Claire, be sure you wear that one blue dress Ian approved for Act 2, you did bring it from home, right?” 

_ Damn.  _

“Umm….. I forgot, sorry. I could run back and get it?” 

Geillis sighed, “We start in ten minutes, I don’t think there’s time.” 

“I… I could ask Frank to bring it. I think he’ll be able to.” 

Geillis lit up, “Bring that cute little baby boy of yours and we have a deal, I love kids.” 

My stomach lurched but I sent off a text to Frank. 

_ Crap. Forgot my blue dress, can you swing it by The Ball. I know it’s late and all but I really need it.  _

It was always a toss-up if Frank texted back, but he did a minute later. 

_ Sure. We can be there in a bit.  _

My two worlds were suddenly colliding, my heart beat faster with anxiety but it was time to be honest about everything. 

………………………………………………………………………………………

I ran to open the side stage door for Frank and Fergus, a cold gust of air blew into the warm hallway as I struggled to push the door open against the wind. A storm was definitely on its way. 

“Thanks,” I said, taking the article of clothing from Frank’s arm. “Hi, babe!” 

Kneeling down in the hall, I hugged Fergus tightly. His small frame wiggling with excitement and his big blue eyes were eagerly scanning the area for what trouble he could get into. He was wearing his gray and blue striped hoodie with the tiger ears on the hood. Perks of being a three-year-old, he got the coolest clothes. 

Fergus waved a small, pink hand excitedly, jammering nonsense into my ear. What he couldn’t communicate with words, he did so with gestures. 

I looked over my shoulder to see a small group gathered on the far end of the hall by the entrance to the wings. Geillis was smiling ear to ear behind her headset and jogged over to say hello. 

“So you’re Claire’s family!” She exclaimed, waving to Frank and bending down to promptly pick up Fergus. 

He giggled and immediately grabbed at her headset. 

Frank looked cool and collected, but entirely out of place in the hallway. His trench coat buttoned severely up to his thin chin, his dashing smile came out but appeared to me to be a little forced. 

First impressions were everything to Frank, I knew he was trying to impress. It had been a while since he was around anything but work colleagues. 

“I’m the husband.” He said laughingly. “It’s nice to finally see who has been stealing my wife all these weeks, Geillis, right?” 

She nodded and stuck out a hand to shake his. 

I stood awkwardly in the corner, behind Geillis and I jumped a little as the outside door opened abruptly again from the outside. 

Jamie’s tall frame blocked most of the wind as he stopped abruptly, clearly not expecting anyone to be in the hall in front of him. 

In his arms he carried several bags of groceries from the nearby shops. I had forgotten we were now incorporating actual food into the party scene.

Geillis and I stood frozen while Frank found himself next to Jamie, both men eyed each other but nothing was said. 

“Sorry, didn’t realize anyone was behind the door.” Jamie broke the silence first, “I… I work here.” 

Frank let out a dry chuckle, “I hope you do, barging in like that.” 

“Here, let me help with that.” Geillis passed off Fergus to me and took the bags from Jamie’s arms and headed off to the green room. “It’s nice to meet you!” 

“Likewise,” Frank nodded in her direction. 

The four of us stood there uncomfortably, I opened my mouth and worked up the courage for the introduction. 

“Jamie, this is my husband, Frank Randall. Frank, this is Jamie… James Fraser.” I added his formal name at the end. 

Jamie’s eyes flashed with mixed emotions before he squared his jaw and politely set out his hand. Frank looked between the two of us quizzically and then slipped his thin, tan fingers into Jamie’s large, calloused hand. The men shook firmly. 

“So you’re the lucky man that’s Claire’s husband.” Jamie’s voice was smooth and pleasant despite his tightened jaw. “Claire’s told us so much about you. Nice to finally meet.” 

Cruel. But deserved. I swallowed hard as his words hit my heart like a knife. Biting the inside of my lower lip, I didn’t know where to look or what to say. Thankfully, Fergus knew exactly what to do. 

From my arms, Fergus looked at Jamie and cocked his head sideways. Then he put up his hood and, extending his arms, gave a fake roar showing off proudly for the new man. 

Jamie was a whole head taller than Frank’s 5’10” frame, but Fergus showed no fear as he tried to play with the newcomer. 

Jamie looked at him and then chuckled, “And who might this wee one be?” 

God bless Fergus. 

I beamed and jiggled the small boy on my hip, “Ferg…. I mean, Fergus. My son.” 

“Aye, I can see that.” 

Jamie’s voice was suddenly soft and I searched his face for approval as he looked down on the one person who meant the most to me. 

His deep blue eyes were tenderly looking from Fergus’s face to my own, comparing the two. 

Jamie stuck out his hand for a high five and Fergus reached up to smack his fingers, but missed. They tried it again and this time their hands met.

Fergus buried his face into my hair to hide. He had missed his mama. I held him close and my heart was bursting at the interaction between him and Jamie. I smiled at Jamie with my eyes and for a moment forgot Frank was there as well. Apparently, Frank had not forgotten and certainly noticed my glance at Jamie. 

“Well, we better be heading back.” Frank cleared his throat, taking Fergus out of my arms and nodding impatiently towards Jamie. “Got to get this bugger to bed.” 

“Frank?” I interjected. 

He looked back at me as he rushed towards the door. 

“Thanks for bringing the outfit.” 

“Night.” Frank said tersely, the stage door closed swiftly behind them. 

Jamie and I stood in silence for a moment, he looked awkwardly down at his hands. 

“Jamie,” I began quietly. “I…. I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you before…. I-” 

He quickly looked up at me, his mouth twisted at one corner in a forced grin. 

“It’s alright, Claire.” 

“It’s not, I-” I stammered. 

Jamie shook his head hard and stared pointedly into my eyes. 

“It’s alright.” 

My breathing quickened as he put a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it thoughtfully. 

“You could have told me one thing, though.” His eyes twinkled playfully at me. 

“What?” 

“That you somehow gave birth to a baby tiger.” 

I smiled, relieved and touched. Even after his comment about Frank to me, I could tell Jamie was trying hard to relieve the tension in the air. 

We walked back down the hall together, the sound of the distant play continuing was faint. I stopped outside my dressing room door. 

“Thank you, Jamie.” My back rested against the door knob. 

Jamie bowed his head slightly, his auburn waves hit the lights of my makeup table behind me. 

“You’re welcome.” He said in a gentle tone, “Mrs. Randall.” 


	9. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Verbal and physical abuse and language
> 
> "Take your broken heart and make it into art." Carrie Fisher 
> 
> To all victims of domestic violence, I see you, I am with you, I am you. In showing the reality so many women face, I wanted to illustrate the imballance of power as well as the struggles that hold most women in these types of relationships. Leaving is never easy. But to leave without support? Now that seems impossible to so many women today. 
> 
> If you find yourself in this situation, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources and advice for your safety
> 
> 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

I slipped inside the door to our home around 11 that night. Exhausted, I slipped off my flats and set down my bags near the door. Frank and Fergus would be long asleep by now, I tiptoed into the master suite. I ran the sink with hot water and washed off the stage makeup and mascara from the day. Burying my face into the white towel, I looked up into the mirror and was surprised to see Frank standing in the bathroom doorway watching me. 

“You didn’t mention a Mr. Fraser when you told me about the people you were working with.” 

His tone was low and immediately hostile, his dark eyes were blank and his arms were uncomfortably crossed over his chest. 

“Did I not?” 

Sometimes playing the dumb female worked with Frank, but this clearly wasn’t one of those times. 

“Bad form, Claire.” Frank exhaled sharply. 

“He’s just a friend. He’s been very kind to me, so has Geillis.” I interjected, trying to remain casual. 

“I’m sure he has.” Frank’s face remained unmoved. 

“Frank, you know I work with men, too. It’s hardly fair of you to be bitter when half your department at the university is all women. There’s no difference.” 

“No difference.” Frank laughed bitterly, his eyes edging towards his usual cruel glare as he stared at me. 

I turned slowly to face him, our eyes almost at the same level. 

“You’re one to talk, Frank,” I quipped. 

“Meaning?” 

I drew myself up to my full height and stared him down. 

“I know you haven’t been faithful to me. Not for years now,” I explained. “Ever since you went to Japan, I know-”   


Frank laughed loudly and without humor. 

“I swear to God if you wake Fergus up over this,” I warned. 

“You’ll what?” 

I drew a shaky breath, “Let’s not do this tonight, please, Frank.” 

“Oh, we’re not arguing. I’m just going to tell you why you’re wrong, Claire.” 

I stood silently waiting for his voice to rise and it did. 

“Now you know full and well I’m a respected member of the college. Of course I have female colleagues and of course I go out and spend time with them. It’s not my fault you’re nothing but a housewife! Get a grip and you’ll see how delusional you sound!” 

“I gave up everything so you could advance your career, Frank! You know perfectly well I was about to be signed on with Gap before Fergus came along!” I fought back the tears that sprang up into my eyes, blurring him from my sight. “And then he had special needs and you know I had to give up all I had for you and for him.” 

“Funny way of showing your regret for me and our son,” Frank stepped closer to me, his face only inches from my own and his voice low and hot in my ear. “It’s one thing to fuck someone else, it’s another to go parading it in front of my face in front of strangers, no less! I saw how he looked at you, Clarie. Don’t tell me you’re not fucking him!” 

“I’m NOT, we only talk, I swear to God Frank, I-” 

Frank’s face twisted into a knot of rage and a purple flush spread up from his shirt collar. In one swift move, he backhanded my left cheek so hard and with such force I spun backwards and my back crashed into the wall behind me as I stumbled. 

I grabbed my face in one hand, numb from the blow and covered my mouth with the other to stifle a mix of a scream and a sob that erupted unexpectedly from my throat. I sank to the tile floor sobbing quietly, my tears running hot and stinging my cheek from where he struck me. 

Frank stood over me, getting close to my face he yelled into it with all he had. 

“If you ever disrespect me like that in front of other people again, God help me, Claire! I swear to God you’ll regret it! You’re such a fucking bitch, I wish I never met you!” 

My body shook with fear and anticipation of another hit from him. Behind him in the doorway I could see Fergus, face lined with sleep lines as he had clearly been woken up out of a deep slumber by the commotion. 

“Go back to bed, baby.” I called out. Sitting up as much as I could. 

Frank drew back and walked quickly over to Fergus, picking him up roughly. 

“Come back to bed, son. Mommy’s being overdramatic, as usual.” 

I slid back down the wall, my hands shaking around my face. Frank’s words brought fresh tears into my eyes and I sobbed uncontrollably in a heap on the floor. 

I wished desperately that someone, anyone would have seen. I had tried calling the police before once when I was pregnant with Fergus. Frank had hit me similarly and then, in his anger, aimed a sharp kick to my lower back as I laid on the living room carpet, clutching my eight-month pregnant belly in front of me. 

Although my back had bruised up, by the time the officers came, Frank was calm and collected and explained to them that it was mutual abuse. I had raised my hand to hit him and he was defending himself and shoved me back. All lies. Frank knew he slapped me so hard, I fell. He knew how hard he had kicked me and he knew I was already at risk carrying Fergus and having complications. 

I sat in disbelief on our couch as the officers spoke to Frank outside and then came in to talk to me. 

“Ma’am there’s not much we can do. We can take him away if you’d like but you’ll have to go to court to request an order and it’s up to the judge after that.” 

I was tired, beat down and exhausted. I struggled to find the words to say. 

“No. It’s ok. Thanks for coming, officer.” 

The thought of facing off Frank in court had scared me. With him controlling the finances and his legal connections at university, I knew it wouldn’t be long before he lawyered up and fought me tooth and nail for everything we had built together. He knew it too, and lorded it over me menacingly whenever arguments went south. 

I spent the next morning in the OBGYN’s office, getting a scan to measure his growth. I had called to reschedule it early, telling the nurse on the other end that I had experienced cramping the night before and wanted to check on everything. 

“Looks right as rain,” She reassured me, “Your son is doing a good job of growing strong as an ox, Mrs. Randall. It won’t be long now.” 

I smiled, grateful to hear he was ok, but worried at what the future would hold. On the way home I had sat in the car outside of the county courthouse. My hands gripped the steering wheel coldly even though it was mid-May and sunny outside. 

The officer’s words echoed in my head. With no income to speak of and nowhere to go, it dawned on me that I couldn’t act now. Fergus moved violently in my belly, his kicks getting stronger by the day. 

“Mama’s here. I’ll keep you safe, baby. I promise.” 

My hands caressed my growing bump, my fingers shook with emotion as I breathed in and out, resting my head against my seat I closed my eyes and then I drove us home. 

I had made him a promise I didn’t know how to keep. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Nothing Good Comes of Red Dresses

Jamie’s phone kept vibrating all that day going largely unanswered as he buried himself in work and phone calls to potential clients at the print shop. Jenny’s name popped up on his screen more than once. 

_ Ian told me, I’m sorry. I’m here if you need to talk, little brother.  _

He didn’t want to talk. All that night during the final dress, Jamie was quieter than usual. He tried pushing down any and all emotions around Claire but couldn’t help but be utterly enchanted by her presence. Claire had worn more makeup than usual that day, but he overheard her talking to Geillis about being ready for the show, her manner was more reserved than usual though. He stood in the wings, watching her that night. Her whiskey colored eyes looked sad in spite of all her smiles, he felt a pang of jealousy during her embraces with Zachary. What he wouldn’t give to hold her again, under any pretense. 

He had given her space and a wide berth all that night denying his own desires of being close to her, realizing that after a week or two there wouldn’t be any contact between them. It had to be that way, she belonged to the wiry, refined man named Frank Randall. 

Jamie’s mouth soured as he bit the inside of his cheek thinking of the encounter with Claire’s husband. Something about his face and eyes didn’t sit right with him. There was an unnatural collected nature that seemed to envelope Frank. The word “psychopath” had immediately flashed in Jamie’s mind when they first locked eyes in the corridor. What had Claire ever seen in him? 

As he watched the final scene from the wings, the cast was beginning a run through of the curtain call. It was the first night Claire had worn her actual costume for the party scene in the second act, her dress was a deep ruby red and was wonderfully contrasted with her pure, incandescent skin giving her an ethereal look under the lights. Jamie caught his breath as she gave a deep curtsey on the stage, crossing one leg behind the other and bowing her head. The satin fabric hid nothing and clung to her frame firmly. Her hourglass shape couldn’t be more pronounced and the ensemble made her curves as flawless as if they had been carved out of marble by one of the great master artists of Rome. 

Jamie noticed his breath had gone shallow as he beheld her. 

“Nothing good ever comes of wearing a dress that red,” Geillis chuckled at his elbow. 

Jamie startled at her voice, blushing furiously as he ran his hand over his face trying desperately to wipe away the thoughts running through his mind of his own hands on and under the forbidden satin. He closed his eyes and said a quick prayer to the Holy Mother for coming dangerously close to worshipping at the altar of Claire’s body, albeit mentally. 

That night, Jamie knew two things for sure. One, that Frank Randall was the luckiest bastard that ever lived to have such a wife and child to call his own. Two, that Jamie hated him down this guts and the very marrow of his bones. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

  
  


Although my personal life was shattered beyond repair, I made it through the next few days surprisingly well. Frank’s department had declared he was needed to go to a remote historical site in Asia and would be leaving shortly after the first performance. Opening night nerves were only heightened as I knew my husband would be in the audience while the man who held my heart would be watching silently from the wings of The Ball theatre. 

We had managed to go without incident at home that last week, Frank barely spoke to me and I kept my focus on making sure Fergus was the happy, healthy three-year old with not a worry in the world. We spent our days bundled up walking the Boston zoo, going to the children’s museum and we couldn’t have enjoyed our mother-son time together any more than we did. Thankfully our neighbor Mrs. Fitz was able to watch Fergus for the night and I had no concern for his safety with the kindly older woman with grandbabies of her own. 

I arrived at the theatre early and walked around set handing out hand-written notes to all of the cast and crew. It was something I always did on opening night, but I knew in my heart there was only one note I had carefully considered. 

_ Jamie,  _

_ Thank you for helping Ian out with this production! You have worked so tirelessly and with so much patience for us all. Thank you for being my stoic anchor through this whole thing and for your can-do attitude.  _

_ -Claire  _

I cringed as I laid his card next to Ian’s on the green room counter where they would find it. It was the best I could do to appropriately tell this man how much he had grown to mean to me. I swallowed hard at the annoying lump in my throat, I had fucked this one up royally. I wondered if he bore any resentment to me for my behavior before he had met Frank. 

“Happy opening night!” Geillis chirped. “Looking beautiful my dear!” 

Geillis was thrilled, her arms full of white roses. She deposited them into my arms and kissed me on the cheek. 

“Break legs! These are from your handsome hubby.” 

“Here.” I said, taking a rose out of the bundle, “Please, you deserve it.” 

Geillis took her rose and smiled, “Gorgeous color.” 

I nodded, white was my favorite. I went back to my dressing room and placed the arrangement on my counter, a thorn snagged on my hand as I did so, leaving a red jagged line where it had drawn a paper-line line of blood. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title chapter is next, if you're wondering why this one is so short. :) Much more "meat" in the next one!


	11. Mirrorball

“You sure you’re alright with having Fergus so late tonight, Mrs. F?” I called from the kitchen into the living room. 

“Perfectly, find, dear. Please. Take all the time you need, I’ve got this little one right here.” The short, round-faced woman winked at me as she went back to playing with Fergus on the carpet. 

“I’ve got a casserole in the oven and please, feel free to help yourself to whatever you want in the fridge.” I pleaded, “I can’t thank you enough for watching Ferg again on such short notice.” 

Geillis had arranged a cast party at her house that Sunday night after the matinee before the last week of the show. 

_ Mandatory cast party 7 pm. Must come. Bring wine. Dress up if you prefer. 590 Oak St.  _

I pulled at the hem of my metallic silver dress and looked in the mirror to style my hair down with long, crystal drop ball earrings playing against my exposed neck. A 60’s winged liner and light peach gloss finished the look. Frank never approved of the perfume I had picked, Santal Blush by Tom Ford. I put a drop on my pulse points behind my ears and rubbed the excess lightly through my mahogany waves. I eyed my reflection approvingly. Frank wouldn’t have approved of any of it, especially the length of my dress, teasing slightly above finger-tip length. 

Slipping into my red wool coal over the ensemble I kissed Fergus goodbye. 

“You look stunning, love.” Mrs. F beamed, her kind face creasing into a million folds.

…………………………………………………………………….

I had heard rumors that the Duncan’s home was in the old money part of Boston and had dressed appropriately. Arthur was a far cry older than his young wife and Geillis had definitely married up. I parked in the lane and carefully double-checked my phone directions as I walked up with a bottle of Frank’s aged Cab Savignon under my arm. I hadn’t been to a party alone in six years. 

. Geillis had always dressed unassumingly, but tonight she opened the tall double-doors wearing an expensive-looking Calvin Klein gown, her red hair long and flowing, a glass of champagne in her hand and holding out another flute just for me. 

“Welcome, Madam.” Geillis wiggled her eyebrows playfully at my apparent shock at the grand home and her transformation. “Come on in, love. Almost everyone’s here. Ian and Jamie are late, per usual but we have drinks and appetizers for a small army.”

“You certainly know how to throw a party,” I commented, laughing as she pulled my hand and dragged me into the foyer and past an even more beautiful Victorian parlor room lit up with an ancient chandelier. The rainbow light beams tickled the plaster of the raised ceiling. 

The rest of the cast was in the kitchen, admittedly the room itself was the size of my entire condo. I greeted Arthur and the others before Geillis snatched me away for a tour of the garden. The backyard was a long, wide maze of hedges and around the bend, I saw a gazebo lit up with white Christmas lights.

A quarter of an hour and a second glass of champagne later, I was laughing in the kitchen with Geillis as she decided to show me off to the others. We both shared similar tastes in fashion and it was refreshing to talk about clothes and accessories with another woman after all these years. 

“Doesn’t Claire look like a silver dream?” Geillis exclaimed randomly, “Twirl, come on then!” 

Gloriously at ease, I felt free for the first time since Frank had left. My champagne flute above my head I twirled expertly, feeling the slight buzz with the sudden movement. 

Two new figures entered while I turned around, I was breathless and the sight of Jamie watching me from the darkened foyer, my mind went blank. 

Arthur was a jovial host and quick to supply the late-comers with flutes of their own. 

Ian held up a glass, “To the show, to friends, to a fantastic opening weekend.” 

I made no effort to hide the fact that I stared at Jamie the entire toast. He certainly had cleaned up well, his deep green tee was tucked in slightly at the waist into a pair of dark washed denim jeans, his brown dress shoes matched his belt cinching his trim waist. Over everything, he wore a brown leather jacket trimmed in shearling. 

We shared a knowing look as I noticed the familiar sadness behind his eyes that I felt growing in my stomach.

_ One more week.  _

We spent the first half hour of the party at Geillis’s beck and call, everyone in the cast had joined her in the parlor room where she demanded we ad-lib a game of charades. Cards Against Humanity was next and with the food and wine flowing in a room full of thespians, I spent so much of the night laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Ian and Jamie were quite a team and I was shocked to see their humor was as dry and dark as my own. 

An hour later, traditional playing cards were brought out and several set up different games. Still other groups of one or two went into deep discussion over upcoming productions. Ian and Arthur had grabbed a bottle of expensive looking bourbon and were standing by the fireplace talking in low tones. Geillis was with some of the older ladies discussing the finer points of the architecture of her home. Clearly, it was her pride and joy. 

At a loss of what group to fit in with I instead chose to fit in with no one and took it upon myself to explore the backyard myself. Coat under my arm, I felt the crisp November air hit my face in the moonlight. Geillis had the music turned up in the house and the quiet outdoors was a welcome respite from the guests. 

My heels crunched against the gray gravel pathway, the hedges blocked my view of the house in three steps. Nearby, I heard the popping sound of a log on a fire and followed the deep, velvet smell of wood burning along the path. I wanted to see the gazebo I had seen earlier. 

Turning a corner, I saw a roaring fire in a fire pit just in front of the gazebo I had seen earlier. The flames were licking the night air with hot tongues and crackling happily with reckless abandon at the fresh logs a tall figure had just set in it. 

“Oh,” I exhaled. “I didn’t know anyone was out here. I didn’t see you inside.” 

“Looking for me, were you?” Jamie’s tone was playful as he set about throwing more sticks on the fire. 

“No! I mean, I-” I lied. 

Jamie chuckled under his breath as I walked around the fire to catch a glimpse of his face in the shadows. His eyes were lit up in good humor. 

“It’s alright if you were, Claire. I’m no good with small talk anyway, so I came out here hoping not to make a fool of myself. Found something I’m good at,” He nodded towards the flames. 

“Arson?” I joked. 

“Nah,” Jamie laughed, “Although my sister Jenny tells me we do have a cousin that went to jail for exactly that for six years.” 

His face was dead serious and I stifled another chuckle. It dawned on me how little I actually knew about the man. 

“No, I came out here for the silence… it’s peaceful. God forbid anyone finds a wee bit of peace on this earth.” 

Jamie sat down on one of the Adirondack chairs in the gravel next to the fire and motioned at me to come over. My eyes lit upon his small glass of bourbon next to his feet. 

“I normally don’t indulge, Claire.” Jamie explained even though he didn’t have to. “But tonight’s different.” 

“How so?” 

There was a pause before he answered me, I settled down comfortably into the chair next to him and turned to look at the side of his face. Jamie’s eyes were set on the fire, his lip twitching to one side. Instead of his usual direct manner, he made a point to choose his words with caution. 

“Well, for three reasons” he began, “For one, it’s been a hell of a week. Two, it’s an anniversary for me, Claire.” 

I leaned forward and waited for him to share if he wanted to. 

“It’s been fifteen years since my parents died, Claire. Fifteen years to the day.” 

“I’m so sorry, Jamie.” I said, instinctively reaching out a hand towards his arm. “Truly.” 

Jamie kept his gaze on the fire, “Funny how I know and remember so little, about the people who made me who I am today. They’ve been gone longer than half my life now, but it still hurts. The not knowing. Not knowing who they were or if they’d like the man I’d become. What they would say to me if they could see me now, my life now. The pain of not knowing what could be, Claire. Now that is a tough one to bear.” 

He sat up straighter and cleared his throat a little, shifting the conversation. 

“You know loss well, too.” 

It was a comment, not a question. 

I nodded, “Yes, my parents. They died when I was a baby, I never knew them at all.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jamie offered meekly. 

“Me too.” 

There was a moment of silence, but it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. It hung in the air like the stars above, a mere existing but together-ness I couldn’t quite explain. It was okay to just _ be  _ with Jamie. 

“And the third reason?” I tried changing the subject. 

“Aye,” Jamie smiled darkly, he had hoped I had forgotten. “I did say three reasons. Well, the third-” 

He turned his body to me slightly and took my hand in his. I melted into his soft grip. My cold fingers warmed up instantly against his touch. 

“We have one more week together before the end of the show.” 

The unspoken truth of what could not continue after the next week hung between us like a dark cloud. Jamie did not let go of my hand and I held his, my heart pounding in spite of the ache in my chest. 

To stop the world then and there would have been bliss, but such a gargantuan effort was beyond human capacity. This moment, like all others, would slip away into a memory of something I would carry with me for years. This man, this stranger-friend would weigh on me like a scar for years. The memory of warmth would become a distant pain as I would grow stone-cold in my own tomb of privilege in my life with Frank. 

“You’re married to another, Claire.” Jamie’s eyes searched my face earnestly, “As much as it tears my heart out, I can’t come between any marriage, it’s not right to interfere in something you swore before God Himself to keep true.” 

“God,” Laughing darkly, I pulled back my hand from his, a tear trailing suddenly down my cheek hotly. “God has nothing to do with it, Jamie.” 

I had picked up on the fact that Jamie was religious, and his eyes opened in surprise, a furrow creasing his brow at my unbelief in the Almighty. 

“Aye but-” Jamie started gently but my voice cut him off quickly. 

“He beats me, Jamie. You tell where God is in that.” 

Jamie exhaled sharply through his nose as his chest rose. 

There it was. It was the first time I had admitted out loud what was happening behind closed doors since I had told the officers. My secret was out in the open and I felt incredibly vulnerable in front of Jamie. I looked at him shakily as my eyes filled with tears and I saw his face go dark with sudden passion. His voice sounded strained as he finally spoke. 

“Jesus, Claire.” 

Jamie rose to his feet and paced away from the fire for a moment only to come back as hotly as he’d left. His voice demanding now, 

“And the child?” 

I shook my head, “Only me so far. I doubt he’d hurt Ferg at all. It’s all me, Jamie. It’s got to be. If only I stopped talking, my mouth-” 

“No.” 

Jamie crossed the distance between us in one stride and knelt down before me as I drew myself further back into the chair, I didn’t want pity. 

“No.” He said again, his blue eyes clear and stern, “I don’t care what you did or said, no woman ever. No one ever deserves that.” 

I burst into tears in front of him, he wrapped a strong arm around me and let me bow my head into his neck. Pity was not what he offered, just comfort. I felt safe with my head close to his brick-wall of a frame, holding himself between me and anything else at that moment. 

“Hush,” he said quietly, “It’s only me, Claire. You needn’t tell anyone else if you don’t want to. You’re safe, no one will ask you anything as long as I’m here.” 

I was mortified at how completely undone I had become in front of him once more. I never cried in front of anyone but with Jamie, the tears just flowed. 

Jamie took the sleeve of his green shirt and gently wiped away my tears from under my eyes. I made a face trying to stop the flow of tears and I laughed as I realized how ridiculous we must have looked. 

“I can’t ruin another shirt of yours, James Fraser. Not here.”

“Then don’t,” He stood up suddenly, looking down at me with the kindest eyes I’d ever seen. 

“I could distract you by telling you just how beautiful you looked in the show.” 

“What?” I exclaimed, blushing furiously. 

“That red dress, Claire.” Jamie looked up at the sky and blew a chef’s kiss to God himself. “You are perfect in that dress, you must know it.” 

“Lies!” I laughed. “It’s far too tight, I can scarcely breathe.” 

“Truth, and only truth.” Jamie sternly countered. 

I stood up to face him then, nodded gratefully at him for the welcome compliment and distraction. We were standing awfully close and the late hour and combination of a few drinks, I felt magnetically drawn to him. His eyes took in my own with a softness and tenderness about them that made me clumsy. Jamie’s throat moved as he swallowed and he bit his lips in momentarily, the scruff on his chin was intoxicatingly close to mine. My eyes settled on his mouth, I noticed tiny freckles around the edges of his upper lip. 

“Tell me about your family,” I said suddenly. 

Jamie laughed and snapped out of his reverie of my own face. 

“What would you like to know, Claire?” 

“Everything.” 

Jamie sat me back down in my chair, pacing in front of me and began. I adored his voice and his taste for storytelling, he told me of his beloved sister, Jenny who had been a mother to him. His Nan, going to Scotland for the first time. I learned of his childhood dog, how it pulled him out of a hole when he was seven and they were chasing rabbits. Story after story, I was enchanted by every word. Jamie painted a golden picture with his words of what his life had been and I found myself crying and laughing along with each story. The gamut of emotion I felt with this man was overwhelming. 

His soul was fire and it set my heart ablaze with the possibilities of what was and what could be. 

After what felt like forever and not enough time, we both jumped a little as a song loudly began to play from inside the house, I didn’t recognize the tune but Jamie did. 

“Gellis must’ve found the music again,” I laughed. 

“I think it’s Arther if I’m honest, The Association is a bit outdated for Geillis if I’m right.” 

The low tones of an electric guitar strummed vaguely through the garden and Jamie held out a hand towards me. I took it and stood up, he pulled me closer and put a hand on my back and started to spin into a slow dance with me. 

“Never My Love,” Jamie said softly. “It’s a good one.” 

I was wordless as I listened to the sweet lyrics of the song from inside the house, my head resting on Jamie’s chest. He smelled wonderfully of pine and sweet smoke from the fire, his steady breath was soothing. Inhibitions gone, I enjoyed the closeness we shared. I could hear his heart quicken underneath this shirt. Suddenly, Jamie spun me around, his eyes lit up. 

“Has anyone told you, you look like one of those old fashioned mirrorballs tonight?” 

“Mirrorballs?” I said, puzzled. 

“Aye, what are they called usually? Nan always referred to them as such, the mirror balls that hang down at dances and such.” 

I giggled in realization, “Oh, a disco ball. I suppose I do, this is a very shiny dress. Also I’m broken a million ways from top to bottom, so I guess you could say I dressed for the occasion.” 

“It’s perfect,” Jamie said in a low voice, “You look stunning tonight, Claire. You always do.” 

I could feel the red flush in my cheeks creeping up to my hairline as his voice was close to my ear. 

“I don’t see broken pieces, Claire. I see every facet of you shining so bright I can hardly see anything else. I could watch you forever and never get tired.” 

His eyes focused on my lips once more, I wanted him to kiss me then, to melt into his mouth and lose myself in his embrace. Jamie breathed in shallowly and let his hand gently rest on the base of my neck. I held my breath in anticipation, my pulse roaring in my ears. I had been kissed a million times by those who loved me and those who didn’t, but I knew in my soul that being kissed by Jamie would seal our fate to be damned. He knew it, too. 

Instead, he pressed his lips gently on my forehead before holding me close in his arms and swaying back and forth for a long while until we could no longer hear the music. 

Jamie’s gentlemanly restraint was sexier than anything else he could have done and had awoken a hunger in me to know him in every sense of the word. I could feel a similar response in him as he held me close, his body pressed firmly to my own. As the song ended, we stood in silence for some time. Jamie leaned over and, grabbing my coat, wrapped it around my shoulders and held his hands around my collar for a moment. His eyes searching my face in concern. 

“Will you be safe tonight, Claire?” 

I nodded, “Yes, he’s gone for two weeks. I’ve got time to make a plan for me and Fergus.”

Jamie wrapped me in his arms again and hugged me close, he spoke into my hair in a low voice. 

“I’ll help in whatever way I can, Claire. He never gets to touch you again, do you hear me?” 

I nodded again. 

“Good.” 

Jamie gently ushered me towards the house, his voice full of deep hatred. 

“God help Frank Randall when he gets back. There’s two of us, now.” 


	12. Playing House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie make plans for her to leave Frank. Jamie comes over for dinner and finds a home worth fixing.

Jamie hoped no one had noticed their absence from the party, but upon opening the tall door for Claire, he found both Ian and Geillis were waiting up for them. Everyone else had left. Ian’s face was puzzled and Geillis looked just as confused, it was obvious the pair was the topic of their discussion and no one quite knew how to proceed. 

Ian stepped in quickly, “Thanks for the lovely evening, Geillis. Please tell Arthur I’m grateful for the hospitality, sorry he had to retire so early.” 

Geillis blinked at Claire and then replied, “Ah, that’s what I get for marrying an older gentleman. I’ll see you all out.” 

She led the way to the foyer and said goodbye to the trio, Ian went to his dark blue Volkswagon he had arrived in with Jamie as his future little brother walked Claire to her car. 

“You alright to drive?” Jamie asked in her ear. 

Claire nodded, “Just fine, thanks.” 

He opened her driver’s door and she got in and for a moment they simply stared down in silence. 

“I guess that’ll be causing some drama for the show next week,” Claire said meekly. 

“I’ll handle, Ian. Maybe we can nip it in the bud and no one will be the wiser.” Jamie reassured. “You haven’t told anyone else about…?” 

“No,” Claire quickly replied, “Oh God, no. Most everyone I know only knows me and Frank together, I would never-. No, they don’t know.” 

Jamie nodded, calculating the situation. It was a predicament neither of them had been prepared for. 

“We needn’t tell anyone else for now, the important thing is you and the child are safe. You’ll call me directly if anything happens, Claire.” 

It was a point made, not a question asked. Jamie felt uneasy saying goodnight to her, but Ian was waiting and there was nothing more he could do. 

He felt sick to his stomach as he closed the door and watched her drive away. The ride home with Ian was full of silence as neither of them knew what to say. 

“Jamie?” 

Ian turned the key over as soon as they pulled up to the flat. 

“Yes?” 

“Be careful, brother.” Ian warned in a low voice. 

His words cut Jamie as they were full of implication that he himself was the one in danger. Jamie bit the inside of his cheek and walked into the flat in silence. He wasn’t the one that needed to be careful when Claire’s own life or her son’s life might be in jeopardy. 

……………………………………………….

I couldn’t sleep, checking on Fergus tucked safely asleep, I paced in my room. My heart was racing and my stomach felt queasy. 

_What have you done, Claire?_

Telling Jamie was like ripping off a giant band-aid, I couldn’t stop the emotions from flowing from my eyes in the form of tears and my heart was pounding. I needed to get out, I had known that for years now. But the thought of actually leaving Frank had seemed like a pipe dream until I met Jamie. How?! 

The word “rebound” rattled around my head and I tossed it out in disgust. Was I that kind of person? I was barely with anyone before Frank and certainly never had dated around, much less had a fling to get over someone else. I knew what Ian and Geillis must have thought of us entering together after being alone for so long. I hated that I cared what they thought. 

The idea of severing my life with Frank’s life and Fergus in the middle took my breath away. It was easy to look away from the car that was our life together, we were headed to a cliff and we had no breaks. The fallout would be a free fall for me and my son, I had no idea how to parent alone with a son with special needs. How would I cope with being the sole provider and the sole caretaker? I didn’t want Jamie to rescue me, I wanted to rescue myself. I _needed_ to rescue myself or I knew my leaving wouldn’t last. 

The reality of it all crashed in on me like a ton of bricks and I ran to the bathroom to promptly throw up. 

……………………………………………………

Jamie lived for notifications from Claire, over the past day or two they had three separate conversations going on back and forth on three different platforms. Snapchat, Facebook messenger and messaging. She was the first person on his mind and the last thought he had before he lost consciousness each night after working himself to the bone wondering how in the world he would provide anything to offer her. 

The door to the print shop opened, the bell in the shop went off and Jamie, up to his neck in orders from new clients, turned slightly to call out, “I’ll be there in a minute, Ian. Have you got that order delivered yet?”

There was a pause. 

“It’s not Ian,” Claire’s voice caught him off guard and his heart flipped around as he turned to see both a harried Claire and the bouncing head of a certain three-year-old wearing a tiger hoodie running around the shop, hopping to see over the counter. 

“Claire! I wasn’t...are you alright?” 

“Yeah,” Claire swallowed and blushed slightly, “I hope it’s ok that we’re here I was just passing and remembered Ian had said where you both worked-”

“It’s fine!” Jamie exclaimed, perhaps a little too eagerly. “More than fine.” 

He crossed the counter to lean over and look at the big blue eyes and mop of dark hair on the other side. 

“Um, I’ve nothing for wee ones here, Claire. But…..” Jamie had an idea and knelt down next to Fergus, holding out a few sheets of sticky notes in front of him used to mark up manuscripts to be gone over. “Here, you can use these as stickers, you know what they are, eh?” 

Fergus looked at his mother before looking back at the strange man in front of him, “What do?” 

He held out his hand and demanded an explanation of this new medium. 

Jamie took an orange one and stuck it to his nose to show the child the magic properties of the makeshift distraction. 

Fergus squealed and, ripping it off Jamie’s nose, ran away with the rest of them sitting on the floor looking for new things to decorate. 

Jamie crossed the space between himself and Claire and hugged her abruptly and unexpectedly, “You’ve no idea how happy it makes me to see you here. To see you _both_ here.” 

“Me too,” Claire said. “Come to dinner later? Please?”

Jamie was silent for a moment thinking only of her safety. 

“Sure, I’ll come.” 

“Good.” Claire beamed. “I’ll text you our address.” 

Fergus ran out to grab Jamie’s leg and looked up at him, giggling. His small, round face full of the bright orange dots. Proudly, the boy lifted up his hoodie to show them the one he had placed on his belly button as well. 

………………………………………………………………………………

That evening, I had changed and changed again. First, the hoodie could not stay. I didn’t want to give Jamie the impression I I didn’t try. Secondly, the sweater and slacks were way too much effort, I settled for a cotton knit sweater and my jeggings. Warm, fuzzy socks pulled up and unashamedly had foxes on the feet. The wood floor of the condo wasn’t heated and tonight was especially cold. 

Fergus followed me around the house, in his own world. In some ways, I was thankful he was on the spectrum. He was a happy, independent boy who didn’t say much. His silence would be my saving grace as I planned and worked towards our escape. 

I hadn’t told anyone about tonight. Giddy with anticipation of hosting Jamie for dinner, I had no one to share my excitement with other than Jamie himself. 

_Ready in 30, bring your arson skills. I need help starting a fire._

_Lol. Will do, love. Need me to bring anything?_

_Just your handsome face._

_Damnit, I was going to bring my ugly one._

_I’m excited to have you here._

_I’m excited to come. See you soon._

I anxiously put on mascara and lip stain five minutes before dinner was ready, pulling at my sweater once more, I hustled to get the table set and Fergus’s place set with an array of choices he would eat given his texture aversions. The kitchen had become my project as I settled into life without work. I was proud of tonight’s meal of steak and asparagus with hollandaise sauce and red mashed potatoes. 

Tension was high while I waited on the doorbell. Finally, I heard a car door and tried to look composed as my heart scampered around my chest. Fergus ran to the door to greet Jamie and jabber at him excitedly. Jamie had cleaned up from work and was similarly dressed in a gray pullover sweater and jeans. 

“Welcome to my home, Mr. Fraser.” I said playfully, trying not to sound too enthusiastic. 

“I bought supplies for arson ma’am, as requested.” Jamie laughed, a bundle of firewood under his right arm. 

“Set it by the fireplace, we can light it later. For some reason the furnace is on the fritz, then again the place is from the 70’s.” I explained, “Thanks, Jamie.” 

His brow creased, “I can take a look at it if you’d like, after supper I mean. I’m pretty handy.” 

I wasn’t sure if he was bragging or sincere but in November in Boston I didn’t much care who looked at the old fixture as long as they could attempt to fix it. 

“Smells amazing.” 

“Thanks, I hope you’re not vegan, sorry I never thought to ask.” I stammered, unsure of what to say. 

“No,” Jamie laughed. “Definitely not. My sister Jenny pretty much raised me on meat and vegetables alone. That’s why I’m so big.” 

Jamie had set the firewood down near the hearth and I had gotten distracted looking at his back and broad shoulders as he had bent over. His frame made me feel so small, the width of his shoulders had to be a good two feet across. No wonder Frank took an immediate disliking to him. 

I felt a pang of pain that quickly went away, I wasn’t technically doing anything wrong but my moral compass was flashing all sorts of warning signs at me for inviting a single man to my home, alone. 

As we started dinner, I put all thoughts of Frank out of my mind. It was impossible to compare the two and felt inappropriate to even try. 

“So you heard much about me the other night, I’m afraid I went on quite a bit about myself,” Jamie began. “What about yourself, Claire?” 

“What do you want to know?” I put my fork on my place and tilted my head at him. 

“Everything,” Jamie’s eyes gleamed as he chuckled lowly, taking another bite of steak. “Excellent dinner, by the way. I can’t remember the last time anyone cooked for me, much less a meal this good.” 

Jamie was an avid listener and paid close attention to everything I had said about growing up with Uncle Lambert, school and university. But he also wanted to know things about me as well, not just my story. My favorite color, movie and music tastes and finally, one question took me off guard. 

“What do you want from life, most?” 

“Umm, well that’s a rather personal question,” I laughed, echoing his response to the finger. “If I thought about it, I’d have to say… peace. Not just in my life but in my soul as well.” 

Jamie looked pensive for a second and then nodded in response, “Fair enough.” 

“And you?” 

He wasn’t expecting me to ask him in return. 

“The same.” He said surely. “A home to call my own, a family to come back to. A place to belong.” 

“You don’t feel like you belong where you’re at?” I questioned. 

“Not so much that,” He explained. “Jenny and Ian are to be married in the new year and I suppose I’ll have to find my own place, too. The flat is Ian’s after all. I go where I’m needed and I suppose I’ll find a new purpose there, too.” 

My heart sank a little. 

“You’ll be leaving Boston?” 

“Haven’t decided yet.” Jamie responded shortly. “Not much to keep me here.” 

I was mildly offended and finishing dinner in silence with Fergus interacting with Jamie, I began picking up the dishes shortly after. Jamie refused to let me clean alone and we worked together, quietly, only speaking when he asked me where things went. 

“Thanks, you don’t have to.” I replied. 

“Nonsense, I’ll no’ let you do it all yourself, that’s not right.” Jamie interjected, feigning a soft accent again trying to get me to smile. 

I picked up Fergus and put him on a hip to show Jamie the furnace. Fifteen minutes later, the scot emerged having an announcement. 

“Fixed the problem, your wiring was loose.” 

“Well aren’t you full of surprises,” I looked up from Fergus’s bright green bathroom as I helped him brush his teeth to get ready for bed. “How’d you learn that?” 

“Back when I lived in New York for a time, I worked as a handyman.” He said simply. “Can I help with this little man?” 

I looked at Fergus who was snuggly in his fleece pajamas with t-rexes all over them. 

“Not much else to do besides storytime. You’re welcome to stay for it, if you’d like.” 

“Would you mind? I’d love to read if that’s alright with you, Claire.” Jamie’s face brightened at the thought. 

“I wouldn’t mind.” 

..........................................................................................................................

My heart swelled as I watched Jamie Fraser read to my son, his little body on the couch next to the man, looking up at him with anticipation and delight as Jamie did all the voices and sound effects much to my own amusement. The way he treated Fergus with such care and interest sealed my interest in him. I blushed at the thought that he would make a fantastic father someday. 

Half an hour later, I emerged from Fergus’s room kissing my son on the head softly as he rubbed his eyes and flopped over into his mound of stuffed animals to sleep. 

I came back to the living room to find Jamie had started a fire just to keep me warm. I softened as I looked at him building it up and making sure it had caught properly in the hearth. Settling into the leather sofa, I pulled up a white knit throw and wrapped it around myself. We were alone in the quiet except for the sound of the wind outside and the pops of the fire. 

Jamie turned and hesitated before he stood in front of me, “That should see you through for a few hours at least, you’ll not freeze tonight. The furnace should be running at full capacity by the morning.” 

“You don’t have to leave,” I said softly. “At least not right away.” 

Jamie looked at my face searchingly, “I’m afraid I said something over dinner that offended you, Claire.” 

I looked away, “Not offended but I’d be… disappointed if you moved away. After all you said there was nothing to keep you here-” 

“Claire, I didn’t mean-” He was suddenly upset. “Of course, but that was before we met!” 

I trailed off, Jamie’s face was suddenly pained, the scruff on his jaw illuminated sharply as he bit his lip in and sat down next to me on the couch, a cushion’s space in between us. 

“I’ll see you safe, Claire. I promised you, there’s two of us now. But I’m not expecting you to leave your husband for me. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to do that,” His clear blue eyes searched my face earnestly. 

It was time we talked about the gargantuan elephant in the room. 

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Jamie. You mean far too much for me to treat this like… like a rebound.” 

I hated that word. 

“I’ve wanted to leave for years and I always thought I was doing the right thing by Fergus, I wanted him to have a father.” 

Jamie’s face softened and he took my hand again in his larger, rough one. 

“It’s no use staying for the lad if Fergus ends up without a mother, Claire.” 

I swallowed hard at the truth of his words. 

“It feels like the longer I stay, the more dead I become inside. I don’t want to feel that way again,” I admitted. 

“Fergus deserves a happy mother, not just an alive one. As much as a boy needs a father, I’ll admit he needs a mother much more.” 

I held onto Jamie’s hand a little tighter. 

“I don’t want you to save me,” I said sternly. “I don’t need that, I couldn’t take that from you. I have to do this on my own, Jamie. I don’t expect you to wait for me. It’s crazy of me to assume you don’t have other prospects, ones without marriages and children with special needs and-” 

Jamie shut me up by tenderly kissing my fingers and pressing his thumb against my wrist gently.

“No,” He reassured. “No prospects for me but you, Claire. You’ve got me here and for as long as you’ll have me. I’ve not much to offer you, but what I have is yours to hold.” 

He paused, his words brought a new flush to my cheeks and he edged closer to me on the couch. 

“I don’t have much,” He repeated, “But I will protect you, whatever you decide to do.” 

“I’m asking him to leave when he gets back, he’ll have to find a place, Fergus and I need this one and I think I can manage the payments on this more than finding us a new home.” 

Jamie nodded, “That’s good.” 

“I’ll need a hell of a lawyer, Frank will have all the money and I know you get what you pay for in court, at least that’s what I hear.” 

“I know a good one,” Jamie suggested, “The man who handled my parent’s estate is excellent, and I can't recommend him highly enough. I’ll send you his contact later. I can vouch for his character but also his expertise.” 

I breathed deeply, “Thank you, I didn’t even know where to begin with that.” 

I could have burst into tears of relief, I was incredibly moved by how much Jamie wanted to help me and his promises to keep me safe. 

“I could get used to this,” I admitted shyly. “Us. I never planned on meeting you. Or loving you.” 

I looked up at him quickly, my eyes welling with emotion. 

“I do love you, Jamie.” 

He returned my words in his gaze but said nothing. 

“I can’t say that, Claire.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because then it would be true.” He said simply. “Right now it’s enough for me that I bring you some peace.” 

My fingers interlaced with his and I settled in next to him, unoffended. Our unspoken conversation filled me with joy. 

I knew as well as he, that we had spent the evening playing pretend. My marriage was just as real as this love was out of reach. Still, I gasped onto every taste of it to savor. There was a bittersweet ache in my soul for this magnetic man to be mine. For us to put our child to bed with love and care as a team, to live life together. I knew Jamie wanted a place to call home as much as I wanted my place to feel like a home. For the first time, I had hope. 

I was on long term birth control with Frank, not that I ever needed it. We hadn’t slept in the same bed for years. But if I was totally honest with myself I couldn’t see myself having another child at all. Until...

I settled in warmly next to Jamie, my head on his chest and we sat that way for a long while just watching the flames burn. Silently we built our new world together, pretending this all was ours, hoping and praying that someday it would be. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	13. Irreconcilable Differences

My heart was racing that rainy Wednesday as I reached a hand up to knock on the brass knocker outside the lawyer’s office. I was expecting a secretary to answer but a kind-faced man in his 60’s opened the door and ushered me inside out of the storm. 

“Mrs. Randall, I assume?” He held out a hand to warmly shake my cold, wet one. “I’m Edward Gowan but you can call me Ned.” 

I politely declined the coffee he offered me as we walked past the waiting area into his little office, full of books and framed degrees on his wall. 

_ Oxford. Harvard. _ Christ, Jamie had left a lot of this man’s credentials in the dark when he texted me Ned’s number. 

“How can I help you today, my dear?”

Ned settled comfortably into a deep seated leather office chair at his low oak desk. I noticed the little lamp in the corner was Tiffany, the blue and green lights were a welcome sight in an otherwise dreadful Wednesday. I was thankful for the warmth of the office and of this gentleman. 

“I…” I began shakily, “I’m trying to get a divorce. My husband is abusive to both me and my son.” 

Ned’s wrinkles creased worriedly into his thinning hairline but his eyes remained kind and calm as he surveyed my face thoughtfully. 

“I’m sorry to hear that, well… let’s go over what’s going on and I’ll see what I can do to help. Do you care to start at the beginning?” 

Ned got out a blue inked pen and grabbed a new notebook out of a side drawer on his desk. 

Shakily, I recounted my entire marriage to this stranger. I didn’t tell him how I knew Jamie but he didn’t ask, Ned gently asked details and I provided them. My body was numb as my mouth told of the horrors I had endured, I felt as though my experience wasn’t my own but someone else’s and my mind felt broken as I admitted out loud what I had kept inside myself in silence for years. 

Divorce seemed like such a scary world to enter and the weight of the word anchored me to my seat. 

“Well we certainly have grounds for divorce, I hardly think any judge will look at the situation and be favorable to your husband… er, Frank. I’m assuming you have evidence? Police reports and the like?” 

I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes and I shifted in my wood chair hiding my deep shame over my admission, “No… I mean, I called them but no, nothing came of that.” 

“Ah,” Ned nodded understandably. “Well that would help as far as custody goes for your son, but it’s not necessary to procure a ruling in your favor. From what you’ve told me of him and his lifestyle, we can file “irreconcilable differences” for a reason when we go to file. If you do find evidence of these affairs or are able to document further abuse let me know as soon as possible, it will only help the case.” 

“Irreconcilable differences?” I repeated slowly. 

“Sounds kind, doesn’t it?” Ned’s hazel eyes twinkled a little, “No worries, Claire. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with men like your husband before and without proof of his infidelity, even abuse cases like yours are listed as irreconcilable differences.” 

I snorted unbecomingly. 

“Our irreconcilable difference,” I said dryly, “is that my husband hits me and I find that irreconcilable.” 

“Most cases of abuse are listed as such,” Ned said in a low voice, “Even in this day and age, it’s still a man’s world although legally we operate in the state of Massachusetts in a system that does work for mothers and children. Trust me, Claire. I know this is a case we can’t lose, I haven’t lost one yet.” 

Ned nodded reassuringly. He had a fatherly way about him and in my heart I knew I wanted to trust him with my case. 

“I do want you to petition my case, Mr. Gowan. But as far as accounts go, I’m afraid I have just enough for a retainer and not much else. Frank has his own bank where most of his money goes.”

Ned breathed in deeply, “I’d be honored to take this to court for you, Claire. No need to worry about money right now, I’ll get to work on the retainer and you can reimburse as we go. Oh and about that account he has? Well, that won’t be an issue. I’ve experience recouping legal fees from the other party.” 

I let out a sigh of relief, his next sentence made me catch my breath. 

“I'll need to warn you though, Claire. As much as the state favors mothers, there’s a strong probability that Mr. Randall will fight back. I’ve seen his type before and know his pride won’t suffer the loss. I need to ask, have you been true to the marriage?” 

Jamie’s hand, intertwined with mine flashed through my head as well as him holding me by the fire and kissing my head. My heart hit the floor and my stomach churned. 

“Yes, Frank has no ground to stand on as far as accusing me of anything.” My voice sounded thick to my own ears. 

“Good,” Ned said surely, “There’s no law saying you can’t be involved with anyone else during a divorce but the less we give him and his attorney to work with, the better. In order to get you and your son on your feet again, we need to play everything Kosher, above reproach. I’ve no doubt you’re an intelligent woman and are already thinking of it.” 

I nodded silently. Ned soon saw me to the door and took my hand to say goodbye. 

“Stay safe, my dear. I’ll write up the petition today and will let you know when it’s ready to be filed. You said your husband was away this week so likely sometime early next week is when he’ll be served. Your safest bet is to play it life as usual.” 

I cocked my head slightly, “Would you suggest I move or maybe stay with a friend? I’ve no family to speak of, sadly.” 

“You can find somewhere to go if you’d like, but since we are moving to file first you and the child will be able to retain the marital home and he won’t be allowed to enter once he’s served. It’s a precaution we take here, likewise you’ll be awarded full temporary custody. I’m also going to file for emergency spousal and child support so he can’t cut you off while we negotiate the proceedings.”

I thanked Mr. Gowan and walked quickly to my car out of the rain again, my hands shook as I drove back home. He was right, Frank would not suffer the loss well. In just a week I could stop pretending and it would all be out in the open. One week. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………

I couldn’t ask Mrs. F to watch Fergus for my appointment and thankfully, Jamie had offered to watch him at the shop for a few for me. I didn’t know who to trust and was overcome with emotion when he offered to keep an eye on him for his lunch break. 

Fergus and Jamie were entirely engrossed in the adult playing a handheld Zelda game on the front desk area. Apparently it had been a slow morning, in the back I could hear Ian loading in a new shipment of paper on the dock. 

“How did he do?” I kissed Fergus on his curly head and looked searchingly at Jamie. 

“We’re fine, love. No need to worry. Rather enjoyed my time with the little one, he’s very much into Link apparently,” Jamie’s eyes twinkled as I entered and he grabbed my hand and put it to his lips for a quick kiss. 

He must’ve noticed me tensing up as my eyes darted to the back door to make sure no one had seen. 

“Everything go well with Ned?” He dropped his voice and let go of my hand. 

I nodded, “He’s taking the case, he said he'll work on it today and we should be ready to file it soon.” 

Jamie’s face lit up, “I knew he would. Trust me, Claire, he’s the best.” 

WIth Fergus entertained in the handheld game, I perched on the edge of the formica counter and told Jamie everything. It felt good to open up to him and to see him react with the same reactions I had when I had met with the lawyer. 

“We have to be safe, Claire. He’s right.” Jamie’s jawline was tense as he chose his words slowly. “I’d love nothing more but to move you out today but until the petition is filed you’d best play it safe. Frank can’t know anything is about to happen.” 

“He won’t.” I promised. 

“I could talk with my sister,” Jamie suggested, “It’s no good if you’re living with me, but I’ll ask Jenny if you could stay with her for a while. She has a small loft on the other side of town. It’s not much but you’ll be safe there if you should need a place to go.” 

I instinctively reached out for Jamie’s hand, my fingers found his and I was able to breathe again beyond the crushing weight in my chest. 

“I’m scared, Jamie.” 

His blue eyes looked down at me softly, “I’d be concerned if you weren’t, love.” 

He slid his arm over me protectively and pulled me close to his side. I closed my eyes, filling with tears, and rested my head on his solid chest. 

…………………………………………………………..

Dread filled each step as I paced the flat before line rehearsal that night. I was absentminded all day, sadly smiling at Fergus as he tried interacting with me. 

Frank was everywhere. My life was marked and scarred from his presence. There was no place he wasn’t. He had hurt me in almost every room in our home. The time he bent my wrist in the kitchen, gripped my arm in the entry. There was a small mark where my head had hit the area on the wall near the bathroom door when he pushed me into it when I had first asked him about his coworkers calling him at night. 

My heart ached as I took in the life I had lived, the sharp pain of realization that it would never be the same. My marriage was over, the man I had once loved never loved me. I couldn’t help but feel as if I wasn’t enough...

_ I can’t come to rehearsal, I can’t stop crying.  _

Jamie texted me back quickly, I was due at The Ball in fifteen minutes and with Fergus starting his bedtime routine with Mrs. F. I had gone out to my car and made it to the end of the drive before I burst into fresh tears. 

_ Claire, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.  _

_ Don’t be, it’s for the best. I’m just struggling today. _

_ I think everyone would understand if you told them.  _

The thought froze me with fear. Jamie was easy to trust but everyone else? I hadn’t even considered telling them all. I pulled my mirror down on the driver’s seat and held my fingers under my dark lashes desperately trying to stop the flow of tears. I sniffed sharply and forced myself to breathe out my anxiety. 

_ I’ll be there. I’ll be a little late though, apologize to Ian for me.  _

……………………………………………………………………

I was listless as we ran lines that night. I could tell everyone was staring but I could barely move on stage without my voice shaking. My body was numb with the grief I had carried all day. 

Zachary was ticked and I could tell, he rolled his eyes when I fumbled my lines and even Ian looked ashen-faced as my performance was seriously lacking. Geillis looked thoroughly confused the entire time and I avoided her like the plague, I didn’t want to be alone with anyone and I didn’t want to answer questions. 

I noticed Zachary pull Ian and Geillis into the green room as soon as we were done running lines. I didn’t question it as I all but ran from the theatre and found relief in the silence on the ride home. 

Jamie was blowing up my phone with missed calls, finally he stopped. 

My phone buzzed with a new voicemail, I didn’t listen to it until close to midnight. I made a cup of chamomile tea and sipped the brew as I numbly swiped through my phone to listen to his message. 

“Hi… Claire…I- I just wanted to let you know I’m proud of you. You’re a strong woman and a courageous one. I’ll be here every step of the way, you’re a part of me now and I won’t let you go through this alone. I promise. I love you, Claire.” 

I held the phone to my ear long after the message ended. 


	14. A Kiss Deferred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zachary throws Claire under the bus, also a chapter in which our beloved pair are promised a first kiss.

Jamie could see his breath on his morning run as his trainers crunched the alleys and frost-covered grass of the Boston back roads near his home. He was pensive and took an extra turn down another road to clear his mind that morning before tackling that Friday’s workload. 

So much of life doesn’t happen in the big moments, achievements or milestones. But in the still, quiet details that make up so much of our existence. The too-hot coffees in the morning, the hum of the traffic on our way to work, the birds outside the window looking for worms just after it rains. Life is simple. All of it. Only our choices make it difficult and Jamie’s choices weighed on his mind. 

Just like the small choices we make each day to go forward, or backwards. To be a better man was the simplest of all goals for Jamie and each day he strove to achieve the small victories of hard work. 

Every moment of that week had been seared into Jamie’s mind, above all he relished the time spent with Fergus. Always fond of youngsters, Jamie had hoped and dreamed of being a father one day. He had never before been interested in any woman with a child, let alone an Autistic one but he and the boy bonded at first sight. 

_ Like mother, like son _ . 

Jamie had mused as his thoughts often went to the pair of them, a new feeling took place in his chest as he held and played with the boy. One of preservation. He could see a lot of himself in Fergus’s play and felt honored that the boy wanted to let him into his world. Jamie wanted nothing more than to see Fergus grow and blossom into the bright youth he could be, he hoped and prayed Frank had not harmed the lad as Claire had denied, but he couldn’t be too sure. 

Surely the harm of his mother was enough to trigger some trauma in this young child. Jamie’s breath grew hot at the thought and he clenched his fist subconsciously even thinking of the man who was Frank Randall. 

A child was a gift, any man who treated the mother of their own child with such harm and disdain deserved nothing short of a sound beating for being such a monster. 

Wednesday was the hardest day of the week for them both. It had torn Jamie’s heart out to see the woman he’d grown to care for so meek and beaten down after her meeting with Ned. He had always regarded Claire’s sass and her strength of mind, it shattered him to see the opaque glass structure of a woman falling apart as the week had progressed. He felt he was to blame. 

_ I pushed her too far. Maybe she wasn’t ready to tell anyone, why did I have to be such an ass and coax her to tell me as well as anyone else? What if Claire wasn’t ready?  _

He yearned to handle anything the world threw at her, but he knew full-well this was one fight Claire had to handle on her own. He would be in the trenches though, just out of sight but at the ready in case she needed help. His phone was always cued up to alert if she texted or called. Jamie was a little hurt she had done neither since Wednesday. 

“I love you, Claire.” 

He had meant it. His verbal admission of his deep adoration of the woman kept him going, hell to pay or no, she had to know his commitment was true. Once he started to love her from that first night, there was no stopping the tidal wave of his tender regard for a woman that was intellectually his equal. 

Although he worked a blue-collar job, Jamie was aware that his level of education surpassed where he was at in life. The ghosts of his childhood haunted him with issues of attachment ever since, Jenny knew it. That’s why she was so protective of him. 

Jenny. 

He texted her as soon as he entered his small flat, not even stopping at the sink for a glass of water. The sweat from his run beaded around his upper lip and he wiped it away with his sleeve as he typed. 

_ Hey, remember Claire? And her son? I’m sure Ian told you about them.  _

_ Aye, what of her…  _

He could mentally see Jenny already raising a dark eyebrow suspiciously. He had avoided her calls since the night of the party when Ian and Geillis had seen them enter together. 

_ She’s in some trouble. It’s not my place to say but if anything happens could she and the child stay with you for a bit? Just in case…  _

_...... _

Jenny took a minute or two to respond and when she did, Jamie saw her ellipses going back and forth as she typed up a mini novel. 

_ Trouble? What kind of trouble? You know what, nevermind. Yes. They can stay with me if necessary. I hope everything is okay. Return my calls sometime, eh? I’m worried about you, bro. Love you xx  _

He smiled, Jenny’s nurturing nature couldn’t help but take over when it came to helping out any creature large or small, or in this case two creatures. Maybe that’s why she had become a nurse. Since their parent’s death, Jamie had clearly developed a loner complex while Jenny went on to have a savior one. It was how they dealt and in some ways, it just worked out between them. That being said, the Fraser clan could probably make due with a little more therapy over their unusually early loss and upbringing. 

Again, Jamie thought of his choices. The one he had made to first attend rehearsal, the one he had made to hold Claire’s hand. Small things. But ultimately, Jamie knew it wasn’t a choice at all to love her fully and commit to both her and her son. It was falling in love in the most unusual way and one he never expected. The little things were changing the course of their lives in a way that was entirely orchestrated by fate and Jamie was happily powerless against whatever forces had brought them all together. 

…………………………………………………

I couldn’t help but feel anxious all that week as my anxiety about Frank’s return grew to a panic. I felt like a failure of a professional after that last disastrous rehearsal and didn’t want to show up Friday night for the show. My personal life would have to wait and I would have to give this my all. I had half-expected Geillis at least to reach out to me after Wednesday, but no one did. Only Jamie. 

My pride had prevented me from reaching back out to him after his profession of love. His purity of affection was so new and altogether terrifying for me as I navigated my upcoming separation from Frank. Of course I loved him. But love with Jamie was as different as possible from what I had known from my husband. I felt indebted to Ned’s words of keeping my conduct above reproach while at the same time denying the man I truly loved any response to his regard for me. 

It was a mess. _ I  _ was a mess. Little did I know how much worse the situation was about to get for me. 

Geillis took me aside almost immediately upon my entering the green room that night. Some of the others were talking amongst themselves but in low tones so I couldn’t hear them. I was confused, but followed her to my dressing room that was conveniently empty. Geillis sat on the opposite makeup counter from mine and struggled to find words. 

“Gosh this makes me feel sick, Claire. I want you to hear this from me though. The others offered to have a whole group talk about it but I said no.” 

Immediately my stomach rolled and I felt dangerously close to losing my dinner of tomato soup and half a turkey sandwich. My hands were cold and sweaty. 

“What?” My voice trembled and gave away my sudden fear at her words. 

Geillis struggled to look at me, “After you left Wednesday, Zachary had all of us… well, Ian, Arthur and me as well as some of the cast….he was concerned your lack of enthusiasm Wednesday was taking the whole show down and-” 

“Bullshit.” I hissed out, my heart breaking at the accusation. 

“...and some of us agree, Claire. Now I don’t know what you’ve got going on in your personal life, but it can’t show on stage-” 

I laughed without humor. 

“Really? So instead of meeting with me personally, you all held a- what? A private meeting behind my back to discuss my shortcomings? Tell me how that’s professional at all.” 

Geillis couldn’t look at me and shrugged. I instantly felt betrayed by her. 

“For your information I’m divorcing my abusive husband, so sorry if my acting wasn’t up to par on a rehearsal night. You can tell Zachary to shove his opinion right up his-” 

I didn’t finish the sentence as another cast member entered the dressing room, apparently unaware of the situation. I was livid. 

“Tell the others my performance will be flawless tonight and every night. You should get ready for the house opening.” My words were short and to the point as I walked out of the room and let the door slam behind me. I made a beeline for the side stage door and walked out into the night without a coat or a plan on where I was going, I just knew I needed to get away. 

I walked over to my Subaru and kicked the side near the front bumper. 

“Shit.” 

The car remained unmoved and unmarked but my toes took the brunt of the blow as I forgot I had on my cloth flats.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I angrily slapped the driver’s window. 

Zachary had been kind enough but there was something about him I never trusted. I hardly knew the man and yet he had no problems throwing me under the bus for having an off-day. 

I burned with anger for a good ten minutes before the stage door opened and Jamie rushed out to meet me. 

“Claire!” He cried out, gathering me up in his arms tightly. “I heard, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Seriously, that’s not okay what happened.” 

I wiped away my angry tears, setting my jaw. 

“It’s alright, Jamie. I’ll manage. They want perfect, well perfect is what they’ll get. I’ll be perfect for them.” 

“Surely they must know, have you told anyone?” Jamie inquired, off-put by my forced cheerfulness.

“Only Geillis just now, it’s not like they care. God I’m so stupid.” 

Jamie held me close again, I loved how his arms totally enveloped me and his words were close to my ear. 

“No,” He said firmly. “No you’re not stupid, Sassypants. A wee bit hard-headed but not stupid.” 

I giggled in spite of myself at the new nickname. 

Jamie smiled, “There’s my girl. Now get in there and show them how it’s done.” 

I kissed his stubbly cheek, my lips pressing a beauty mark just to the left side of his square chin. I threw my arms around his neck, holding him close for a moment before running inside. Even in the dark, I could tell Jamie was a bit flustered from my sudden show of affection as he called out after me. 

“Hey Sassypants, is that going to be considered our first kiss?” 

I laughed, genuinely, “Not if I can help it, Fraser.” 

“I’ll hold you to that. I’m owed a raincheck, eh?” 

“You wish!” I bantered back at him. 

“Aye, I do! Break legs, love.” Jamie yelled after me as I ran into the theatre. 

I had never before performed so beautifully as I did that night. The fire of contempt for Zachary and the others didn’t fuel my performance as much as I thought it would, rather… the joking promise from a handsome Scot that I owed him a better first kiss. 


	15. The Understudy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to ;) Many thanks to Jdin20 and Yasminl for the inspiration! Enjoy xx

“Alright everyone, so some good news and bad news.” 

Ian had pulled everyone into the green room for an impromptu meeting, calling us all in half an hour earlier than usual. My eyes caught Jamie’s and I stood across the room from him, we shared a look of confusion. 

“Zachary has a form of laryngitis and lost his voice this morning, I just got off the phone with him and he’s coming in but I don’t think he’ll be able to perform. Jamie, do you think you can manage? You know the script better than anyone plus you’re the right age to play Zachary’s part.” 

Jamie blinked, mouth open. “Oh uh, yeah … I think so, I mean I can but-” 

“Great!” Ian reached over to pat him on the back, “Thanks, brother.” 

Jamie ran a hand frantically through his hair, I grabbed a script from off the counter next to the coffee maker and handed it to him. 

“Need help running lines?” 

For the next quarter of an hour, Jamie and I ran scenes in the hallway as he mentally made notes and changed up delivery from how Zachary had been performing the lead role. His mind was quick and his memory excellent. I was impressed by how fast he transformed into a character and how much of the script he already had down. 

In a whirlwind, it was almost time to start. I was waiting in the wings when I felt Jamie’s presence behind me. Geillis had scrambled with the costumer to find suitable clothes for him, luckily it was a modern show so finding last minute replacements for a 6’3” actor wasn’t too hard to accomplish. 

“Ready, Sassypants?” 

I smiled at the nickname. 

“Are you?” 

Jamie bit his upper lip and nodded. My heart softened, this mountain of a man was a pile of nerves as was I. I had been in shows where understudies were put on stage at the last moment, but still. It was always an adventure not knowing what would come next or what kind of chemistry you would find as you performed with someone new. 

I took a step closer to Jamie and took his hand. 

“You’ve got this.” 

Running my hand up his arm, I fixed his hair, twirling a stray wave or two behind his ear. He bent his head closer to mine in the dark as the lights in the house went down. The hushed murmur of the audience told us both that they were well aware of a change in casting since Ian had printed a note to stuff into programs about Jamie’s role and his theatre experience. I had seized the opportunity to glance at it before we hit places. 

“You never told me you starred in Hamlet.” I whispered. 

“Aye, well the Bard isn’t my cup of tea but I did enjoy talking to that skull for a bit. We’ll see if you make a better scene partner.” 

Even in the dark, I could see Jamie’s eyes twinkle with merriment. A thrill of energy shot through me as I realized we would both be in our element out there under the lights. 

Jamie’s eyes locked onto mine and the lights went up behind him on the stage, my voice burst with pride. 

“Break legs, my love.” 

He stepped out into the spotlight and started the opening monologue. Soon, the audience was hanging on his every word. Zachary had brought a pride to the stage and to the role that Jamie threw utterly away in the first few sentences of the show. He was humble, he was genuine, he was himself a great actor as he morphed into the character of Alex in ways Zachary never could have. 

Ian stood next to me, his eyes shining in the dim lighting backstage. 

“There’s a reason he was my first choice.” He confided close to my ear. Nudging me with an elbow, he chuckled. “Hey, enjoy those love scenes, you two. You’re welcome, Claire.” 

I opened my mouth to protest what Ian was insinuating but as I looked at his face, I saw nothing but kindness. 

“I don’t judge,” Ian said softly. “Jamie’s happier than he’s been in all the years I’ve known him. I hope he stays that way. As do you.” 

There was no hidden meaning behind the words and I reached out to touch his arm lightly, “Thank you, Ian. You’re good people.” 

………………………………….

My stomach was butterflies and I sucked on a peppermint Altoid as I got ready for the party scene. I zipped myself into my red satin costume and touched up my makeup in vanity before Geillis made the call for places.

_ Pull yourself together, girl.  _

There was no stage kiss, for that I was thankful but my hands shook as I applied my red pencil again to my lips as my heart raced. Acting wasn’t the same thing at all when you did scenes with someone you were close to and physically, Jamie and I hadn’t done much other than hugs or brief kisses on cheeks. Being a love interest,  _ my _ love interest would be definitely a different kind of energy than my platonic feelings towards the other actor. 

_ Same lines, same scenes. Same energy.  _

I was trying to deny the truth of what lay between us both as I took a shaking breath and stepped out onto the stage for the first time that night.

“Hello,” Jamie was pushed into me by his grandmother in the show and I could hear the audience twitter with humor as he all but stumbled into me. 

Jamie’s hand met mine in a handshake as the rest of the cast and audience giggled, our shake was prolonged and painfully awkward as we both took each other in as the characters. For the first time since we started the show, the script felt new. 

“Am I in the right place?” I asked hesitantly. 

“You are now.” Jamie quipped. 

I was surprised at the actual blush that came over my own cheeks as the audience laughed in approval. No one had ever found that funny before. 

_ Dear God, was it that obvious?  _

The sparks between us were undeniable as we both didn’t need to feign interest in the other. I loosened up on stage and let Jamie’s magnetic personality reel me in through his character. All too soon we found ourselves at the couch scene before our characters said goodbye for the evening. 

It felt surreal as I was on stage performing in front of an audience in the scene in which we’d first met in real life, too. 

  
“I had a lot of fun tonight, Alex.” I said. “I’m glad your gran thought to invite me.” 

“Not at all,” Jamie ad-libbed the line a bit, his gaze meeting mine, the space between us was closer than the last time we did this scene. There was a new tenderness in his eyes as well and I realized we were both thinking of the first time we had met all those weeks ago. How little we knew of how much would happen since that fateful night. 

Strangers, to friends, to … this. 

“I’m lucky you came.” 

The lines had blurred into reality and as professional as we were trying to be, it was clear it was me he was talking to instead of my character. 

“I’m lucky too.” I admitted shyly. 

Jamie’s eyes rested on my face and then travelled down to my neckline. I could feel my pulse rising and hoped the blush spreading up my neck wasn’t too obvious to him or to the audience. He snapped into the moment again and he quickly got out the next line. 

“Don’t get me wrong, when your Nan sets you up with a girl, it’s always a hit or miss.” He laughed softly. 

“And this time?” My eyes met his, unwavering. He held my gaze, his eyes dilating a bit. 

“Definitely a hit.” 

Jamie’s leaned closer to me and I did so to him subconsciously. His eyes on my lips again, mine on his throat as he swallowed hard. New territory now. This wasn’t scripted. 

His ocean blue eyes were deep as pools and I wanted to sink into them and drown happily. For a moment it was just us in the room with no witnesses. The looks and stares we had shared in private were now on display for the world to see. 

“I want to see you again,” Jamie said suddenly, he brought me back to the present where 250 people were waiting to hear our lines. 

“Is that a request?” 

“Yes,” Jamie cleared his throat, “Only if you want to though, I mean, it’s up to you-” 

“I’d like that very much, Alex.” 

Jamie walked me to the stage door and I held out my hand to shake goodbye as we had rehearsed. 

He grabbed my hand and took a step closer to me, his eyes on my small fingers as he brought them to his lips. A murmur and some “aww” whispers from the crowd told me they wanted this, too. 

Jamie bent down to kiss my cheek as well and as he did so, he whispered in my ear. 

“Tomorrow. Meet me early behind The Ball.” 

I blushed again for the third time on stage and said my goodbye line. I hurried off stage right into the wings and to the safety of my dressing room. 

I hastily took a drink of my water bottle and washed my hands in the sink, putting some cold water behind each ear before anyone noticed I was flustered. 

My phone vibrated in my bag and I quickly took it out to look at it. 

Frank. 

_ Flight landing at 7:30 tomorrow night, I should be back in time to relieve Mrs. F from watching Fergus. I know it’s the last show so I’ll see you later when you’re home. I love you, my darling. _

The air escaped my mouth in a low sigh and my insides clenched tightly together as I braced myself for his return. 

As we stood on stage for the curtain call, our cast got a standing ovation for the first time in our whole run. The theatre loved Jamie and it was clear his replacement of Zachary would take over tomorrow night as well for our final show. Jamie's hand in mine was as proud as the look on his face as he bowed to the audience cheers. Taking an opportunity to show off, Jamie spun me under his arm and his smile widened as I was not expecting it. His hand caught my waist before I fell over with the sudden movement. 

"We did it," He hugged me as soon as we got off stage, I could barely hear him over the cheers. 

The cast and crew rushed in on Jamie, congratulating him on his success. I waited for a moment and pulled him away to show him the text ten minutes later as we were gathering up our things to head home. 

"Claire," Jamie's voice was sharp as he looked at me sternly. "Are you going to be alright? Do you want me to see if you can stay with Jenny tomorrow? I could come over and help you and Fergus gather things to take over there-" 

I shook my head. "No,it's alright. He doesn't know anything, besides Ned told me to go about business as usual. He'd suspect something was up if Fergus or I didn't come home." 

"I can't stand the thought of you under the same roof as him, Claire. I really would feel safer if you'd reconsider." Jamie begged, his hand pressing mine firmly. 

"I know," I replied. "Only a few more days though, Jamie. I'll be okay, I promise." 

"If he so much as touches you, I'll-" Jamie's jaw clenched tightly. 

"I know," I said. 

"I promised you I'd see you safe, Claire. You and the child. It's a promise I'll keep." Jamie reassured me, drawing me close again and holding me securely in his arms. 

We both had no idea what the next 48 hours would hold, all we held was each other but this time it wasn't enough to stop the fear that rose in my heart. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. First and Last Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire finds a sanctuary in her car with Jamie, just as later that evening Frank arrives back from his trip bringing absolute hell back into her life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: alcohol, assault, non con
> 
> Please feel free to skip or skim the very end of this chapter if you're finding it triggering. In Claire's story here I am retelling parts of my own life. What ultimately led to me leaving my abuser. As painful as it was to write it was incredibly cathartic and I took great liberty to give Claire a glimpse of her future with Jamie before ultimately reaching the peak in her abuse with Frank. I promise his days are numbered. He won't be hurting them again.   
> "Take your broken heart and turn it into art." Carrie Fisher.

“Daddy’s home today,” I kissed Fergus on the cheek and squashed him close to my heart that morning as we set about our morning routine. 

Opening up the bedroom curtains, I picked up various trucks and toys left out on the floor from his escapades with Mrs. F the night before while I was on stage. Stepping on something sharp I bit my tongue as I tripped into his closet door. Whomever started the rumor that Legos were painful to step on had clearly never stepped upon a metal Hot Wheels. 

Ever oblivious to reading emotion, Fergus chuckled heartily and chirped, “Mama fall down?” 

“Yes, honey. Mama fall down.” 

“Mama ok?” He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked down at me holding my foot. 

It was the first time in a long time he asked me a question, I laughed softly. 

“Yes, mama okay. Thank you for asking, Sweetie.” 

I held out my arms to him and he ran into me, we both fell backwards onto the play rug and were a mess of tickles and laughter until the sound of the doorbell abruptly broke the atmosphere of the condo. 

My heart raced, not yet. I had been tracking Frank’s flight on my phone and knew he had been delayed a fair bit on the trip. Both Fergus and I cautiously peered round the bend in the hallway to look out at the front door. 

“Only me, Sassypants. Thought I’d surprise you and the lad with some breakfast if that’s okay.” 

Jamie’s familiar voice quieted my fears substantially, and brought new ones. 

Still, I was very glad to open the door to let him in. In one hand, he held an extra large coffee and the other a bag from the bagel shop down the street. 

“James Fraser, you shouldn’t have.” I laughed and eagerly took hold of the hot cup. 

“I didn’t, that’s for me,” Jamie winked. “Actually I was on a run and remembered that shop was the best in town so naturally I headed over here.” 

“Naturally.” 

I tried a sip of the coffee and was delighted to find it piping hot with a hint of french vanilla in the cream. Jamie had been observant watching me make my own in the theatre green room and tried his best to recreate something I would like.

Fergus grabbed a blueberry muffin and ran away with it, happily leaving crumbs in his wake. He stopped in the hall and made the sign for ‘milk’ at me and ran back into his room with his prize. 

Walking over to the fridge, I pulled out a half gallon to get him a glass. 

“Jamie this is all wonderful, thank you.” I surveyed the spread of baked goods and different types of smear and jams. 

We settled into breakfast and while we ate and drank, I recounted my sleepless night to him. 

“I know, me too.” Jamie shifted in his seat. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want company but I figured this is the last time we get to have together before he’s back and I want to make the most of it.”

I knew he was there to check on me and I couldn’t have been more grateful for his presence. The whole energy of the condo changed each time Jamie was there, it was sunnier, louder and a lot more full of life. Even my small succulents on the kitchen window ledge were looking greener than usual with him there. 

“How are you feeling today?” I asked him, genuinely. 

“Eh, okay I suppose. Looking forward to later,” Jamie answered mischievously. 

“Why is that, Mister Fraser?” I played innocent but my heart leapt as I remembered he wanted to meet me at the theatre early. 

“Because I get to spend more time with you.” Jamie said simply. 

Fergus ran into the room making obscenely loud car noises as his cheeks bulged with half eaten muffin. He sat down at the table and promptly plopped his Hot Wheels into the cup of milk before drinking it. 

“That’s an odd concoction there, wee man.” Jamie laughed, his laugh filling up the kitchen with its clear, warm tones. 

My heart was full as I soaked in the sunshine and watched my two favorite men interacting with each other. 

…………………………………………….

  
  


Jamie had left no more than an hour later, I was thankful for the time he spent playing with my son as it gave me a chance to clean the condo from top to bottom. I was a ball of emotion and anxiety all day, Fergus and I spent some time out in the yard and I set my phone up to play some coffee shop music in the background. I couldn’t stand the silence or the feelings of impending doom that edged in on my perfect morning with Jamie. 

After an eternity, it was finally time to leave for the last show. I knew Frank’s plane would be touching down in just an hour or so. 

“Leaving early today?” Mrs. F mentioned to me as she surveyed me scrubbing a last area of the kitchen counter where my Keurig stood. 

“Yeah…. Uhm, thanks so much for being flexible.” 

“Nonsense, dear. I’ve nothing much to do but look forward to spending time with Mister Fergus today, you know I don’t mind.” She chided lovingly. 

“Frank will be back tonight,” I tried keeping my voice level as my heart sank in my chest. 

“Oh? That’ll be nice, I’m sure he’s been missed.” Mrs. F said absentmindedly. “Are you excited to see your daddy, hun?” 

Fergus pulled a face and much to my own surprise ran to my leg to hug it and rub his cheek on the fabric of my jeans. 

“No daddy, only mama love.” 

Mrs. F. laughed. 

“Mama love is indeed the best.” 

I picked Fergus up and kissed his chubby cheeks, “Mama will be back soon, Honey Bear.” 

I had no idea how the nickname started but it was one I always referred to him as. Kissing his ruby lips and setting him down, I grabbed my water bottle and slipped on my long down coat to go out into the late November night. 

In my car, I waved to them at the window. 

_ I’ll be back soon, Sweet Angel.  _

I hadn’t been one for prayer or religion but I said a prayer as I left the house that night. 

…………………………………………………

The fall, turning-into-winter weather was brisk and cold as the sun started its descent on the Boston skyline. I had arrived at The Ball close to an hour before call times as Jamie had requested the day before. His was the only car in the tiny parking lot behind the tall vintage theatre. Jamie’s tall figure was leaning against the outside of his car as he watched me pull in next to him he grinned broadly as he waited reminding me of a child on Christmas eve looking out the windows for a glimpse of Santa’s sleigh. 

In spite of myself, I giggled at his excitement. I was still slightly unsure as to why he had asked to meet me early but Jamie soon made it clear. 

“Ready for the last show?” I asked as he opened my passenger door and got into my Subaru. 

Jamie’s air of excitement turned to one of nervousness as he glanced at my face and then looked down at his hands for a moment. The tell-tale twitch of his right hand fingers played anxiously on the hem of his sherpa-lined flannel overcoat. 

“Yes.” He said surely. “But first-” 

Jamie turned to look at me, my hands still on the wheel of the car as I had just set it in park a moment before. Without hesitation, he put both of his hands on my cheeks and leaned over bringing his face close to mine in a heartbeat. His eyes soft as they rested on first my own and then lowered to my mouth. Before I could react and definitely before my own heart stopped beating temporarily, a thrill of electricity ran down my back as he tenderly pressed his lips to mine. Jamie caught his own breath as I felt his exhale warm on my face. The auburn stubble on his upper lip caught on my nose just a bit as the gentle kiss turned ardent with desire. 

My hands, still frozen mid-air next to the wheel, relaxed and I helplessly rested them on his coat collar returning his kiss with just as much pent-up emotion. The thrill and newness of the feeling between us released into a familiar knowing of the other. I felt as though I had kissed him and only him for my entire life up to that moment and I never wanted to feel the touch of another again. 

Jamie’s large, rough hands let go of my face gently, his fingers finding my own on his chest. He pulled back slowly and surveyed my face in utter delight and adoration. I knew that he had enjoyed that as much as I did. His voice was full of emotion and pure joy as he finally spoke. 

“Now there’s the kiss I had promised you, Sassypants.” 

“Well don’t stop now.” I laughed softly after finding my voice. With one hand on his own and another on his coat collar I pulled him in for another, and another. I lost all track of time and place as we sank against and into each other time after time leaving us both breathless. 

Vaguely aware of the emergency brake cutting into my side, my hands wandered to the first button on his shirt as his right hand slid down my arm and up my side slipping under my coat. I exhaled sharply and a small noise escaped my lips as Jamie’s scruff grazed first my chin and then my neck as he kissed me with reckless abandon and open want. My fingers tangled in his red-brown waves as his hand cupped the side of my breast over my sweater. 

I couldn’t bring myself to stop and neither could he, there was no shame or guilt in our embrace. Suddenly, the sound of a car driving past the lot broke us both apart. Thankfully, it was a building over and no one from the show. I realized my face was bright red as was his, the unspoken reality of how fast things could have escalated hung meaningfully in the silence between us. The only sound in the car was from the both of us trying to catch our breath, we both looked straight ahead and I could tell he was trying as hard as I was to regain composure before someone came along from the cast or crew. 

There was a long moment before either of us spoke, Jamie broke the silence first. 

“I want you, Claire. More than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.” 

My eyes found his and he was dead serious as he looked at me with an intensity that made my stomach quiver with anticipation. He grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips in the way he loved to do so many times before. This time, he opened my fingers and kissed the center of my palm and again gently on the inside on my wrist. The sensitivity of the area and the combination of his jawline against it made me catch my breath all over again. 

Jamie drew himself back slightly, looking intensely into my eyes again. His voice now low and thick with emotion. 

“I want to do it right, though. I love you too much to add another layer of complications to your situation right now. As much as I want you,” Jamie kissed my palm again. “I want to wait until we both know it’s time. I can’t have you in danger because of me.” 

For the first time that day, tears sprang into my eyes at his thoughtfulness. 

“Jamie, I-” I began. “No one’s ever cared about me in that way before.” 

Jamie smiled sadly, “Perhaps no one’s ever wanted to give you their all before.” 

I looked at him quizzically. He blushed as he cleared his throat and bit his upper lip quickly before looking away from my face. 

“Claire-” He started before his voice failed him. “I’ve never…. Never been with anyone else… not fully… before….” 

I blinked dumbfounded. 

“You’re kidding.” 

I stated a fact not a question but Jamie shook his head. 

“I just thought… you should know. The way I was raised, I always wanted it to be for one person only. One person for all my life.” 

“But surely-” I interrupted incredulously. 

“Oh, I’ve not been a saint, Claire.” Jamie laughed quietly, “But I’ve never actually…” 

I kissed him then, how dear this man had become to me in his shy admission. I felt Jamie’s mouth widen as he smiled into my kiss. 

“I reckon one of us should know what we’re doing.” 

I collapsed into giggles at his words. 

“Pardon me, James Fraser,” I began hotly, “But I am a VIRGIN, how dare you insinuate that about me?” 

Jamie laughed too, his eyes lighting up mischievously. 

“So Fergus is an immaculate conception, eh? That’s dangerously close to blaspheming the Holy Mother herself, love.” 

He kissed my nose before I devolved into laughter, the sound muffled in the cab of my car as we found our own heavenly space inside of an ever-darkening world. 

…………………………………………….

The evening seemed surreal as once again, Jamie was acting opposite to me. I felt only closer to him than ever and the closeness was accepted on stage with utter rapture from our final audience. This time at curtain, I squeezed Jamie’s hand three times and he returned the action, twirling me around again in my red dress as we received another standing ovation from the merry theatre-goers. I packed up slowly that night, taking in everything in my dressing room at The Ball one last time before turning off the lights by the mirror for the final time. My heart would remain in this happy place long after we had left it. 

I said goodbye to the others with echoed promises of every show that we all would get together again someday soon. Jamie helped carry my things to the car and loaded them all in before lingering with me at my car door again. The night air bit at my nose and I could smell the faint aroma of snow on the clouds gathering overhead. 

“Don’t go, Claire.” Jamie whispered into my ear as he held me close for one last time. 

His deep blue eyes open and pleading as he searched my face. 

I had all the reasons in the world to stay with him but one huge reason pulled me away. 

“My son, I-” 

“I understand,” Jamie nodded sourly. “I’m tempted to follow you and sleep in my car outside your house, if I’m honest.” 

He wasn’t kidding. 

“I’ll be fine, Jamie. I’ll call you in the morning, okay?” My voice sounded more sure than my gut feeling was leading me to believe. 

“Promise me you’ll call before that if you need me, Claire.” Jamie demanded. 

“I swear, I will.” I kissed his cheek as he opened my door and regretfully leaned against the driver’s side as I got in. 

“Sassypants?” Jamie said softly, I turned the key in the ignition and looked at him again. 

“I love you.” 

His words gave me both power and comfort as he kissed me once more and then backed away, watching as I drove out of the parking lot. His tall figure disappeared in my rearview mirror as I drove away. I felt as though I was leaving my whole heart behind as I went home. 

……………………………………………………………….

It was close to 11 that night as I pulled into my drive. Leaving my Subaru outside, I parked behind Frank’s dark blue Mercedes. The air around the condo had changed since had left it earlier. It was quiet, dark and cold. I could see a light flickering on in the kitchen as I opened the door quietly trying not to disturb a hopefully-sleeping toddler. 

Taking my shoes off at the door, I turned and saw Frank waiting for me in the kitchen. His thin face lit up as he saw me and he greeted me with a hug that seemed cold after the fire of my embrace with Jamie. 

“I come bearing gifts.” Frank said quietly, he was in a good mood and eager to talk. 

I tried hiding my emotions as I washed my hands and joined him on the bar stools at our counter. 

“I brought you back this for your collection,” Frank said, proudly pointing to a small, black teapot made of clay. 

The handle was wicker and there was a large, white lotus painted on the side. Frank went on to explain in detail what made this antiquity unique and I thanked him for it. Since university I had made a point of collecting small teapots on our travels and had about five now, of different kinds and colors around the kitchen. 

Admittedly, it was a thing of beauty and I did love it. 

“A toast,” Frank produced a bottle of Sake wine from his brown leather satchel on the counter that he used as a carry-on for the flight. “Had to get this beauty through customs but I thought you’d enjoy some tonight.” 

“I’ve never had Sake before,” I admitted, trying to force a smile. 

Frank remained happy and did not notice my stiffness around him. Pouring two small glasses full of the Japanese rice wine, he held one up to me and I took it, looking curiously at the white and slightly clouded liquid. 

“To my wife. To being home. To a successful trip.” 

I clinked my glass with Frank’s and drank the entire glass like a shot. The liquid was faintly flavored but had a hint of being stronger than it seemed as I downed it. Frank poured us another. I had forgotten how much his Japanese colleagues drank as Frank poured yet another for us both after we had sipped the second one for a while. 

He was eager to show me pictures of temples and of the trip in general and as tired as I was, I tried to show interest. It was beautiful and I was half-jealous he had gotten to travel so far all the time while I stayed here, a stationary homage to what would fuel his own success in the world. 

I was right in how fast the Sake caught up with me. I lost track of how many glasses Frank had poured and I kept drinking as he talked so as not to make much eye contact with him. It was stupid. My head buzzed with a delayed response due to the alcohol after a while. 

He was as sober as ever and at one point, brushed my hair off my neck to kiss it. I stiffened as he came close. 

“Glad you’re home, honey. Alright if I wash up for bed?” I excused myself and drowsily walked to the bathroom where I changed into my nightgown and robe and washed all traces of makeup off my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, my hand tracing my lips where Jamie had kissed me. I closed my eyes and tried to remember how it felt. My head was fairly spinning as I came back out to say goodnight to Frank. 

To my surprise, he was in the master bedroom, carefully placing my new teapot on my nightstand next to my favorite sage and lemon candle which he had lit for me. 

“Goodnight, my darling.” Frank kissed my lips softly, I was drunk enough to return his kiss to the best of my ability although the feeling of his clean-shaven face against my own was enough to make me want to retch. Any attraction I had felt towards him had been dead and buried since he first raised a hand towards me years ago. 

“Night, thanks for the gift.” I murmured, getting into bed. 

Frank kissed my head and to my relief, he left me then. I saw him hesitate at the door before going down the hall to sleep on the couch. 

That fourth, or fifth, glass of Sake hit me like a ton of bricks as I only rarely drank. Frank knew it. Soon, my eyelids were heavy from the emotions of the day. I rested my head back into my pillows and with the candle still burning, I fell asleep in a matter of seconds. 

The rest of the night was a blur but I remember waking up with the feeling of something not right, my body revolting against the presence and touch of someone over me. Frank was in my room. In the light of the candle, I tried keeping my eyes open and couldn’t. Flickering in and out of consciousness, I was aware of his touch on my skin. I was exposed on the bed, my robe pulled off of me and my nightgown lifted up with his hands underneath it. The weight of him on the bed next to me was vague and it seemed as if I was watching from somewhere above. I saw myself in the light of the candle, my white skin glowing in the light. I felt the pain then, I tried saying no, I couldn’t shout or be loud but my voice was soft as I protested to the hands roaming my body. 

“No, I… no, don’t. Please.” 

Frank didn’t reply, but his hands found the area between my legs and parted them open against my will. I cursed how much I had had to drink as I was powerless to his advances. His fingers were at my opening and he drew back, whispering in my ear. 

“God you’re wet, you really want me.” 

I let out a small gasp as he shoved his fingers inside me, first gently then with more force. A small tear slid out of my left eye and down my cheek into the pillow. I couldn’t move. My body was revolting against me, I could feel myself being betrayed by his rough touch as my body produced lubrication to lessen the pain I was feeling. 

We had never, ever done what he was doing to me. I could feel him, every inch of him, as he jammed his entire hand up inside me. The pain seared me to my core as it pulled and tore, my body numb with the shock of what was happening. 

_ Jamie.  _

His name was on my mind as I mentally called out to him again and again, unable to move. My phone lay on the dresser plugged in for the night but I couldn’t access it. 

I watched the candle light flicker against the small, black teapot and I focused on the white lotus on the side of it visually tracing the details to fill my mind and block out what was happening. 

_ Jamie. Jamie. Jamie.  _


	17. Of Broken Things

I did not dream that night. I wanted to. As I slipped in and out of consciousness, I would hear my own voice call out to Jamie in little more than a whisper. As much as I commanded my arms to move, they would not. I lay there, helpless and exposed until I finally slipped into the void of sleep. 

Sometime later, I woke up to the feeling of being shaken firmly. My mind was slightly more clear as I felt the effects of whatever he had given me wearing off. Frank was shaking my arm, his face blank as he looked at me. His expression was without emotion as he spoke. He looked like an automaton and his voice was just as robotic. 

“Claire. I know.” 

I moved slowly, the pain still throbbing dully between my legs. 

“What?” My mouth was dry and my head was still clearing, the clock said 5:03 am. 

My tears must have run down my face on my left side, leaving my hair wet and matted together on the pillow. I struggled to sit up in my bed and I didn’t know whether to scream or cry or run, if I could even walk. 

“I used your fingerprint to open your phone, Claire. I know about you and Jamie.” 

For the first time I noticed he held my phone in his hand. Apart from a few ‘I love you’ texts there was nothing on there for him to see. I was more unsettled that he had taken my hand in my sleep to use to open my phone on me. In my confusion, I thought of what Ned had told me about being careful and I cursed myself for not thinking of this. 

I sat up straighter and breathed in deeply, taking in my surroundings. To my alarm, there was the entire knife block from the kitchen on my bedside table. A choked yell emerged from my mouth and I put a hand over it to stifle the sound. 

“I put that there to show you I wasn’t going to hurt you.” 

_What the fuck?!_

My mind cleared suddenly and I grabbed my phone out of his limp grasp. A new fury rose in me and I let it power my body as every step hurt me like a knife right to my core. I got out of bed and slipped on the nearest pair of shoes I had, rain boots. 

“It’s over, Frank.” I turned to look at him, my eyes as hot as my tears ran freely down my face. 

I expected Frank to sit up, to look at me and plead, to come after me. To do something. But he didn’t. The thin man sat cross-legged in the chair next to my bed and in that moment, I no longer knew him. Frank Randall was a stranger to me and always would be. 

“Where are you going?” He called weakly. 

I rushed to grab an overnight bag from the ones he had unpacked earlier and shoved it full of clean laundry. I grabbed Fergus’s favorite stuffed animals and books as well. Anything I could grab quickly went in the case. 

I entered Fergus’s little room, my eyes filled with fresh tears. 

“Come on, baby. Come with Mama. We’re going for a drive.” I whispered into his dark curls as I hoisted him onto my hip. Gathering all I could and wrapping him in his favorite blanket, I made my way painfully and slowly to the front door.

In an admission of guilt, Frank did nothing. He didn’t call out, or stand or bed. He didn’t question my actions or the fact that I was about to take our son, his child, out into the night with not so much as a word. Fergus clung to me and I to him, I settled him safely in the backseat and quickly got into the driver’s seat. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing, so I called the one number I knew would answer. Locking the car doors, I pulled out slowly from our drive and steadied my mind against whatever Frank had given me. 

With two rings, the call picked up. My ears rang with tinnitus, to me Jamie’s voice sounded like it was echoing around a fishbowl.

“Claire? Are you alright? What’s going on?” 

“We’re coming over. What’s your address?” 

“Um… Brelsford. 889 Brelsford. Claire, do you need me to come get you? What’s going on?” His voice took on an edge of panic. 

“No, I’m already coming.” Turning on my blinker I pulled out onto the empty avenue. From the backseat, Fergus had been terribly confused and mumbled a few things before settling into his blankets and pillows sleepily. 

“I’ll be outside, please drive safe. Are you okay?” Jamie pleaded with me. 

“No….” My voice broke as my body shook again, “No, he hurt me. I’m done, Jamie. I can’t- I can’t-” 

“Claire,” Jamie’s voice caught in his throat. “I’m here. Waiting. I’ll be here. Just listen to my voice, don’t hang up my love.” 

After ten minutes or so of back roads I pulled onto Brelsford. My headlights hit the row of flats on the left and near some hedges I saw Jamie’s car and him standing next to it. 

Seeing my car, he came running towards me. I quickly pulled to the side of the road and stopped. Opening my door and stepping out, the world whirled around me once more and I felt as though I had just gotten off a roller coaster. My stomach rejected any liquids it had been keeping in it and I retched, my hand gripping the door frame. The tight pain between my legs hit me again and I sank to the ground but not before I was caught by Jamie’s solid arms. 

“Christ! Jesus, Claire. What did he do to you?” His voice thick with emotion and new terror as he glimpsed my white cheeks in the dark. 

“I think….he gave me something….I woke up and he- he was over me, hurting me and I-” The words came out stuttering. I looked down at my white pajama top and both Jamie and I noticed the stain at the same time. A small drop or two of dark brown was against the area on my left thigh. I reached down and felt the presence of more dried blood. My entire body shook and I retched again before the world faded away. Dark spots clouded my vision and I heard Jamie’s voice distantly call out for Ian as he scooped me up and ran. My head thudding against his broad shoulder as I allowed myself to slump into unconsciousness. I didn’t have to fight it anymore, we were safe. 

Bright lights, my body poked gently and then a sharp pinch as my blood was drawn. I was vaguely aware of someone wrapping warm blankets around me as I lay on a new soft bed. The hum of voices seemed distant. Someone shining a tiny flashlight into my eyes rudely woke me up smartly. I was in a quiet, tiny alcove in some sort of hospital. Jamie by my side, his eyes never leaving my face. He smiled then, his eyes red and looked as though he had been crying. 

“Claire, God it’s good to see you awake.” He squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, Fergus is with my sister, Jenny. I told you she’s a nurse, aye?” 

“Where,” I began slowly, I noticed the doctor leaving the curtained section we were in. “Where are we?” 

“Bethesda, I called Jenny and she said to come straight over so we’ve been here for a few hours now. It’s almost ten in the morning.” 

The male doctor who left must have gone to fetch a female doctor specifically for me, she was a kindly, older Asian woman who spoke slowly and reminded me of a little bird. I felt more calm in her presence although her news was not good. Rohypnol. The toxicology screen had shown the combination of drugs Frank had given me and she explained they had already typed up a report to send into the police along with the exam I needed to take. They were just waiting for me to sleep off the effects of the drug before they could begin. 

I swallowed and my stomach rumbled angrily. I could go home after. 

_Home_ , I thought. _Where was home now?_

Jamie squeezed my hand hard when the doctor mentioned I had to go do the next part alone with the forensic nurses.   
  
The next few hours were a nightmare I tried hard to forget. As kind as they all were, I would never forget taking off my nightgown and them bagging it up as evidence. Nor the pictures and angles and detailed shots they got of my body. I cried, they held my hand. Gently and with dignity, I was grateful to the team of nurses and especially the doctor that cleaned me up and let me shower. A nurse had laid out an outfit that would fit me, donated to the hospital for just such purposes. I put on the sweater and sweatpants slowly, pelvic floor bruising and pulled ligaments was the official diagnosis. No tears and nothing needed stitches but I had bled slightly due to the trauma. 

Finally, I slowly walked out to the waiting area. I couldn’t bring myself to even look Jamie in the eyes, but he had Fergus again and the child looked as happy as ever. Jenny had got him a bright green balloon from the gift shop and he was tugging on it and stimming off the motion looking at it from every angle. I hugged him tightly as the nurses handed me discharge papers, Jamie hung on their every word as they explained the police would be in contact. I had already given a detailed report to the forensic nurses and to be honest, I was done talking for the day. Jamie kissed my head as he buckled me up the passenger’s seat taking extra care around my midsection and soon we were on our way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woof. This was a tough one for me to write. I must have started and deleted about five different versions of this chapter. Before I overthink it, here it is.


	18. Whole Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Your face is my heart, Sassenach and the love of you is my soul. "
> 
> James Fraser
> 
> I didn't need him to save me. I needed him to love me while I saved myself.

Devastation was as heavy as it was familiar to James Fraser, only one other day in his past had things been so grim and that was the death of his parents. It had been a long day already when he got Claire back to his flat at noon. Her phone was in the breast pocket of his coat and he had silenced it as Frank kept ringing it all morning. Once, just once he wanted to answer, although what he would tell Claire’s husband he did not know. 

With each doctor and nurse that came in was a fresh, vile revelation to him of the trauma she had experienced at this man’s hand. 

“Are you the boyfriend...er friend?” The nurses kindly assumed watching the way he had brought her in and taken care of her. 

He hadn’t even asked Claire yet, the formality of who she was with seemed moot as she was his and his alone regardless of her unfortunate status. While Claire was unconscious, looking so small and frail on the bed sleeping off the Rohypnol, Jamie recounted as much as he could of the story of abuse and the few details Claire had been able to communicate with him earlier. 

He had kept close-lipped about the years he had served with Ian in the military before settling back into Boston to be near Jenny after their gran died. Some things you just don’t talk about. Not even Jenny knew of the men they had killed nor the circumstances of their platoon. It would only upset her. Jamie was used to the horrors of war after coming back from Iraq, he had seen women, children and whole towns screaming and crying in the bloody aftermath of bombings. Claire fainting into his arms had triggered a trauma response in him of desperately trying to get an Iraqi civilian to safety after a raid went wrong. 

And yet. 

This was personal. 

The woman hurt wasn’t just any woman. It was _ his _ woman. Looking at her in the silence with the beeps of the machines around them, Jamie’s eyes filled with desperate tears as he prayed over her. He had found a new faith in his Catholicism in the war and even now, he prayed over her, moving his lips quietly as he scooted a chair close to her side. 

_ May the Lord keep her. May the fire in her soul return and light the darkness she had endured. May she be protected always, her and the child. Today and every day. May she be whole again.  _

He kissed her pale fingers as she was in and out of sleep her dark lashes twitching and brow creased painfully as she slept. 

Jenny had been with him when they were given the full report from the police. Frank would be charged and taken from the home that day, there was no need to involve Claire. Of course Ned Gowan would be contacted as her lawyer with the new evidence and he would likely be calling Claire later. The sergeant reassured Jamie in a low tone that Frank would be taken into custody and likely held until trial. 

It was too good for him. Jamie had killed before and his deepest, darkest desires to break the legs of Frank Randall were almost overpowering. Jenny had put a hand on his arm, her dark, quick eyes reading his thoughts. 

“You’ll ‘no pay him a visit, James. The last thing Claire needs right now is you getting arrested on a murder charge. We’ll take care of her, brother. As much as I’d love to see the bastard bleed out myself, it’ll be much worse for him in the long run once this all heads to court. In the meantime, Claire and the lad can stay with me.” 

Jamie hugged her and kissed her cheek as she left. Jenny’s mothering nature had taken over and he could tell Claire and Fergus were already a part of her own heart as much as they were of his. It also helped that Fergus called her a “beautiful lady” and kissed her hand repeatedly. She had melted in the lad’s bright blue eyes and was wrapped around his finger as she arrived early for her shift to take him for a walk around Bethesda. 

On the ride out of the hospital, Jamie took the slowest and easiest roads home not wanting to jostle Claire around in the car. The doctors had warned him that she was still in a state of shock. Her body would be fine in time but her mind….

“My home is yours,” Jamie whispered softly. “My family is yours now, Claire. Let me take you home.” 

Claire had stared blankly out the window for the ride back to Brelsford. 

…………………………………………………………….

It was December 1st. 

I had noticed the calendar on the wall in the living room. My mind numb, I cautiously took in my new surroundings. The small flat was gray, from the floorboards to the paint on the walls. It was old, but clean. Jamie and Ian had tried their best to make it into a home and I could tell Jenny had left her mark on the place with the colored rug and fluffy pillows on the couch next to a large coffee table. Jamie ushered me and Fergus inside quietly. He had rummaged around one of the rooms down the hall to emerge with a bunch of old Star Wars toys from his own childhood. Fergus was only too happy to eat his grilled cheese Jamie had made and settled into exploring the new space with his new action figurines. 

“It’s not much but I’ve got a whole salmon plank planned for dinner, Sassypants. Eat this and if you can keep it down we’ll try more later.” 

I was starving as I almost swallowed the half of the sandwich he had made for me. 

“Easy love, there’s more where that came from.” Jamie laughed and his face brightened at my huge appetite. 

“Just be forewarned, Jamie. I bet I can eat you under a table when I finally do recover.” My voice sounded more sure of itself and for the first time I cracked a small smile. 

“I should hope so. That’ll be the ultimate test for my family, if ye can keep up with me and Jenny at Christmas you’re officially part of the Fraser clan.” Jamie’s eyes twinkled merrily at me. 

“Are you inviting me to spend Christmas with you?” I said surely, sitting up a little straighter. 

“Only if you want to, Sassypants.” 

We shared a look and my heart melted a little, in spite of it all and no matter what had happened, I had this wonderful angel of a man calling me Sassypants and gazing tenderly at my face every few minutes. I was wanted, I was home. Whatever home meant, I knew it was next to him. 

For the next half hour, we listened to Fergus playing in what must have been Jamie’s room. Jamie had moved over to the couch near me. I patted the seat next to me and he softly sat down and smiled as I scooted closer to his side. Ten minutes later, I was lying down on top of him, my head peacefully settled on his chest. Our hands intertwined, the scruff on his chin grazed my forehead as I snoozed listening to his heartbeat and feeling his chest go up and down with his steady breathing. Between us, there was the silence that only comes when two people understand each other. 

“If you do come to Christmas, Claire. People will assume you’re my girlfriend.” Jamie abruptly spoke out loud, more to himself than anyone else. 

“And?” I asked, “I’m not worried about it, pretty sure no one’s going to care if I’m seen with you now. I certainly don’t. Do you?” 

Jamie shook his head, his chest moving faster as his breath sped up a bit. 

“I don’t mind.” 

I pulled back to look at him, “Jamie, I’m literally at my worst right now. You can’t possibly be asking me to be your girlfriend.” 

“Of course not.” 

There was a beat and he broke the silence again. 

“So…. just hypothetically if I did ask-?” 

I pretended to think about it hard for a moment. 

“In your dreams, Fraser.” 

We laughed together and the air between us hung soft and golden in the light from the side lamp on the table. 

“Jamie,” I said seriously, “You don’t think…. Differently of me, do you?” 

Jamie’s voice was sharp as he looked down at me sternly. 

“Of course not. Claire, you are still the most beautiful woman I know. Nothing that man could ever do would change that. Ever.” 

There was a brief silence before he spoke again. 

“Come with me, Claire. I’ve something to show you.” 

Jamie helped me up from the couch and held my hand in his as he led me through the flat. Taking me into the back room where Fergus was playing, he led me over to the wall beside the queen sized bed. The bed was made with precision and I was half surprised at the intense order of it all. I soon saw why. 

Putting me in front of him, he wrapped his large hands gently around my shoulders. 

“Spring 2008, Iraq.” Jamie said quietly. 

There was a photograph, hung square in front of us, a bright photo of a group of men in green and camo alongside a tank. Some smiled, some did not. My mouth opened as I saw Jamie’s unmistakable tower of a form next to the gun of the tank. Alongside him was Ian. Mere boys, their jaws were set and they all looked much older than their years. 

“How old were you?” I asked. 

“Nineteen. Ian was 21. We joined together.” Jamie tapped a finger on the glass of the framed photo. “Basra. Our combat brigade was one of the many that was sent out that spring. Ian and I were some of the lucky few that returned.” 

“I’m sorry, Jamie I didn’t know…” 

“Ye weren’t meant to, Claire. I don’t tell many people. But I wanted you to see this. I look at it every day as a reminder I’m still here.” Jamie pointed to a smiling soldier on the left of his younger face. “Peter Cochran, 24, he was from Atlanta. Wife and first child on the way. He never made it home.” 

Jamie turned me around to face himself. 

“Claire. I don’t tell you to make you sorry for me, but to tell you that I know what it means to be broken. I came home with a back full of shrapnel and I’m still here.” 

“How,” my voice broke a little and his face swam in the tears gathering in my eyes. “How do you keep going every day?” 

Jamie kissed my hands in his. “I used to find little reasons to keep me here, maybe the sun streaming in through a window. Maybe the sound of a bird outside looking for another worm. Anything at all to keep me grounded here. That’s what I  _ used _ to do.” 

  
  


“And now?” 

“Now,” Jamie looked directly into my eyes, wiping my tears away with his thumbs. His hands on my cheeks. “Now I have you. Your boy. Us. You’ve made me feel whole again, Claire. It’s how I know for certain that one day you’ll be whole again as well.” 

He embraced me softly, swaying with me slightly in front of the picture. I rested my head against his chest as we both looked upon it again. I admired the new aspect of Jamie and beheld the young boy that was only a child, in a too-big helmet facing horrors I couldn’t imagine. 

I wondered if my eyes looked just as haunted as his had been at nineteen. 

The ghosts of the horrors seen and unseen had brought us together, our shared traumas interlocking into a powerful bond that would always fuse our souls together in shared grief.

_ One day you’ll be whole again.  _

The promise of those words echoed in my heart’s blood as it kept beating. 


	19. Home

I always pictured Jamie’s sister as taller than me, but the woman in front of us in the door to a quaint townhome was a mere five feet. Rounder than Jamie, her face had a similar bone structure to his with the same cat-like slant to her blue eyes. Her loud voice trumpeted out to greet us and I had no doubt they were related after hearing it. 

“Come in, brother. Don’t keep them out in the cold! There’s my wee man!” 

Jenny stepped forward to scoop up Fergus who was delighted to see her again and held his arms out expectantly. 

“Claire, I’m so glad to see ye looking like you have color again.” Jenny put an arm around my neck and all but left Jamie on the doorstep as she ushered us inside. 

Jenny’s home was an endearing collection of blue china, quilts and shabby chic. If it wasn’t for the touches of youth and the wifi, I would have assumed a ninety year old woman lived there. Clearly very little of their gran had been parted with after her death. 

I was touched at how clean everything was, Jenny led us to an upstairs bedroom off the main hall. There was a small trundle bed under the twin daybed that was meant for me and Fergus to share. 

“It’s ‘no much but it’s yours as long as ye want it, love. I’ve no doubt Jamie’s already told ye that though.” Her accent was much thicker than Jamie’s and she held herself like a little bird, flitting from one area to the next constantly chirping out a new direction or question in Jamie’s direction. 

She eyed Claire over, “Those clothes must be awful, we’ll get ye settled and bring yer own things over soon. Until then… ye can have my things. Jamie didn’t tell me how tall ye were.” 

After a quarter of an hour, we were settled in for the night. Fergus washed and dressed cozily in one of Jenny’s old tee shirts. I was embarrassed that we were relying solely on the Fraser’s hospitality for everything. Jamie was telling Fergus a story involving a little wooden snake toy that was downstairs on Jenny’s coffee table. My son giggled loudly as it play-attacked him under the chin. Jenny made herself busy picking out clothes that might fit me in and out of her room and into our new space. 

“It’s perfect, thank you so much. I promise we’ll be out of your hair soon, just as soon as I’m able to get a job and…” I stammered, suddenly at a loss of what to say. 

The idea of getting back on my feet alone and without Frank was overwhelming. My resume was at least four years old and apart from acting gigs, I had no work to speak of to put on it. The tears started pouring out then, I sat down on the bed and put my face in my hands. 

“Wheesht, my dear. Ye’ve no need to think about that just now. One step at a time.” Jenny was next to me in a second, her blue eyes searching my face in concern. “Tomorrow we’ll get your car and you and Fergus can have the place to yerself while I work. We’ll figure it out together, love. Besides ye’ve got Jamie.” 

Jenny laughed suddenly, my tears had long-stopped. She looked at me sideways again. 

“He’s a maddening mess of a man I ken,” Jenny held her hands up in feign exasperation. I could see Jamie’s humor had clearly been a family trait. “But he loves deep. Ye’d be a fool not to ken that and hold onto it.” 

I wasn’t sure if it was meant as a comfort or a warning for me. Her jet-black eyebrows shot up, “It’s nine already, let me get the babe to bed. I’ll let Jamie say his goodnight.” 

At the tall glass door, Jamie paused to give me my phone back. 

“Forgotten I’d had that.” He lied. 

“I figured. Thanks for holding onto it.” 

“Claire,” Jamie paused. “I haven’t looked at much but ye’ve got a lot of messages. Not all of them nice, I’m afraid. Don’t feel like ye have to answer tonight. Or at all.” 

His accent was thicker after being with his sister and the brogue was as near to my heart as the two of them. He pressed his head to mine and kissed my forehead before walking down to his car. For a moment I felt truly alone even in the midst of such kindness. 

I didn’t want to be here, I wanted my own bed, my own things around me. I shuddered thinking of my last memories of the place. It was best I was here. 

Taking my Android in hand, I swiped up.

_ Shit.  _

There were at least ten messages from people I’d only spoken to once or twice since my marriage to Frank. Opening one out of interest, my heart sank as I saw the screenshot Frank had taken. 

_ In case Claire reaches out to any of you, she’s been having an affair for a few months now. Here’s the proof. _

Text after text, accusing me of being a bitch and much more. I couldn’t handle it, Jamie was right that they should go unanswered. 

I turned the phone off in disgust. I would be getting a new number tomorrow. 

…………………………………………….

The next morning, Jenny had dropped Fergus and I off at Jamie’s to get my car. Under the wiper was a note. 

_ Sassypants,  _

_ Sorry to have missed you. Back at the shop today working on an order with Ian, I’ll try to phone you later? Miss you.  _

I felt numb. Pulling out onto the road, I called Mr. Gowan on speaker. 

"I mean... it is YOUR residence, Claire. You're welcome to return to it at any time. I can assure you that Mr. Randall cannot enter it as he hasn't even been released to my knowledge. Now, I have some dates that may work for a hearing, tell me what you think..." 

.......................................................................................................................................................

Concluding my call, I found myself turning automatically down our street. My street. My body and muscle memory longing for my own place at last. It felt like a rude admission and a wave of guilt rose up in my chest. The Frasers had done so much for me, but this one thing I had to do for myself. 

Bringing a sense of normalcy back to Fergus was imperative. We had gone days without his routine, our schedule and both of us were worse for it. 

_Fuck you, Frank Randall. You can break me but you won't take this. I won't let you. ._

I turned the key over in the lock and pushed inside. 

Nothing had changed. Apart from Frank's suitcase in the living room there was nothing at all to suggest he had ever been home. 

Fergus ran into his own room and I smiled sadly as he bounced on his bed and eagerly went to playing with his own toys. He had missed this, too. 

Jumping into action, I furiously mopped and vacuumed. Nothing was spared on my rampage. Every single item Frank owned was taken off the walls or shoved into the coat closet. I removed every inch of him from my sight in an effort to cleanse my spirit of his touch, his hold on me. My mind raced with images of paint colors and new flooring, the prospect of remodeling the entire place until Frank's imprint was gone. 

After cleaning, I jumped in my own shower and washed off everything from the past few days. I shaved, did my entire skincare routine with my own serums and wrapped myself gently in my own plush robe. I was a woman made new. I had changed the sheets on the bed and put on another coverlet. Sitting down on the edge of the bed  I must’ve stared at the whitewashed walls for ten minutes before moving. Emotional exhaustion set in. 

“Ferg, honey?” I called out and walked down the hall to his room. I smiled at the sight of a chubby three year old passed out on top of his big boy bed. Closing the curtains quietly, I darkened the room and lay down as softly as I could. Within five minutes we were both sleeping soundly, my arms wrapped around him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's truly unique to be writing a hybrid of reality and fiction in this storyline. Sometimes I feel like I hit a brick wall as I write, not knowing how to proceed forward because the mundane truth of what actually happened seems boring and stiff on the page. 
> 
> I dread falling into the trap of telling readers what to think and feel versus showing them. It's the cheapest ploy of all writing to simply narrate past the necessary bits and move on. 
> 
> Claire's mental state and emotion mirrored my own at the time of my marriage ending and after my own abuse. My memory from that time is disjointed, the shock of my ex slandering me to all my friends and family left deep marks. There are no right or wrong answers as you begin to pick up the pieces of your life and decide how to move forward. As long as you keep moving forward.


	20. Epiphany

_ Basra. April 2008 _

The early morning sky was streaked with red, the haze of smoke covering the ground like a blanket of death, the air was thrilling with the acrid smell of burning metal. The smoke stung Jamie’s eyes as he ducked behind an abandoned car. The 1980’s Volvo was strangely out of place in the area near the slums on the outskirts of the city. No doubt the terror cell thought they would be safe in such an unassuming place, but they had overestimated their ability to disappear into the Iraqi bush. 

A car bomb had thrown the men from the tank forcing them on foot to cover the ground as the special ops were flown in. Most of them were young, not as young as the women and children fleeing the empty-looking houses in front of them. Jamie cringed as screams hit his ears from the house engulfed in flames on his left. He knew better than to think about the age of its occupants, if he was going to survive he needed to think about nothing else but his surroundings. Someone slipped into his side and put their back against the vehicle alongside him. 

“Look alive, Fraser. We’re not in Kansas anymore.” Peter’s dark skin almost blended in with the night but the whites of his teeth and eyes could be seen from a mile away.

It was a welcome sight, Jamie had been crawling on his belly finding cover for at least fifteen minutes without running into another soldier. He swallowed sharply and crossed himself. Thank God he wasn’t the only one left. 

“Ye scairt the shite clean out of me, Cochran.” 

Peter laughed softly. “Gots to let you know you’re still breathing, you Scottish motherfucker.” 

He shoulder nudged Jamie, just as happy to find someone to rely upon in the dark. 

Suddenly, bullets rained on the car from somewhere above. 

Returning fire from somewhere down below caught a rifleman on the rooftop of one of the houses. 

“Move. Move. Move.” A low voice hissed across the courtyard. 

The men broke cover and ran as fast as they could, bullets pelting in their footsteps. Jamie’s boots trampled both flowers and vegetables of some kind, they were in some sort of garden. 

Crouching low, Ian cut a dark figure against the dim lit skyline. 

Peter’s boot caught on something and he fell almost face-first into Ian. 

Jamie dropped down low again and sucked his breath in. The soldier’s face was burned and beaten in from the explosion but his name plate was legible on his helmet. 

“Christ Almighty.” Jamie exhaled. “Hooper.” 

A bright lad from Youngstown, Ohio, Trent had shared his water with Jamie just before the explosion. It made Jamie want to retch that the cold limp form in front of them was a lively 21 year old just an hour ago. 

Ian reached over the body and Jamie wondered what he was doing. Before he could speak, he felt the heavy clunk of a helmet over his head, he had forgotten that his own had come off in the explosion. 

“I can’t-” 

“You will.” Ian spoke sharply. “Won’t do him much good now.” 

_ God.  _

The helmet was still warm and wet with what must have been sweat. Or blood. In the dark Jamie couldn’t tell. Whatever it was ran down his eyebrow leaving a streak of liquid in the brown dust covering his skin. Peter covered Jamie’s back as they made a move to the target’s house. The thin threads of morning light trickled out into the blood-stained sky. 

…………………………………………………………………..

December 12th, 2016 

I was lucky to make it on time, dropping Fergus off for preschool that Monday morning, I anxiously fixed my hair in the car before going inside the school. 

My makeup concealed the dark circles under my eyes from where I hadn’t been sleeping well. I pushed all other thoughts out of my head and set my phone to silent. Jamie’s voicemail was unopened from last night. I felt a flash of guilt as I realized it had been a few days since I returned any of his texts either. It was hard to care when my waking moments were full of wading through stacks of paper Frank had left in a pile, pulling financial statements and affidavits for Ned as he built the final case for the divorce hearing. When I wasn’t on the phone with him, I was calling different providers moving everything to my name only. 

Nights were the worst, though. I had seen my general practitioner and he had put me on Trazodone, an antidepressant as well as a sleep aid. I told him everything about the sleepless nights to waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding. My body shook each night as I woke to the familiar noises of the pipes or the tapping of the oak tree against the windows out back. 

I hadn’t been eating well, mainly surviving off of Fergus’s leftovers, I hardly cooked for myself as the stress made me want to immediately throw up anything I ate. My face was thin in the car mirror as I smoothed down some flyaway dark waves and went inside. 

………………………………………………………………………………….

“Ms. Beauchamp, Mr. Wotring will see you now.” 

The school secretary looked over her desk politely nodding to the hall next to her. Nervously, I straightened up my dress slacks and walked down to the large doorway on the left. 

“Fergus’s mom, right?” The large man behind the desk gestured to the chair in front of his desk. “Please take a seat.” 

Even though I was a woman of twenty-six years, I was admittedly nervous to sit in the principal’s office once more. 

“What can I do for you? I see here,” The big, burly man reminded me of a walrus. His salt-and-pepper moustache lay heavily on his upper lip and his large black-framed glasses were set high over his rather small and close-set eyes. 

He continued, “From your email this morning, I see here you’re looking for employment?” 

“Yes,” I spoke up. “Before Fergus I thought maybe someday I’d go back for my teaching license. As you know, Fergus’s needs don’t necessarily allow me to have another job at the moment. I thought maybe if we had the same schedule…” 

I trailed off, Mr. Wotring’s wide face became soft as he smiled. A rare occurrence. 

“Just so happens, we need a building sub for the new year. It’s temp to hire, but if you do well we would look at signing you on with the district. I’ll not lie to you, Mrs. Randall. It’s a tough job. You’d be substituting cross-categorically. We’ve had some trouble keeping someone for the position due to how tough some of the older grades are. Damned sixth graders.” 

He winked at me but his tone was regretful. As much as it seemed to him that he was throwing me to the wolves, my heart soared with the hope the position offered. 

“I’ll take it.” 

And just like that, I was employed. If the sixth graders thought they could run me off like the others they had another surprise coming. I was too desperate to let anything make me quit. It had to work, it was going to work.

Determination set my heart on fire as I shook the principal’s hand and wrote down the dates and times they would have me come for training and shadowing some of the teachers. 

……………………………………………………………..

Isolation was my friend as I shut myself off from the outside world. Upon arriving home, I entered in the keypad on my new alarm system to disengage the annoying beep that resounded through my quiet home. 

I still had a few hours before picking up Fergus from school. Instead of my usual return to the piles of legal affidavits Ned had sent for me to sign, I lay down on my couch and stared at the ceiling. The cold, gray light of winter at noon reflected meekly from the blinds facing the front street. 

The quiet was overwhelming without Fergus at home, stone-cold silence pressed against me on all sides with the sheer weight of loneliness. Suddenly, my eyes sprang open. There was a soft knock coming from my door. Hesitant, but otherwise there echoing into the silence of the space. 

My heart pounded as I peered between the blinds at my front stoop. 

_ Jamie.  _

Coat pulled up around his throat, he wore a navy blue beanie on his head and his russet waves were peeking out from under it. I half-wanted to run and hide. What must he think of me? 

_ Stop it, Claire. You have to face him sometime.  _

I couldn’t explain the fear in my heart as I opened the door a crack. Full of deep shame from ghosting him, I had trouble meeting his gaze. 

“Hey.” I said weakly. 

Jamie nodded, his blue eyes looking at me earnestly, the hurt was written all over his face. It was one thing to ignore the fact that I was indeed causing him pain by my sudden pulling away. But facing him… my heart broke. 

Seeing me, he cleared his throat and exhaled sharply. Hurt was suddenly replaced by anger as he stood to his full height. Turning away from me, he shuffled his large frame uncomfortably. 

“Claire. You’re alright, then?” 

I nodded, looking down at the red brick under his feet. He wore dark Nike trainers and they were worn down slightly on the tips from constant use. 

“Well then, I’ll be off. I just wanted to…” 

I glanced back up at him cautiously. He was biting his lip in annoyance and holding back. 

“To see you were safe. That’s all. And Fergus?” 

“School. He’s fine.” I replied. 

“Aye.” 

Tension hung between us as much as the pain of holding back. 

Jamie turned on his heel and took a step off my front stoop. 

I ached to watch him step away. 

After a moment, he turned back quickly. 

“Ye don’t owe me anything, Claire. But have ye not thought to return any of my messages? I was sick with worry, Jenny herself wanted to come today but I told her not to. It’s alright if you need space but to not even give us a word-” 

He wasn’t afraid of confronting me and my eyes filled with tears. 

“I’m sorry, I-” 

I stopped talking as I saw Jamie’s own eyes glisten slightly. 

He pursed his lips together before he spoke. 

“When I said I loved you, I meant it, Claire.” 

My nose prickled as the lump grew in my throat. 

“Do you not want me anymore?” Jamie’s voice broke slightly. 

“Of course, I do.” My shoulders were racked with a sudden sob that escaped from my lips. “But you’re better off without me- I … I can’t take you down with me.” 

Jamie looked at me incredulously, his brow furrowed in sudden disbelief. 

Like a dam that broke, the words came spilling out of my mouth, my own excuses for not reaching out sounded terrible as they fell from my lips for the first time.

“My reputation has never been worse, Frank saw to that. I can’t do that to you, to have you being talked of in that way. I won’t allow it. Ever since… ever since he used me, I can’t… I’m not sleeping, I’m hardly able to function. Jamie, it just wouldn’t work. You’re so kind and good and pure and I… I talk shit constantly, I don’t even know if I believe in your God… I’m mean and rude and I would hurt you and you would only be hurt by being with me and-” 

He crossed the space between us in two steps and kissed me. His right hand in my hair and his other on my back drawing me to him. My mind went blank and my words failed me as I betrayed everything I just said to discourage him by kissing him back. 

I had been terrified to be around this man, in his presence my control disappeared and control was all I had to keep myself safe. His stalwart attention to me made me feel small and unworthy of it all. The mess of my body and soul was set aside as I felt alive again in that moment. 

I cursed myself for keeping this sacred thing between us at bay due to my own pride. 

I grabbed his hand and tugged him inside with me. He followed wordlessly, closing the door behind us. 

The time I had spent awake at night, wondering how I would ever feel if a man touched me again was needless worry. I caved happily into the sensation of his body close to mine. Jamie kissed me with both joy and reckless abandon, all was forgiven in the scramble of want for the other. My teeth hit his and for a moment, I grabbed my mouth chuckling softly at our clumsiness. 

Jamie smiled.

“Christ, you drive me mad, woman. Do you really think my love for you is that fragile?” 

I flushed madly, embarrassed at the false rumors I had started in my own mind after not seeing him for several days. 

“I don’t ever want to be apart from you.” I looked into his eyes, pleadingly. 

“Then don’t be.” Jamie said simply, wrapping his hands around my waist he hoisted me up around him. 

Wordlessly, I wrapped my legs around his hips as he held me to him, his strong arms supporting my back, running his hands down my hair and lower back. 

Jamie let out a soft moan as I kissed him fully, playfully biting his lower lip as I did so. He took a step and set me down gently onto the couch, falling on top of me with an awkward clumsiness that I found utterly endearing. We were drunk on each other and my ears were ringing with the sound of blood rushing to my face and throbbing past my throat as he kissed me gently on my collar bone, his hands tangled in my hair. 

My fingers rushed to his waist and I began pulling at the leather belt I found there, trying to find the buckle in desperation. My desire only heightened as I felt him just as ready as I was. 

“Claire,” Jamie’s voice was slightly strangled as he hissed into my ear. I bit his neck softly. 

“I don’t…. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

I growled in actual anger. He was right. Of course he read the discharge papers. I flushed as I sat up slowly and he pulled away from me. 

Grabbing a pillow on the couch, I put it over my face and held it there for a moment. I couldn’t look into his eyes as they were, soft with wanting me, and not give into my own urges.

“Fucking hell.” I cursed into the depths of the cushion. 

My IUD had come loose in the assault and as a precaution, my doctors wanted me to have a period and heal before attempting another form of birth control. Not only that, but I was still bruised internally and would likely take another week or two to heal. He was right. We had to stop. 

I felt a small tremor of anticipation down my spine realizing that it wouldn’t be long before Jamie and I could be together in every way possible. 

He realized the same thing, his face now-red in the afternoon light. 

I slid under his arm and wrapped my own arms around his torso and we sat there in the quiet for a few minutes. 

“Think Jenny will forgive me for being a butt?” I said suddenly. 

Jamie laughed, “Only if you come to her Christmas party bearing Jameson’s and Hershey kisses.” 

I smiled, “Really?” 

“Oh absolutely, she loves you, Claire. She told me that if you wouldn’t come she would find you and drag you there herself.” 

I laughed at the image of the small woman dragging me out of my house by the hair. 

“I suppose I have no choice but to go then, when is it?” 

“Saturday. Ye can bring Fergus if you’d like. She and Ian’s friends will be there with their own wee ones. I’m sure he’ll have a good time.” 

Jamie paused, his brow creasing slightly again. 

“I’ve one thing to ask ye, Sassypants. Before I let ye come.” 

“Oh?” I tried sounding casual but my heart was in my throat beating quickly again. 

“Aye.” Apparently nerves also triggered a thicker accent in Jamie. 

“I’d love for ye to come as my girlfriend, Claire. If ye wouldn’t mind.” 

His eyes were soft in the daylight, jaw twitching nervously as he waited for my answer. He was beautiful and exceptionally vulnerable as he lay his whole heart out in front of me. 

“I wouldn’t mind,” I said softly. 

Our mouths met again and this time, I could feel him smile into our kiss as we melted into each other’s embrace once more.

That moment is forever seared into my mind, the epiphany of the fact that my life was no longer my own but entwined with his, now and forever. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I smiled a lot as I wrote this chapter, I hope it brings you all as much joy as it brings me to see the two of them together! 
> 
> Also chapter 20 already and only kisses so far? Good lort. Someone get these two a room stat. I wasn't kidding when I thought this would be a slow burn.
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always! I'm blessed and incredibly thankful to have such sweet readers xx Much love


	21. 'Tis the Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Christmas party turns sour when Claire experiences a trigger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger warning 
> 
> PTSD discussion of past trauma, possible ED trigger

I knew exactly what I was doing. I had taken the awful shoulder pads out of the red dress I wore in the show and had taken it in a bit, it was a project to fill the lonely nights when I couldn’t sleep. I had dropped a considerable amount of weight since we performed, mainly due to stress and lack of self-care. I had stopped eating full meals due to worry over my lack of income. I finished Fergus's leftovers but that was about it apart from the occasional cup of soup I heated up for myself. He would go fed, I would make sure of that. Fergus would not need to know how dire things got if I had any say in it. 

Funny, how people comment and compliment weight loss when they have no idea if it’s truly healthy.

Frank always made comments about how he missed my figure in my modeling days before Fergus. Well, I was getting it back and not for him. For survival. My figure was a testimony of what I had been through at his hands and what it meant to be free again. He wouldn’t recognize the new me, not that he would get to see it. 

I heard rumors he was already out and living with his co-worker, Eliza-something. A quick Facebook search drew in disgust from me and Geillis one afternoon as we were hanging out at her place while Fergus was at school. 

“The term “daddy issues” comes to mind.” Geillis had cackled. 

Her profile pictures were somehow nothing other than boudoir shots of a heavily made-up 22 year old that had no upper lip to speak of. 

“Slutty Cabbage Patch kid comes to mind.” I snorted. 

“Great value girlfriend.” Geillis chimed in. 

We lost it and cheered to the fact Frank was her problem now. 

I was ashamed how good it felt to woman-shame and blame when in reality she was his new victim. 

My mind wandered over all of it, replaying the scene in my head. Suddenly, I pricked myself on the needle of the sewing in front of me that night. 

  
  


Nothing good ever comes of red dresses and I had known exactly what I was doing. 

  
  


…………………………………………………………………….

December 17th, Saturday night 6 pm 

“Fergus honey, socks!” I called out into the hall. 

The patter of his flat-footed feet came slapping down the wood floor. I chuckled and took one more look at myself in the mirror. 

I hardly recognized myself. 

The woman standing before me in the red dress and black heels looked nothing like the girl who auditioned for the show in September. The beautiful wrecking of all my life’s plans led to a discovery of myself I didn’t know I had in me. 

In the shadows of the rubble, I found myself humming again as I showered. Putting on lipstick with reckless abandon to who would approve or disapprove, I loved myself more than Frank ever did and it was a relationship I was eager to pursue. 

Arriving at Jenny’s place just on time, I held Fergus’s hand in my left and a gift bag of Jameson’s packed in with Hershey Kisses as promised. Before I could knock, the door was opened and I could tell Jamie had been waiting for us like an eager puppy. 

I could hear the happy voices of the others from the kitchen as the smell of mulled cider hit my nose. As Jamie took my wool coat, revealing my dress, I could sense him freeze with his hands brushing my shoulders. 

“Sassypants, you shouldn’t have worn that if you want me to be able to focus tonight.” His voice was imploring as he hissed into my ear. 

“Tis the season.” I said simply, I turned around and gently grabbed his chin, kissing the stubble on his cheek. 

Jamie pulled me in mischievously, his hands on my hips over the red satin, his lips caressing my bare neck where I had pulled my dark hair into a wavy side ponytail. 

Grinning, he pulled me into the darkness of the tiny foyer to leave me breathless from the feeling of his lips on my own. 

……………………………………………………

  
  


It was the happiest Jamie had been. They all knew it. Jenny hid a laugh as he came into the kitchen with Claire in tow, traces of red lipsticks still on the side of his mouth near his birthmark. 

He felt his heart soar as he watched his sister generously embrace Claire and Fergus as her own kin. Jenny had always been stand-offish towards his other girlfriends, even going as far as to call his last one a ‘trollop’. 

But now, he watched as Jenny had Claire bustling around the kitchen, helping with this or that, setting up the table for the white elephant gift exchange. Both of them thick as thieves and glancing over to him as Ian tried to converse with him. The only thing on Jamie’s mind was Claire. 

She was slowly coming alive before him. If he had caught his breath when they met, he was now fairly drunk in her presence, soaking in her beauty and the fire in her soul. He was obsessed with seeing her happy and couldn’t look away as she joked, ate, drank and laughed with his family. It was as if she’d always been there. 

Claire and her son had come into his life with as much brilliance as a shooting star. The warmth of their love had filled him with hopes and dreams of the future. He blushed as he watched Claire scoop up Fergus into her arms and tickle him on the couch while Jenny and Ian had started an impromptu game of holiday charades. She looked so content with a babe in her arms, maybe someday… 

The voices of those guessing rang out with many humorous guesses as the night went on. 

“An apoplectic chicken!” Jenny yelled. 

“No!” Ian looked defeated. “A partridge in a pear tree. Honestly, babe.” 

Jamie chuckled. 

It was Claire’s turn. Shyly she cleared her voice after taking a slip of paper from the old teapot they were passing around. Jamie thought her face wrinkled slightly as she glimpsed the container they were using for the game, but he thought no more of it as she quickly smiled again. 

Standing in the middle of the room on Jenny’s red oriental carpet, Claire motioned to Fergus and looked around with a quizzical look on her face as if to ask the company something important. 

It took everyone a while but after multiple yells of nothing but wrong answers, they finally gave up. 

“What Child is This? The carol. Damn.” Claire smiled. 

Jamie had noticed that with each yell her brown eyes became a little more distant than usual. Her smile at the end seemed forced and her fingers twitched as her arms hung at her sides. 

He knew it all too well, amid laughs and as the others got up for their turn. Jamie grabbed her hand and gently led her back to the kitchen before anyone noticed. 

“Hey.” He looked at her carefully. “You alright?” 

Claire avoided looking at him but she knew it was hopeless to hide anything from him. He had read her face as if it were his own and her truth was showing all over it. 

“Well, no…. I know they were yelling… all happy things…. But ….. I don’t know,” Claire began haltingly, her eyes filling up with hot tears as she tried to look away. “And the teapot I just….” 

Her breathing became steadily more labored and she bit at her lip in agitation. 

“Hey,” Jamie said gently, “hey now. It’s okay. Why don’t I ask Jenny to keep an eye on Fergus for a moment, we’ll step outside ok?” 

Claire nodded tearfully. “Oh I don’t want to be rude…. Do you think-” 

Jamie cut her off, “Don’t worry about it, love. It’s perfectly alright. What matters is you’re okay.” 

Disappearing momentarily, he came back into the kitchen with his sherpa jacket and Claire’s navy wool coat under his arm. He slipped it around her shoulders as she was still breathing raggedly and gently put a hand on her back, escorting her out the side door and into Jenny’s small courtyard behind the townhome. 

Claire gasped as the icy December air hit her face. Her fingers clutched Jamie’s arm as she struggled to breathe in fully. 

“Wrong day to wear satin,” Claire chuckled darkly. “Fabric doesn’t breathe.” 

Jamie gave her the once-over look and smirked. 

“Well, I would help ye out of it no questions asked but I doubt Jenny would approve of such an event at her Christmas party.” 

Claire laughed, a genuine one. 

“No, no I don’t think she would.” 

“Heaven almighty. James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. How dare ye bring yer wild shenanigans into my courtyard and there be babes running around, too!” Jamie’s voice was high, mocking Jenny’s lilt. 

Claire cackled, snorting at the end. 

“Jesus, I’m a hot mess. I’m sorry, Jamie I didn’t mean to totally fall apart just now, I don’t know….” 

Jamie crossed to her slowly and wrapped his arms around her, he searched her face in the dark making sure she wasn’t cringing at his touch. She wasn’t, in fact, it seemed to help. 

“You should see someone, Claire. I know it’s hard to talk about, but I really do think the attack left you with mental scars, too.” Jamie said gingerly. “There’s no shame in admitting it. PTSD is a horrible thing.” 

Claire nodded, looking over his shoulder and up at the sky trying desperately to blink her tears away. 

“I know…. I do. I feel like if I admit how truly fucked up I am, they’ll never let me out.” 

Jamie smiled darkly, his eyes went a steely gray as he pulled back to look at her. 

“Aye, but they will. Eventually. When I got back from my tour, I had to spend a couple days inpatient at the veteran’s hospital in the city.” 

“Why?” Claire asked before she could think. 

“Ian and I shared our flat at the time and one night, he walked by my room to the kitchen for a glass of water. I woke up and all but leapt out of bed to grab him in a chokehold from behind. Luckily I snapped out of it but he almost passed out. It was terrifying,” Jamie cleared his throat, his voice thick with the memory of it. “The images, they wouldn’t leave. Not a night passed when I didn’t see their faces, twisted and burned, singed hair and lips curled in a melted smile as the fire licked their flesh off their bones-” 

He stopped suddenly, Claire held him tighter against her. Whispering in his ear. 

“I’m so sorry, babe.” 

Jamie held her for a moment, wordlessly. 

“It takes a strong person to admit they’re broken, now ye don’t have to tell me anything but I’m here if ye want to talk of it.” 

Claire sighed, “I should, but not here. My car?” 

A moment later, she retrieved her Subaru keys out of her coat pocket and the pair went around the garden gate to the side where Claire’s car was parked near the street. Shutting the door behind them, they got into the front seats and Claire set her seat back, looking distantly up through her moonroof. Jamie did likewise, he hadn’t seen such a large window in the top of a vehicle before but it gave a clear view of the dark Boston sky. As they sat in silence, the warmth from their breath in the cold fogged up the window ever so slightly. Claire reached up a hand to trace a spiral into the condensation above. 

Jamie listened, not speaking, not moving as she spilled the details of that fateful night. It was hell for him to sit there and check his own emotions at her painful admissions. She left no detail out, in a low voice she told him of Frank’s yelling and hitting her leading up to a small black teapot she had watched. 

He caught his breath as she finished with her memory of his name, repeated in her head until she couldn’t keep her eyes open and gave into the drug Frank had given her. 

“Claire,” Jamie’s hand found hers and he turned to look at her sideways. She kept her head still and looked directly up through the window at the clouds and stars above them. 

“I’m sorry I failed you.” 

Claire snapped back into the moment, her whiskey eyes lighting up in the dim light of the streetlamps down the lane. 

“You didn’t fail me, Jamie. I don’t think anyone could have stopped it, besides there’s no one to blame but Frank Randall himself.” 

He could feel the goosebumps raise on his neck even hearing her say the name of the man who hurt her. 

“Ned said our first court date will be right after Christmas. It should solidify custody as well as move it forward with what else they need from Frank if he hasn’t been subpoenaed for more disclosure documents by then.” 

Her voice was matter-of-fact, but Claire’s small fingers shook slightly in his hands. 

Above her, Claire had drawn a stick figure without a face. Jamie reached up and used his pointer finger to draw another, taller one next to it. 

“There’s two of us now, Claire. I promised you that. We’ll take whatever he throws our way.” 

Claire hoped he was right. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	22. Holiday Visitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank pushes for court ordered visitation on Christmas Eve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW 
> 
> Brief mention of past assault.

People disappear all the time. Some on purpose, others by accident, nearly all of them are found after days, weeks or months. And yet, the select few are never seen from again. 

I had thought a lot about disappearance and the act of going off-grid entirely since my separation from Frank. In fact, it was easy to ignore the fact of the matter that our divorce was imminent and very real. The threat of him loomed over me like a dark shadow in the days leading up to Christmas, but none more than one morning when my phone buzzed on the counter next to the coffee pot. I had barely taken my first sip before I heard Ned’s voice on the other end of the line. In our many conversations, I was able to tell when he was anxious. It was rare, but when he was, his voice was slightly higher than usual. His voice was an octave higher this morning. 

“Wait, wait, slow down. He wants what?!” I sputtered, my brain still foggy without my customary two-cup threshold for normal conversation. 

His words hit me like daggers as I clanked my mug down on the counter and grabbed the edge of the granite tightly. 

“Mr. Randall’s attorney reached out to me, he would like to exercise his visitation time with Fergus over the holiday. Technically, he gets the boy for the week up to Christmas and he’d like to visit with Fergus on Christmas Eve. It would be supervised of course, but seeing as there’s no proof that he’s ever hurt the boy, Claire, it doesn’t look like we can stop it from happening.” 

“There must be a mistake.” I said stone-cold in my heart. “Fergus isn’t going to Franks.” 

“You’ll be in contempt of court if he doesn’t.” Ned’s voice was soft as he replied. 

“What’s that?” I bit the words, my heart was just starting to beat again after the realization hit me like ice water to my soul. 

“Claire, I’ll be honest with you. As much as I dislike the idea, it’s one we have to go along with right now. Now Frank has no custodial rights but that’s a far cry different than visitation. I’m afraid visitation is almost certainly going to happen unless child abuse can be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.” 

“He raped me.” 

A pause. 

“Yes, I understand that. And it won’t go well for him when we do go to trial shortly, but we can’t have you in contempt of the court schedule of holiday visitation. Now I’ve looked into it and we can assign a guardian to the boy, someone that I know-” 

Ned went on, trying his best to reassure me. My heart screamed and cried as I stood as still as a statue. Somehow I ended the conversation. 

I had heard of this happening, to other women. Other families. But now it was me. Even though I had secured a protection order for myself, without proof of him ever hurting Fergus I was powerless to stop this from happening. 

I tried to stop my hands from shaking as I made another phone call. 

“Jamie…” my voice trembled as I told him the news. 

“Damnit to hell.” Jamie spat out on the other end. “I swear if he so much as touches the lad…” 

“Jamie, I can’t…. I can’t do this. He can’t go…” My voice broke as my chest heaved with soft sobs at the words coming out of my mouth. 

“Dinna fash, Claire. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” His voice was urgent. 

In ten minutes, he was at the door. Hair wet from his shower. I gulped at the sight of him. Even with tears welling up in my eyes looking the most unattractive, his effortless beauty overwhelmed me. I would never get used to it. 

Jamie scooped me up and moved me to my room to talk. Fergus was still asleep. 

I sat on the bed with my coffee numbly in my hands, looking at him in despair. In emotional agony, I told him what Ned had discussed with me. 

“And contempt? What can that do for your case, Claire?” Jamie paced the foot of my bed and ran his hands through his hair as it dried. 

“It’s not looked on highly, that’s for certain. Basically I’d be fined and have more court dates, Frank could choose to prosecute me for not following the schedule.” I admitted. “And he will. I know he will, Jamie. This is exactly what I thought he would do, I just never thought it would include Fergus….” 

“Aye,” Jamie nodded, his brow furrowed. “I don’t care for the plan at all, Claire. But it does appear we must. We can’t have you lose the big fight over this, that would be no good at all.” 

Fresh tears poured out of my red eyes and I heard one ‘plunk’ into my mug. 

“But ye won’t be alone. I’ll go with ye both. Before and after. He’ll know better than to touch the boy, Claire, I promise ye that.” Jamie slipped into a stronger accent as his fury showed through. I had caught glimmers of the hardened Jamie before and it scared me a little. 

There were several things I knew for sure. 

Jamie wasn’t about to let anything happen to Fergus. 

We both had little power over the court’s push for father’s visitation rights. 

Sharing my heart, my child, with that man was the most painful thing I was ever going to experience. 

……………………………………………………………………

We filled the days with as much joy as we could muster. One night, we took Fergus around to look at Christmas lights in the car in pj’s with cookies and hot cocoa. The next night was Christmas movie night, story time took a special place in my heart as Jamie almost always visited us after work and took over that role for me. 

With Fergus out of school for the holidays and my job starting soon after the new year, it was nice to have even a fifteen minute break where I could breathe and do any number of things I hadn’t done that day. 

But often, I would sit and stare at them. My two men, my whole world was on that couch reading and enacting some of the most ridiculous stories children’s books had to offer. Fergus had grown so much since meeting Jamie, now he was trying to speak more and more each day, reciting some of the lines from the books from memory. My child had flourished under Jamie’s attention and made me only love him more. 

Christmas Eve dawned bright and sunny with the hint of snow clouds on the horizon. I paced the house nervously at 10:07 that morning. He should be here by now. I let out a sigh of relief as I heard Jamie’s car pull up. It was nearly time to take Fergus over to Frank’s new place and I was terrified at the prospect. 

  
  


I gripped Jamie’s hand as he drove us in my car to the address Ned had shared with me as Frank’s new one, no doubt his coworker’s home. The court-appointed observer for the visitation would meet us there, a lady named Margaret. Nervously, we pulled up to a small but nice apartment complex on the west side of Boston. Margaret was an older woman of about fifty, her gray hair was tied up in a low bun and she had a kind look about her. 

“Hi, Fergus!” She knelt down to speak to him on his level. “I’m Margaret, is it okay if I hang out with you and Daddy for a while?” 

Fergus looked from me to her and back again, finally he nodded. 

Margaret touched my arm lightly, her deep brown eyes looked into my own which were full of fear. I felt paralyzed as my hand gripped Jamies. 

“I’ll take good care of him, Mama. He’ll be back to you at 5 o’clock sharp.” She winked at Jamie, “Look after her.” 

Jamie nodded and cleared his throat saying goodbye to Fergus as he gladly ran off with Margaret in tow. 

Frank opened the door to the apartment, the black door swung open and in the background I saw not only him but a woman I barely recognized as Eliza, his coworker. Her hair was pulled in a high ponytail and I saw her silhouette as she scurried out of the way of the door so I wouldn’t see her. I burned with anger as Jamie held my hand and led me away as I heard Fergus cheerfully greeting his father and Frank’s loud voice performing niceties with Margaret. 

…………………………………………………………….

I was especially quiet on the way home, my heart aching with each mile we put between us and my son. It was just a day, an afternoon really. I knew it would be safe for Fergus but my heart still screamed out in pain against him having any contact with his father. 

I felt betrayed by the law that had protected us thus far. Apprehensive of the future outcome of the hearing after the holidays. However would I rest knowing Fergus wasn’t with me. 

Jamie’s face was dark and sullen as we jangled the keys in my lock and settled into my condo, shoes kicked off and coats hung on the rack near the door. 

“Jamie.” I whispered, reaching my hand out to him. I couldn’t move past the entryway. 

He held me silently while I sobbed into his chest and tried his best to comfort me. His kisses were hot in my hair as his words attempted to soothe me. 

“My love, we get him home soon, dinna fash.” 

I blinked up at him, realizing he was missing Fergus as well. 

Jamie led me to my room and wrapped me up in the blankets on my bed. 

“What are you doing?” I called after him as he bustled around my kitchen. 

“Well I was hoping,” Jamie replied amid the clinks of mugs in the cupboard. “That I could take ye on a date, but given the circumstances, I mean to get your mind off things here.” 

He soon reappeared with two mugs of hot cocoa and my laptop the school had given me for work that was on the kitchen table. 

As he queued up The Holiday on Netflix, I snuggled into his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It elevated slightly with my head on it. Closing my eyes, I smiled and for the first time that day I felt truly safe. 

Jamie wrapped his tan-sweater arms around me and I breathed in his smell. A hint of sweat near his collar no doubt from the stress of the morning, a light scent of soap and pine that brought with it a sense of comfort and familiarity I had grown to yearn since we’d met. 

Sometimes I could cry from his sweetness towards me, I cleared my throat slightly. 

“You alright, Sassypants?” Jamie’s scruff brushed my forehead as he moved to look down at me still on his chest. 

I nodded. 

I couldn’t say anything, at least nothing that wouldn’t sound too idiotic or sappy. 

I was in awe of how he had become my entire world since we met, he and Fergus were my joy and my strength. I couldn’t imagine life without them. 

I had never known true care or tenderness before Jamie. It choked me up with the feeling of intense gratitude and admiration. 

“Why haven’t you made a move on me?” I said suddenly, my face searching his. 

Jamie gave a quick laugh that died on his lips when he saw I was serious. 

“I’m in no rush, Claire. Besides I’m not really into trying to make a move on a woman who’s been crying…” 

I opened my mouth in protest and then shut it again. Of course I’d been crying or upset 80% of the time since we’d met. 

Jamie’s voice was softer and a tad deeper, it rumbled in my ear as I laid my head on his chest again. 

“You’re mine, Claire. I’ll have ye in any way I can. I want you to be comfortable with anything new between us though, do ye understand that? I’ll not do anything unless you’re alright with it.” 

I looked up into his precious ocean eyes and nearly got lost there in the waves of his consciousness. 

I swallowed hard. Funny to hear all that coming from a virgin, but I was taken aback and turned on slightly by just how open and honest his admission was. 

Consent was incredibly arousing to me. I had never had a man, any man, ask me what I was comfortable with before. The quiet restraint he showed with me wasn’t meek or mild, but hidden. A promise of something solid, and true, and … more. More than I could ever imagine. 

My mind went to the first time he kissed me behind The Ball. How sure his motions, how steady his hands were around my face. How perfectly he body molded to mine and how natural it felt to melt into him, and him into me as one. 

Jamie wasn’t a boy. His masculinity wasn’t overstated or cocky, but quiet, honorable and true. It was as steady as the tide coming in and out, new each day and the same every morning. His soul said, _I am here_ . My body answered in response, _as am I_. 

Together, we existed as a glimmer of gold in a moment of time. Suspended in the dark like a solidary light at sea, buoying up and down against the storm of my life. I clung to it like the lifeline it was. 

Throughout the movie, I moved slightly. Put my left leg over his next to mine. My arms around his neck, my head buried under his chin. I could hear when his pulse would quicken and beat slow again in response. 

Jamie’s hands, flat and strong, ran over my shoulders and my back as he held me to him. Lying there on top of his chest was incredibly peaceful and also intimate in the quiet moments of that winter afternoon. 

His fingers stroked my hair softly, twirling into it, playing with the way the ends curled around my face and ears. 

“What are you doing?” I chuckled softly after a while. 

“Admiring you,” Jamie said simply. 

“My hair?” 

“Aye.” 

“It’s just brown, I never thought it was anything to write home about.” I defended apologetically. 

“No it’s not. It’s deep chestnut, flecked with bits of gold, wisps of auburn here and there as well. It’s rich and soft and runs down your shoulders like a river, Claire. I’d get lost in it, if I could.” 

I blushed hard. Jamie took a wisp of hair, running his fingers to the end he brought it up to his lips and lightly caressed his mouth with it. 

Our eyes met as he dropped the strand of my hair. Blue depths met whiskey gold in a steady gaze of both admiration and want. My heart lurched in my chest, I leaned in to kiss him and he leaned his head to the side. Unfortunately we were both so quick to move that my nose clunked against his square jaw unbecomingly… albeit painfully for us both. 

“Ow.” 

I grabbed my nose but not before Jamie kissed it and chuckled heartily. 

“I’m all thumbs today, too. I’m sorry Sassypants, I’m a regular klutz.” 

“No, no,” I twisted into an upright position facing him dead on. “I love you, Jamie. I really do.” 

His eyes gleamed in the light of the late winter afternoon outside my bedroom windows. 

“I love you too, Claire.” 

He hesitated a second. 

“Is it alright if I kiss you?” His voice was in earnest. 

I nodded, “Please.” 

…………………………………………………..

God, how I longed to be cradled in his arms, my heartbeat against his. It was an intimacy we both needed in the cold, cruel reality the day had brought us both. Unlike our trist in my car that day a month ago, this was new. Our kisses were slow and meaningful, not rushed and hard. Not at first. There was no rush. No time restraint. No fear of anyone walking in on our newfound bliss. 

I lost track of all time in those precious minutes. Or hours. In reckless abandon we explored and caressed each other. Sitting on top of him, Jamie’s arms were around my waist and back. I finally touched his thick auburn waves, running my fingers over his scalp near his ears. I traced the small lines on the back of his neck down his shoulders, broad and wide under my grip. My fingers went into his shirt on his back and found the small, divots and scar lines from the shrapnel he had mentioned. It must have been quite an injury, even over his shirt I could feel his back was twisted and rough under my light touch. 

Jamie’s hands explored likewise. Going up under my sweater, his touch light and sensitive. Every so often he would pull out of a kiss to look at me, his eyes searching mine. 

“Is this alright?” 

“Yes,” I said breathlessly, I responded by pulling his head close to mine and kissing his neck tenderly. 

In a moment, Jamie pulled back again. I almost growled in annoyance. 

“Claire, are you crying?” His face searched mine once more. 

I wiped my face with my hands and did, in fact, find tears on my cheeks. 

“Yes,” I smiled. “Yes, but not sad tears. It feels good, Jamie. I feel good. You’re marvelous.” 

Jamie sputtered for a second, red-faced. Then grinned widely, finding renewed interest in running his fingers up my shirt and over the black lace of my demi bra. 

I was in heaven. As he gently laid me on my back and kissed my face and cheeks and neck I smiled with my eyes closed at the sudden joy of being touched. Wanted. Cared for. With a man who loved me and wanted nothing more but for me to find peace in his arms. 

The movie long-forgotten, we made out for an indefinite amount of time. Both feeling drunk and overwhelmed by the other. Our attraction and joy at being cherished by the other left us both with chests heaving and no sense of the time whatsoever. 

Jamie’s eyes sprang open suddenly. 

“Holy mother-” He looked at the clock. 

Twenty minutes til we got Fergus. I would start Christmas Eve dinner when we returned home. 

“Jamie.” I said as we lay for a moment next to each other, hands intertwined. 

“Hmm?” His eyes were closed but a warm flush was over his face of pure joy. 

“Spend Christmas with me?” I asked softly. 

“I intend to, Sassypants,” Jamie laughed. 

“I know that, but spend it all with me. Spend the night?” I looked at him pleadingly. 

I couldn’t stand much more of this. My legs were weak and made only more so by how badly I had wanted him that whole time. I wasn’t sure how I would walk comfortably and glancing down at him, I wasn’t sure how he would either. 

Jamie’s eyes grew larger for a moment as he looked at me, the reality of what I had said sinking into his awareness. 

“Are ye-?” Jamie nodded down quickly, his voice a question I understood. 

“I’m fine.” I reassured him. 

A bright red flush swept his features, his eyes bright blue against the rush of blood to his face. 

“I’d… love to. Are you okay with that?” 

I laughed, suddenly giddy at the prospect of having Jamie to wake up to on Christmas morning. 

“Yes, yes I’d like that very much.” 

Jamie kissed me solidly then, his mouth creasing into a smile as he did so. 

“Then I will.”

I sat up, my head spinning at all unholy thoughts of later that night. 

“Shoot, we have to run. Fergus.” 

“Aye,” Jamie laughed. “Let go get our boy, love. Something tells me that little fellow will be excited to get home.” 

…………………………………………………………………

We drove slightly over the speed limit the whole way there. I was grateful that only Margaret and Fergus came out to greet us. Fergus looked happy enough, he ran into my arms and I scooped him up and held him close. I breathed in his hair as if it were a rich perfume until I felt well again. My baby was safe. 

Thanking Margaret, we left to go home. 

In true Christmas fashion, the evening sky burst with a spattering of large, feather-like snowflakes as we turned onto the lane to home. My hand in Jamie’s, my eyes on Fergus’s rosy cheeks in the rearview mirror. 

I could get used to this life. 


	23. To Share a Man's Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Words that come from the heart are never spoken, they get caught in the throat and can only be read in one's eyes." 
> 
> -Jose Saramago

  
  


_4pm Christmas Eve, 2016_

I had begun to think the Christmas season would ever only bring the mundane. Things had never felt special with my old life, Frank was as bland about the holidays as a man could be, insisting on traditional hymns and readings leaving me yawning and pretending it was the hour and not his selection of entertainment that was soporific in its variety. 

This year, the echoes of Christmas songs surrounded my senses as they bounced off the walls from the Bluetooth sound bar in my kitchen. Joy bubbled up in the air like tiny bubbles in champagne glasses, clinging to the sides, soaring ever-upwards in search of celebratory release. 

The smells of apple cider and sweet, savory clover honey ham came wafting from my kitchen as I heard Jamie’s car pull into my drive again. He had run home for some things to spend the night with us. The thought of it made my face run hot the whole day. He had a smile on his face that wouldn’t leave and with the delicate clumsiness of a man too-big to be gentle but trying very hard to be, Jamie kissed my cheek before heading back to his place, the scruff from his chin nicking my ear as he did so sending shivers down my spine of anticipation. We shared a knowing look and his marine blue eyes glimmered with admiration. 

My heartbeat thrilled against my ribcage and I felt the familiar sick-sensation in my gut of pure adrenaline and excitement. During the time he was gone, I was filled with moments of pure terror. My mind raced with thoughts of what and what not to do, in preparation I took a quick shower and made sure I shaved my legs. 

_God, Claire, you’re being ridiculous. You’re not a school girl anymore._

I chastised myself as I primped and moisturized every inch of myself with my best hydrating creams. Life as an ex-model was rewarding, for one thing I had lots of high-end beauty products from different companies as payment for some shoots I had done for them. My skin, paler than ever, was firm and smooth as I was a harsh critic in the mirror. There was a dull ache in my heart as I hoped he would like what he saw in me. Admittedly, I felt ashamedly desperate for Jamie’s approval. It wasn’t an attractive feeling to think at all of my ex husband, but I thought back to Frank’s comments and snide remarks on my stretch marks and sagging skin from my pregnancy. 

_Enough, Beauchamp. Get it together._

……………………………………………..

  
  


Jamie stepped into his flat with Ian, his hand trembling slightly as he put his car keys down on the counter. 

Of course Ian was there to witness. 

“I’ll ask him, Jen. Hang on.” Ian put his red iphone down from his ear and looked sideways at Jamie trying to sneak in unnoticed to the hall. 

“Dude, Jenny wants to know for sure if you and Claire and the kid are still coming tomorrow for dinner.” 

Jamie nodded. “Aye, I- _we’ll_ be there.” 

Ian clicked his tongue and gave a thumbs up, returning to his fiance on the line. 

Jamie went to his room and breathed deeply in the quiet space, his peaceful gray walls seemed to watch him with interest. 

The Scot paced the room several times before pulling out his old tactical knapsack from the top of his closet. Placing it on the bed, he stared at it for a minute or two wondering what to pack. A change of clothes, a toothbrush, what else? 

A tee and gray sweatpants went in as well, folded up with precision. 

God, what was he doing? He had no idea what he would sleep in, usually resorting to a plain tee and boxers but at Claire’s…. Well, it was hardly appropriate if the child were to see him like that. Would she think him a prude? Lord only knows what she was thinking now. 

It suddenly hit him that he was packing up for Claire’s. To stay the night. A feeling of excitement and pure nausea hit him square in the stomach and the nerves caused him to slap his face and crack his knuckles with the anxiety of it all. 

“You okay, little bro?” 

_Shit_. 

Ian was watching with a bewildered expression of amusement on his face. 

“Aye, um, I think so…” Jamie’s voice trailed off and his face felt even hotter than it had before when Claire had suggested the arrangement. 

“Going somewhere?”

Ian leaned on the doorframe, both hands grabbing the outside as he playfully winked at Jamie. 

“Claire’s.” Jamie was sure his face would fairly burst into flames, his voice broke a little as he went on stammering. “I’ll be spending Christmas Eve with her and Fergus, but no worries. I’ll be back and we’ll go to Jenny’s in the afternoon.” 

Ian laughed, his giddiness calmed any fears Jamie had about being judged by his soon-to-be brother. 

“I’m not worried about you missing Jenny’s. I’ve a feeling she’d be more than happy to know your relationship has... er...progressed.” Ian stressed the last word pointedly, his lips twitching into a smile. 

“Really?” Jamie shot a look up in amazement. 

“Really.” Ian nodded, seriously this time. “She loves Claire, just now on the phone she was basically planning your wedding.” 

Jamie sputtered, “My what?!” 

Ian laughed again, the sound bouncing around the tiny flat. 

“Well I hardly think you’re the type to just bed a woman and not seriously be thinking long-term, amiright?” 

Jamie felt the hair on his neck stand up slightly in defense. “No! I mean, I would’na dream of ...without….. no!” 

Ian took two steps into the room and slammed Jamie so hard on the back the younger man almost coughed in surprise. 

“I’m over the moon, you two are perfect together.” 

Jamie hugged him hard and his sputtering turned to a thankful grin. He couldn’t stop smiling. 

“Now don’t do anything I wouldn’t do and for the love of God, lemme see what you’ve packed so you don’t embarrass yourself.” Ian reached up and ruffled Jamie’s auburn mess of curls. 

“Get the hell out!” Jamie laughed and gave him a shove out the door. 

……………………………………………………………

It was a Christmas Eve to remember, Fergus’s laughter filled my house in peals and refrains as Jamie ran around with him on his back like a horse. Stopping in and out of the kitchen to both help, steal bites and kisses. On the last annoying entry, I smacked the dish towel against Jamie’s hand reaching for yet another oatmeal and cinnamon cookie. 

“Stop! You’ll spoil dinner.” I giggled. 

“Then you shouldn’t be such a good cook, Sassypants.” Jamie chided me, mocking heartbreak as he helped set the table. 

Soon, we were holding hands while he prayed. I was touched by both the humility shown in his words and leadership. 

“... and thank you. For the family we have together today, may we be together for many more days to come. Amen.” 

I blushed and Jamie beamed at me from across the small table. Fergus all but plowed through his mashed potatoes like a plow into a bank of snow that would soon be falling all over Boston by the look of the night sky. 

I made popcorn and hot cocoa after dinner while Jamie lit us a fire in the hearth. Soon, it was time for books and bed and I read Fergus “The Night Before Christmas” with Jamie sitting next to me on the left and Fergus’s curly mop of dark hair tickling my cheek on the right as he cuddled close. 

I squished Fergus’s warm body as his under-eye area became red with the familiar tinge of sleepiness. For a while, I rocked him in the cream glider near the fireplace while Jamie had classical Christmas songs playing on his phone. The light of the fire danced upon the ceiling, showing the cracks and hairline fractures of the ancient plaster above. Eventually, I felt Fergus’s head plop on my chest signaling the boy was fast asleep. 

I looked up to see Jamie looking tenderly at us both from his comfortable seat on the couch next to us. The blue of his eyes looked navy as his pupils dilated in the shadows, the light from the fire illuminating his face from one side. 

“Let me.” 

Jamie slipped his arms around and under Fergus, gently picking him up. Together we went to his room and laid the child down gingerly as not to wake him. I turned on his spaceship nightlight and closed the door softly behind us as we tiptoed into the hall. 

A small sigh escaped my lips as I felt the ‘click’ of the handle shut the door entirely. Jamie was behind me and came close, softly kissing my neck. He had freshly shorn down his stubble defining his square jaw and the smell of pine and cedar aftershave filled my senses. His strong, tanned fingers touched my waist lightly, cautiously. Kissing my ear gently, I could feel his breath catch and exhale hotly leaving goosebumps down my arms from the sensation of having him so close to me. 

Jamie ran his long fingers down my shoulder and wrist and took my hand to his mouth again, his lips brushing my palm. He looked up slowly, his eyes meeting mine. Tugging on my hand softly, I followed him and raised an eyebrow. He blinked slowly. 

_Trust me_

I squeezed his hand, my fingers suddenly tingling with the electricity from his own. 

Not knowing where we were going, I followed him into the living room. My breathing was shallow, my memory flashing with our previous times alone together. How fast everything had escalated before, how easy it had been to simply lose ourselves in the joy and pleasure of discovery of each other, body and soul. 

Like a magnet, where Jamie went I would follow. When we stood in front of the fire, Jamie turned and released my hand to add another log and stoke it once more. The yule logs crackled and welcomed another addition hungrily. 

Jamie turned his attention back to me and his innocent, boyish expression looked as nervous and hesitant as I felt myself. In the soft light of the fire I suddenly forgot how to stand or where to put my hands. Jamie drew me close to him and both of us clung to each other in a moment. Our two souls adrift as kites without a string, suddenly finding grounding in each other’s grasp. Together we swayed with no music. I rested my head under his chin and just beneath his Adam’s apple. I felt him swallow hard beneath my cheek. 

“Claire,” His voice was hushed. “You needn’t be afraid of me. I wasn’a planning on jumping on you.” 

I chuckled nervously, “I didn’t think you would.” 

“We needn’t do anything at all if you’re not ready. I’m perfectly fine just holding you like this.” 

My heart swelled with how hard he was trying to reassure me. 

“Seriously, we can sit by the fire and talk or watch something or just …. Whatever you’d like. I can even go if you’d like me to-” 

I blinked and stepped back, genuinely offended. “No!” 

Jamie smiled, “I wasn’a too pleased with that idea either, Sassypants so I’m glad you object.” 

I drew him close to me and hugged his neck tightly. “God, you’re a sweet, dear, stupid man and I love you for it. It’s not even MY first time and here I am shaking.” 

I held my hand up to him as proof. 

He held up his own to me, his pinkie finger trembled slightly. 

Jamie sat down on the couch and motioned for me to do the same. He breathed in deeply before he began. 

“Claire, I need to tell you something,” 

My stomach immediately bunched up into a knot and I could feel the cocoa swimming up into my throat. 

“I’ve never….” He started slowly, finally his hand found mine and he clasped it tightly, “I never honestly wanted to share my life with anyone else before, but then I met you.” 

Jamie gestured with his head over to Fergus’s room. 

“And him.” 

I breathed in shallowly, my eyes suddenly welling up with tears from the soft emotion displayed in his voice. 

“I’m not one to do this lightly, but Claire, I want you. All of you. Now and forever. I want you to know I fully intend on staying by your side. I’ll ‘no run out on you like he did. When I look at my future, well… it’s only you two that are in it. I want you to know that. You make my soul happy. My heart is home with you near, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

I took both his hands in my own and kissed them on his rough knuckles. The hard work shown on his hands were dear to me, I cherished each mark, each callous, each line that had proven to me he would stop at nothing to take care of us. 

“I do fully intend on making ‘ye my wife someday, Sassypants.” 

My heart did a full-stop. I brought my eyes to his face and searched it wide-eyed. 

Jamie didn’t know how to wink, he simply looked at me open and honestly like an old red owl and blinked both eyes slowly. 

“Aye, perhaps when the thought doesn’a terrify you as much as it does now. I’ll prove myself to you, Claire. I promise you.” 

I was blushing and not breathing and suddenly I let out a great whoosh of air from my lungs as my body relaxed at long last. 

“Claire Fraser.” 

I turned even more red as I said the name. 

“Would you like that… someday?” Jamie’s eyes were entirely earnest and penetrated my soul with their intensity. 

“Yes,” I said solemnly. “Yes, I would like that very much.” 

Jamie beamed at me and laughed softly to himself as he drew me close to him. He cradled me in his arms for a while, both of us saying nothing. Finally, he spoke. 

“I loved you from the moment I saw you, Claire. All pretty and dressed in that green sweater and your gray boots. I’ll never forget the way you looked up as I entered that room. It near took my breath away.” 

I smiled, and my mind went back to the years of sadness I had endured.

“I wish I’d known you then, all those years ago” I daydreamed aloud. 

“Why’s that?” Jamie asked. 

“So I could love you longer.” I admitted. “And I’m sure you wouldn’t have left me to have Fergus on my own while you were asleep in the next room.” 

“What?!” Jamie interjected, incredulously. 

“Yup.” I related to him the entire story of how I had hemorrhaged with Fergus, how we were both in distress medically and how Frank had all but left the building since 12 hours of labor was apparently “taking too long” for the man. 

“Fuck that man,” Jamie said, using the f-word was rare for him despite his background in the armed forces. “I wouldn’t have left your side, Claire. God the thought of it tears me to pieces, and to think if I did that to you…” He shook his head. 

I kept silent. I hadn’t meant to bring him up. Thankfully Jamie changed the subject quickly and we were happily speaking of his childhood Christmases and memories from visiting Scotland. 

“We’ll go someday, you and I.” I said. 

“I’d like that, Sassypants. More than anything.” Jamie hugged me closer and I rested my head on him. 

Scots were great storytellers and Jamie was no exception to the rule. His stories were full of color and jokes and side lines, all wonderfully punctuated and elaborated with arm gestures here and there. We stopped talking once and only once for me to remember to set out Fergus’s gifts from Santa and then I found my place next to him again. 

The clock on the wall had shown the hour was late and I yawned in spite of myself. Without thinking, I spoke. 

“I guess we’d better get to bed.” 

I blinked. Jamie’s face was unreadable in the low light of the room. 

“To bed? Or… to sleep?” He cocked an eyebrow at me, his dark blonde eyelashes illuminated in the firelight. 

I looked up at him and smiled. 

“Well…” 

Jamie took the leap first. 

“Well you’re not likely to sleep without getting ready for bed, alright if I take the bathroom first?”

I nodded, blushing hard. I got up and grabbed his hand, the last log popped as it died on the hearth behind us as we made our way to my room. I busied myself picking out a long, simple nightdress all the while being keenly aware of Jamie changing into a white tee shirt and sweats and brushing his teeth in the bathroom adjoining. 

We had been in the space before, but tonight the air had changed. Jamie left the bathroom and kissed me on the forehead as I passed him wordlessly to change and brush my teeth. Hastily I curled my eyelashes again and put chapstick with a slight tint of pink over my lips.

Jamie had seen me in several states of dress and undress and always averted his eyes out of politeness, but tonight he stared. I stepped out of the bathroom with my heart pounding to see him sitting on the edge of the bed. Upon seeing me, he stood. 

I was fully aware my outfit was as sheer as it was soft. The folds of the white fabric clung to my curves and my bosom, my nipples hard and peaked in the cold of the December night. 

Jamie opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, he simply drank me in with intensity as his blue eyes surveyed my body like a map to a shrine he would gladly worship at forever. 

“Well,” I said, my face blushing near to purple, “Christ Jamie, say something.”

Jamie grinned, his eyes still taking it all in as he took a step closer to me. 

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered. “The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Claire.” 

I looked at him then, noticing his eyes dilating, focusing on how the fabric draped around my cleavage. My chest pounding, my breath racing, I drank in his presence as well. He was as vulnerable as I was, the shyness between us gave way to solemn desire. 

I had often wondered if I would ever be able to want another man again after the abuse. If my body would retch and reject any kind of intimate attention from another. Would Frank’s touch mar my psyche? 

All that worry had been in vain. 

Jamie waited for my lead and I took it. Crossing to him, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he bent his head to mine and kissed me for a long while. His hands lightly ran down my neck, edging my shift off my shoulders and down. He let out a sigh and I bent my head back in pure joy and closed my eyes as he kissed my neck and shoulders, working ever downwards. His auburn curls brushing my cheek and neck with his descent. Jamie had fallen to his knees, his breath hot on my collarbone as his hands slipped into my shirt, easing the rest of the fabric off me and down around my bare waist. He cupped and, tenderly at first, caressed my bare breasts with his fingers. Running them over my nipples, his mouth soon replaced them. First one and then the other, his free hand holding me to him, on the small of my back pulling me tightly against him. 

I smiled, biting my lip, trying my best to hold in any small sounds that so desperately wanted to burst from my mouth. 

“Your turn,” I said after a while. 

I couldn’t take it anymore, pulling him up, I started pulling at the hem of his shirt, he removed it slowly, his eyes never leaving my face, soft and hungry in the low light of the candle I had burning on my nightstand. 

I swallowed, my mouth dry. Jamie was well built and lean, hard muscle as showcased by his arms and chest. The curves and indentations of physical labor were plain, as was the slight concave of his belly tracing into an ever-so-slight arrow down to an ever-growing arousal in response to my own. He turned slightly to toss the shirt on the foot of the bed and I held in a gasp. 

I had remembered the shrapnel and injury he had mentioned to me, but seeing it so plainly for the first time broke my heart. I didn’t let him see the pain cross my face as I thought of how awful it must have hurt him to have it happen so long ago. Jamie’s muscular back was torn in both vertical and diagonal scars, clearly healed over from deep, jagged cuts that must have ripped him to shreds. 

“It’s a mess, I know.” Jamie said quietly, almost apologetically. 

I walked behind him in a moment and kissed his shoulders, drawing him into me by hugging him from behind. Running my fingers over the scars, I caressed them as he turned back to look at me. Just as he had found in me, I found beauty in his brokenness. The remnants of a wrecked body held this man together so perfectly imperfect and I loved each flaw entirely as it was. 

“I want you.” I breathed, “Every bit of you. Now and always.” 

Jamie put his shaking hands on my arms and eased the nightshirt the rest of the way down until it lay as a heap around my feet. Beholding me for the first time, he took a shuddering breath. In a moment, he pressed me to him. 

“If anything starts to feel bad, let me know and I’ll stop. Anything at all.” Jamie’s voice came out strained as I felt the spring of the red-brown hair on his chest against my own bare skin. 

My hands immediately went to his waist, easing down the gray pants. Jamie put his hands over mine and slid them down to join my nightshirt on the floor. 

I knew what would be underneath it all, but it still took my breath away to find only Jamie. A sharp intake of breath from my mouth before he kissed me passionately again. A dull throb between my legs as I anticipated his arrival, he was more than ready for it. 

Jamie picked me up as he did the day in the foyer. I wrapped my bare legs around his waist, the softness of my own body meeting his firm one. His virility and ease in tossing me about made me almost purr as he laid me gently on the bed. He propped himself up over me and I felt safe in the cover of his broad shoulders over my small ones. I grabbed his neck and pulled him in, kissing him again and again, our mouths opening and closing as our breath went back and forth in and out of the other in the holy space between our hearts. 

I could hear my pulse racing in my ears as I looked up at him, his face lost in the newness of it all. His erection against my belly, growing ever-harder by the second. Finally, I bit his neck just below his ear and, reaching down, guided him to the slippery meeting place of my thighs. 

“Fucking Christ.” Jamie exhaled in pure ecstasy as I guided him gently into me. 

…………………………………………………….

I could have died a hundred times and each time I would ask God to replay that next quarter hour for me on my ascent to heaven. We fit beautifully and in spite of the initial clumsiness, Jamie made love to me with the unflagging, unperfected joy of a man drunk in love. A man of great strength, he held back, sometimes annoyingly so before I urged him on, harder, deeper and faster as we both reached new heights of pleasure. 

I closed my eyes and held onto his broad shoulders, my fingers gripping the edges of his scars and occasionally the comforter beneath me as he filled me up and hit all of the right angles. Soon, I felt my own climax growing even as his breath grew ragged and he exhaled loudly and sharply, his head falling to my shoulder. In the flow of sharp movement he spilled himself into me. My own hips rocked up hard to meet his and I gasped and held on tightly as a pulsating sweetness carried me away with the sensation between my legs. Our souls mingled in the glow. 

A drop of sweat from Jamie’s auburn waves hit my bare breastbone as he slid off me. Jamie intertwined his fingers in mine falling to my side on the comforter. For a moment we both breathed heavily, eyes closed, facing up at the vaulted ceiling. 

……………………………………………………..

Some time later, we held each other. I lay with one leg over his, my head on his chest, cradled against his own heartbeat. His touch running up and down my arms lightly as smooth as silk. 

“Are you okay?” Jamie asked softly, “With everything?” 

I smiled and languidly stretched, burrowing only closer to him as his form enveloped me under the covers. 

“Yes, very much so. And you? Did you enjoy it?” I returned the question, opening up my eyes to see him gazing down at me in joy. 

“Aye,” Jamie swallowed. “I did very much. Can we just live here now?” 

“This space or this moment?” I laughed softly. 

“Both,” Jamie grinned. 

“Forever and ever.” I replied. 

Jamie kissed my forehead and went back to cuddling me close. My heart near to bursting, I looked up at him with my vision clouding with happy tears. 

“Jamie?” 

“Hmm.” 

“For the first time…. Since it happened…” I started, my voice catching in my throat. “I do feel whole again.” 

In the silence, the intimacy, the love shared between us, the chasm in my soul had started to mend. Inch by inch, stitch by stitch. Jamie had pieced me together and given me the strength and joy to live again. He had healed my soul by giving me some of his own. 

_Whole again._

James Fraser had promised me whole again and he had kept that promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am obsessed by the idea of redemption. The act of redeeming oneself to true form, to wholeness. Now that is something to admire. 
> 
> I sought to capture the magnitude of what this meant for both Jamie and Claire, giving them redemption an act that went past mere sexuality, but opened up a world of healing for both their souls. It's one of the reasons their relationship is so special, they can find each other across space and time and communicate without words the deepest love for the other. 
> 
> Jamie and Claire forever! Hope you enjoyed it.


	24. Old Friends and Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet some new characters that connect Jamie to his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, my dear readers!
> 
> Hope you all have a fantastic day and are in the best of health :) 
> 
> As promised, the latest chapter for Mirrorball is here. Thank you for reading and Merry Christmas from my little farm in Ohio <3

I awoke to the sensation of goosebumps spreading down my arm from my shoulder where Jamie was lightly kissing me. My back was against his warm, bare chest and he was holding me close. His arms around me felt like a weighted blanket and I sank into them willingly. 

“Merry Christmas, love.” Jamie said close to my ear, his voice tickling the dark curls loose around my face. 

My hair was a giant mess from the night before and, apart from the tangle of blankets and duvet, we were both only clothed in each other as we had fallen asleep in each other’s arms in the wee morning hours. 

Before I could say good morning, he was kissing me gently again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him playfully on top of me again. Jamie’s mouth twitched into a wide grin. 

“Mm, best Christmas ever.” I smiled like a cat with a fresh saucer of cream. 

Seeing him in the early morning light sent my stomach into somersaults, the light from the tall curtained windows was dim but it hit his bare back above me and lit up his wide shoulders hovering a mere foot above my own. 

Jamie licked his lips slightly and bent his head to rub his chin on my neck, planting ardent kisses on my collarbone. I stifled a giggle as his scruff tickled my neck. 

“Merry Christmas, Mama.” 

Jamie and I both started as a chirpy voice came from the door to the hall. 

“Oh!” 

Fergus was rubbing his head and blinking his giant blue eyes open to the sight of us tangled together. 

“Merry Christmas, honey!” I called out quickly, throwing the covers up to my neck. “Hey, go check the tree, Mommy will be out in just a second.” 

Thankfully Fergus trotted off and in the mad scramble of me jumping to the door to quick lock it as we got dressed, Jamie bumped into me, his voice low in my ear. 

“Later.” 

……………………………………………………………..

Christmas morning was a bumble of wonder and excitement as Fergus tore through wrapping paper and shrieks of joy filled the air. Jamie and I cuddled on the couch watching him play with his new toys as well as the bows and boxes. I warmed some cinnamon buns and made coffee and soon it was time to get ready for lunch and the afternoon over at Jenny’s. 

Jamie’s hand found my own throughout the morning and we were inseparable. I watched as he got out of my shower and changed into the clothes he’d brought, a cream fisherman’s sweater and dark wash jeans. With just a towel around his waist, he tousled his hair into place in the mirror and I grinned. A warm feeling spread through my heart as I looked at him, I breathed in calmly and slowly and felt the peace of having him near seep through my bones. I reveled in the memory of the night before and flashbacked to Jamie’s utter joy and enthusiasm for our newfound intimacy. Male virginity was a grossly underrated commodity. 

I did want to be fiercely independent as a woman by myself in the world after my marriage with Frank had dissolved. But I also knew in my heart that I needed Jamie in my life. Yes, I would be whole without him as well, but with him? Well, life with James Fraser was nothing short of a dream come true. 

_So far._

The words of doubt hit me with a dull impact as if someone slapped a cold, wet dish rag over my joy. So far. 

_This isn’t the same, Claire. It won’t be the same._

“What’s on your mind, love?” 

I started. 

Jamie had come out of the bathroom from getting ready to head out, his hair still damp and a slight tad of toothpaste on his chin he was unaware of. 

“Nothing,” I lied. 

Jamie shot me a look. 

“I’ve not been here long but I do know when you’re lying, Sassypants.” 

I sighed defeatedly. 

“I’m thinking,” I started slowly, I didn’t want to hurt him. “That all this is too good to be true. Jamie, I’ve never been happier, I want this to last.” 

Jamie’s eyes mirrored the hurt in my own and in a flash the hurt was gone, replaced by solemn intent. 

“Claire.”

I turned my head to hide the tear that rushed to my eye and threatened to fall out. 

Jamie sat on the bed with me and put his chin on my knees as I drew them upwards into my arms. 

“Can I tell you something?” 

I snorted softly, “You’re likely to tell me anyway, so have at it.” 

“Aye,” Jamie smirked. “I tend to be direct with those I love, Claire.” 

I’d noticed. It was something I both loved and hated about him. 

Jamie raised a hand and twirled a stray curl away from my brow and back into my mane of chestnut curls. 

“I know ye’ve doubts about us. About me. All from your past relationship. But Claire,” Jamie looked intensely into my eyes searching my soul with his gaze. “Ye’ve never been loved by me before. I promise you, it’s going to be different.” 

I swallowed hard and breathed in a little shakily. 

“I know.” I admitted. 

“I love you, Sassypants.” 

I smiled slowly as he leaned forward and kissed my nose with the lightest of pecks. 

“I love you, too.” 

As I took the bathroom to get ready myself, I tried hard to push away thoughts of Frank. After all, my relationship with Jamie had no room for a third party. Even one that haunted me. 

_New job. New benefits. Therapy._

I acknowledged my need for processing what had happened to me. Hopefully I wouldn’t sabotage a good thing. 

………………………………………………………

Jamie held my hand the entire way there, as we pulled up in his volkswagon to Jenny’s place again I was surprised at the sheer number of cars on the street. 

“I thought it was family only!” I exclaimed, now questioning my laid back choice of knit sweater and jeans. 

“Aye, it is.” Jamie replied. “And significant others and the like. We do have a few cousins nearby but we don’t see them very often. Looks like Jenny invited Charles.” 

_Charles._

The same sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it, I had thought Jenny mentioned him to Ian on the phone that night we had stayed with her but I couldn’t be sure. 

Suddenly nervous about meeting Jamie’s extended family, my hand found his large warm one and squeezed it. 

Jenny’s door was open and we entered as he yelled out to say hello. I could hear the bumble of people from the back kitchen and dining room area of the house. Jenny’s place was a warm mix of spiced cider mulling on the stove and the air was hot and sweet with the smell of freshly baked cookies. Fergus looked up at me with his big blue eyes. 

“Play?” He said, signing the word as well as speaking it. 

I nodded to him and he ran off to find the little friends he had made at the Christmas party. 

Jenny’s dark head popped out into the hall. 

“Baby brother, come here, love!” 

She enveloped first Jamie, then me in her famous hugs that quite took your breath away. 

I heard her as she took Jamie’s head and bent it to her ear. 

“Now before ye say anything, just know I had NO idea about the trollop and yes, I ken it’ll be awkward. I could just kill him. Typical Charlie.” 

Jenny’s blue eyes shot back at me and she smiled bigger, grabbing my hand. 

“And you, Claire! You’re positively glowing! My brother treatin’ ye well, eh?” She cocked a thin, dark eyebrow heavenwards and stifled a laugh as Jamie’s face went from confused at her previous remarks to suddenly purple-red with embarrassment. 

“I’m pleased as punch, brother.” 

Jenny patted his cheek playfully, still holding my hand. 

“Well, it’s now or never,” she hissed to him. 

I opened my mouth to ask just what was going on, but it was too late. Jenny tugged me firmly behind her and into the dining room where several strangers were sitting and starting a game of Scrabble over cider and cocoa. 

“Everyone,” Jenny announced, her loud lilt chirping out the introduction like a new song. “This is Claire Beauchamp. Jamie’s girlfriend. Oh and of course, my brother’s here too.” 

Ian laughed and nodded hello before cutting close to Jamie’s side and nudging him hard with his shoulder. Apparently everyone knew about our night, I didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended. 

A couple that was new to me was by the fire in two leather armchairs, I noticed them at once as the tiny man stood up and extended a hand to me. 

“James, congratulations!” 

The man had to be in his mid-thirties, his white-blond hair cut short along his scalp in typical army fashion. He dressed sharply in a fine, high thread-count cotton starched shirt French tucked into dark slacks. 

I didn’t read much past his gray-eyed expression, I felt bad for saying so, but he was utterly forgettable in appearance. Possibly why his clothes were more noticeable than the others in the room. 

It was the girl with the dark blonde hair and green eyes that caught my attention sitting opposite him. She had legs for miles and both were propped on the hearth tapering down from her slip of a dress to her pointed heels. 

“Jamie!” Her voice had a French accent and she was unbearably attractive. I took in her slight body and tall physique as she all but launched herself up out of her chair at my boyfriend. 

Jamie's eyes widened in shock, his mouth fell open. 

“Annalise.” He said when he finally managed a word. 

The girl kissed both his cheeks and hugged him, looking back at me with a pleased look on her perfectly symmetrical face. Her green eyes flashed at me with an indeterminable look on her perfectly heart-shaped face.

“Claire? How good to meet you, you must know you’re a lucky woman to have such a passionate man as Jamie as your lover.” 

My mouth fell open and my eyes caught Jenny’s as she groaned and turned away and mumbled something in Gaelic. 

Jamie extricated himself from her side-hug and came back to stand at my side. In a low voice, he slipped an arm around me. 

“Claire. This is Annalise De Marillac , my ex.” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil angst for Christmas ;) But also fluff.


	25. Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot

This was not how I thought my Christmas would go. I bumbled through an introduction and eyed Annalise with both surprise and a sinking feeling in my heart. 

I looked from Jenny to Ian to Jamie and back again, the three of them shot each other meaningful glances and everyone shuffled positions slightly, not sure how to act. Ian’s blue eyes widened and he stammered trying to find something to say. Overall, he looked like a fish out of water, flopping from syllable to syllable and finally shutting up. 

Jamie’s arm didn’t leave my side, wrapped around me possessively. 

Charles was the one who broke the silence. 

“Ah, yes. Um.” He looked apologetically around the room, not so much as if he owed anyone an apology but as if they owed him one for making this awkward. 

“I should have consulted first when I said I was bringing my girlfriend.” 

“Perhaps you should’ve.” Jamie said tersely, his eyes not leaving Charles’s gray ones. 

Jenny raised a black, thin eyebrow up at her brother. 

“Aye, maybe ‘twouldn’t have been such a surprise, Charles. Yer always bringing surprises.” She laughed uncomfortably. “Brother, can I speak with ye for a moment?” 

Ian took the hint from Jenny and steered the conversation in another direction. 

“So you’re in town for a week, then? Where to next, Charlie?” 

I trailed behind Jamie as I heard their cousin reply. 

“Ah, yes. Um. Betwixt and between appointments at the moment I’m afraid. I was going to go to NYC later this week on some business for the company. I hear they make a wonderful creme de menthe upstate….” 

Jenny’s kitchen looked suddenly cold in the white light of the snow outside the window, reflecting off the cream cabinets harshly. Her voice was low and for the first time I truly saw the family resemblance in them as both their eyes took on a glint of rage and they both clenched their jaw in the same manner. 

“Now I know it’s awkward, brother but-” 

“Awkward?” Jamie’s voice was edging on yelling and he quickly kept it down at Jenny’s touch to his arm. “Awkward doesn’t even begin to explain this, Jen. What the hell?!” 

“Don’t go blaming me! He showed up with the trollop and next thing I knew he said she was his girlfriend and they were taking over my sitting room like they lived here. I had no idea, I swear. Doesn’t Charles know you dated her?” 

“Aye he does,” Jamie said darkly. “I had no idea they kept in touch though, I hadn’a seen Annalise for years before now. After how things ended...” 

“I ken what was said, but it doesn’t change the fact we cannae throw them both out immediately. It’s my house and considering it’s Christmas we have to make the best of it.” 

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other suddenly wondering where Fergus had got to. 

“I’d better go-” I said before they both cut me off. 

“No.” 

“Claire, I cannae apologize enough for this, I can’t imagine how weird this must be for you.” Jamie said with a touch of deep resentment in his voice. 

In a moment, Jenny grabbed the bottle of Jameson left unopened from the party and poured two shots into tiny crystal glasses from the hutch cabinet behind her. 

She handed one to me and not Jamie, taking the other for herself. 

“Slàinte mhath.” Jenny nodded to me as if business had just completed. 

My eyes widened as she threw it back and slammed it on the counter without even a blink. 

“Best behavior, brother. Maybe they’ll leave soon…” 

Jenny tossed her dark hair over her shoulder and flounced back to join Ian. 

“Well that’s that.” I chuckled dryly. 

“Aye, Jen’s got a way about her of making things more simple than they appear to be. Claire, I-” 

“Bottoms up.” I took my shot and tried not to sputter as I set the empty glass gently into the deep farmhouse sink. 

I hadn’t had much to drink, if anything, since the incident. But Jenny was right. If I was to get through the next few hours unscatched emotionally I might as well have some liquid courage. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

  
  


Jamie looked around anxiously from Claire to Annalise and back again. His one tell was his face and he knew it. Jen had often joked to him that he should never take up poker. In concern he grabbed Claire’s hand and kept to her side as much as possible. 

_How could Charles do this? The prick. Not only did he know about their history, but he sought to bring her to their family Christmas without blinking at the audacity of it all._

After about twenty minutes of tense and trailing conversations, the couple got up and talked to each other in low tones as Ian and Jenny bustled around bringing out drinks and showing off Jenny’s gold and sapphire antique ring to those who hadn’t seen it. 

Annalise smiled and seemed unperturbed by the current situation. In a true French girl fashion, she was always rather forward-thinking in her relationships. Aside from Jamie, she was in many open and nontraditional relationships, part of why the pair never worked together. The other reason was still unknown to Jamie…

“Charles and I will be going.” Annalise said shortly, she smiled to the room. “We must visit my friends before heading back, it was lovely to see you all.” 

A collective sigh of relief must have risen from everyone’s chest as the couple made their way towards the front door. 

Jamie extricated his hand from Claire’s and shared a meaningful look with her, hoping to convey his intent. 

“I’ll be right back, Claire.” 

To her amazement, he followed them out. 

In the cold, harsh sunlight, Jamie stepped off Jenny’s brick front stoop and grabbed Annalise’s hand. Charles was oblivious to this impediment and kept walking to their audi in the drive a ways down. Jamie could sense they were being watched by the eyes he felt drilling into his wide back, blocking his face and hers from view. 

“It was so good to see you, Jamie.” Annalise smiled, “I do hope you’re better.” 

“Aye.” Jamie said shortly. “Claire’s healed me in a number of ways.” 

There was a moment of silence between the two. 

“I’m sorry to be rude but…” Jamie began his face twitched in memory of their last meeting. 

“But you have questions.” Annalise surveyed him with her bright green eyes. 

“Well- yes.” 

“Alright,” Annalise blinked slowly, unperturbed. “What can I answer for you?” 

“Well for one,” Jamie began, thinking of her text to him. 

_Can’t do this. Sorry._

Annalise’s thin throat visibly swallowed as she looked regretfully at him now, listening closely. 

………………………………………………………..

I stood at the window with Jenny and we both looked through the panes of glass and curtains. 

My heart felt a pang of jealousy and anger when Jamie had followed them out, and again as I watched them embrace quickly before she got into the car with Charles to leave. 

“Well I’ll be. I hope he’s putting it to her after she left him like she did.” 

“Oh?” I said trying desperately to feign disinterest. 

Jamie opened and closed the door to Jenny’s, his face dark with anger. 

“Well?” Jenny asked what we had all been thinking. 

“Please. Not on Christmas, Jenny. I’ll ‘no let them ruin the rest of today.” Jamie said shortly, trying to form a smile. 

He was suddenly close to me and, although I was confused, I didn’t push him away. I knew he would tell me in his own time. 

After a wonderful lunch Jenny had made of roast turkey and all the trimmings, I was playing with Fergus and a few of the other children in the house. Putting my hands over my eyes I counted to thirty, I could sense Jamie close behind me in the doorway to the upstairs room we had stayed in. I jumped as his arms went around my waist with my eyes still closed tightly. 

“Didn’t mean to scare ye, Sassypants.” 

I turned to face him, knowing we had a few spare moments before the children realized I was in fact not searching for them. I heard a few distant giggles from the linen closet in the hallway. 

“Why did you go after her?” I said pointedly. 

The question had gnawed at my insides for the last hour, were things unfinished between them? I had dreaded asking but I couldn’t stand it any longer. The words came bursting out of him as well. 

“Closure.” Jamie said shortly, “I thought I needed it, I never got a reason as to why she broke up with me through text all those years ago. Turns out I didn’t need it after all.” 

“Oh?” I said trying to hide the fact my voice was wavering with dread of what he might tell me next. 

Jamie’s scruffy chin scraped my cheek as he kissed me and hugged me close. 

“Why did you break up?” 

Jamie’s blue eyes blinked in surprise and regret, “Aye, well… not at all for the reason I thought it was. We were never… close, me and her. Only dated for about two months. Turns out she couldn’t handle my…. Well, my PTSD.” 

I stood shocked, my mouth left ajar. 

“Really?” 

“Really. She said she couldn’t handle when I brought up my memories to her, when I was triggered and it was hard ... Claire. I-” Jamie struggled to find the right words. 

I waited, heart in my throat as I watched him grimace at a very painful part of his past. 

“War broke me, Claire. When I met Annalise, I was full of need. A need to be not broken anymore. With her-” His voice became lower, “well, I was only broken further.” 

I looked at him, seeing the years of regret all over his face. 

“I’m not proud of who I was, Claire. But you make me proud of who I am now.” 

I felt a wave of guilt wash over me with a sick feeling of dread. The reality of my newfound jealousy hit me with just how insensitive I was being. Jamie had to deal with me being not only with a man before him but also married to him and a child that wasn’t his in the mix and never would be fully his in that way. 

_What was there to be jealous over?_

She may have had the boy, but I had the man in front of me, who he was now was not who he was then. 

“I’m glad you talked.” I said at last, swallowing my pride. 

“Aye, it’s laid to rest now. I do hope she and Charles find joy as well, they both… deserve each other.” Jamie said meekly. “I promise, Sassypants, Christmas with the Fraser clan is never this... dramatic.” 

I smiled, kissing him softly on the lips. For a moment I forgot where we were, Jamie pulled me into an embrace and suddenly I remembered his whisper of ‘later’ to me that morning. 

“CLAIRE. Are you finding us or what?” The voices of the children echoed down the hall with impatience. 

“Oops.” I grimaced. “Duty calls.” 

Jamie mocked a salute, “Onward soldier, but I’m stealing you later.” 

“Oh?” I feigned ignorance. 

“Very important mission.” Jamie responded, pulling me close once again, his hand brushing my hair off my neck to plant a kiss near my ear. His breath was warm against my cheek. 

“Christ, Claire. How I want you.” 

His low voice was rough and begging. My legs felt weak and my breathing quickened. 

“Ready or not here I come!” I shouted out, irritated at how they had pulled me into their game when I had my own afoot. 

_Later._

I edged out the green-eyed-monster of jealousy as well as the woman whose flawless features encompassed my grief of not knowing Jamie back then. He was the sun and stars to all my worlds and I was desperate to know every facet of where his light had touched before he met me. If only to think of the what-if’s and relish in the daydreams of what was never allowed to happen until now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slàinte mhath = cheers 
> 
> I wove in some threads from Dragonfly in Amber in this one, Charles as their cousin in place of Charles Stewart. Creme de Menthe from Jared's distillery business, also hinted at in later books as something Jamie procures somewhat illegally.... ;) and of course, Annalise. 
> 
> Closure is a funny topic to discuss. Some say you need it, others say you don't. I'm of the opinion in my thirties that, although sometimes nice, no- you don't "need" closure to move on from someone or something that caused you pain. I've been reflecting on that a lot with friends who have hurt me, when it feels impossible to move on. Nobody likes being treated like a situation that needs to be handled. But what do you do when someone's name only spells out pain?


	26. A Pledge Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie joins the reserves and makes plans while Claire prepares for her court date with Frank

“Later” never came. 

Jamie’s very soul ached to hold Claire again in the days that followed but work made it near impossible. She had started her job at the school and by the time she had Fergus down from his bath she all but yawned into the phone when they had their nightly call. 

Jamie straightened up his back as he stood in front of the twin glass doors. The tan building from the 60’s was dull and lifeless in the light of the winter day, the air bit at his nose and was so cold he couldn’t smell a thing. Even being outside for short amounts of time hurt his face. 

He put a hand up to push the glass door inwards with some effort. Nothing seemed easy about this place, it had been a while since he had visited. 

The man behind the counter was in his mid-fifties and an absolute giant of a man. His bald head was overpowering of his features as was his white beard. He looked oddly out of place in civilian clothes. His gray eyes flashed recognition as Jamie walked in keeping his head down in thought. 

“Fraser?” 

Jamie’s head snapped up, “Mackenzie?” 

Suddenly he felt as if he were ten years younger, he swallowed nervously remembering just how much fear this man struck into his heart during boot camp. 

“Sir.” Jamie caught himself and regained formality, “ I didn’t realize you were working here.” 

General D. Mack as the men had called him shrugged his broad shoulders, “Ah, well. So it goes when you’re retired and your old lady begs you to volunteer for the greater good. I’m surprised to see you here. Weren’t you honorably discharged after your injury in Basra?” 

Jamie’s right eye twitched slightly at the mention of the name, “Aye, er… actually I came to enlist in the reserves if that’s still an option for me.” 

The general’s smile widened and he was half taken aback by this statement, “Of course! Well I’m damned pleased, son. We’d be lucky to have a man like you among us.” 

He reached under the desk promptly to grab some paperwork before Jamie changed his mind. 

“Well I’ll be, darned.” 

Mack’s eyes gleamed in his bald head and they took on a shine Jamie had never seen in them before. 

“If you’d have told me five years ago that James Fraser would walk back in here and pledge his loyalty to the reserves, I’d have told you to take a hike!” 

“That bad, eh?” Jamie chuckled dryly as he looked over the paperwork and found the place to sign on the third page.

“Well apart from being one of my most memorable boot camps, I’ll never forget how you and that Murray gave me a run for my money. I’m glad to see you’ve grown into a man that’s not so foolhardy as you young boys were back then. Disappearing from base to do God-knows-what together.” 

Jamie thought back on the midnight excursions to Sonic to get some actual food instead of the slop they served at the canteen. 

“Aye, we were right buggers back then.” He mused, tongue in cheek. 

Mackenzie’s eyes grew stern suddenly and he reached out putting a hand on Jamie’s arm. 

“You do know it’s permanent, right? Once you join you’re in it for good.” 

Jamie nodded, “Aye, I’ve thought about this for a while now. I’ll be needing more than a pay to support a family, plus the benefits.” 

Mackenzie smiled again, “Well congratulations, Fraser. We’re happy to have you.” 

………………………………………………...

Christmas came and went in a blur of color and lights. Soon, I found myself preparing for the mounting anxiety of our court date on the 30th of December. I hadn’t told Jamie or anyone but Ned must have known. With all luck our marriage would dissolve on the eve of my anniversary with Frank. A lump grew in my throat thinking about that date. Six years ago I was a lamb to slaughter and now, getting ready for the court date made me feel the same way. 

Jamie went back to work at a furious pace, I had noticed he was taking less time talking with me during the day and whenever I called the print shop, Ian would often answer because he was on a call with another business. 

Each time we were apart it was easy for me to lose myself in doubt. Our relationship once seemed rock solid and tightly wound to each other but now…. I sighed from faxing over yet another article of discovery that Ned needed for the hearing. The list of to-do’s seemed endless. 

My feet dully ached from the heels I wore unnecessarily all day. I had wanted to make a good impression on Mr. Wotring as it had been several years since I had entered the professional world. My navy pumps had clacked the halls of the school that day, finally ending up under a desk in the office to address and label first semester grades that were going out over the winter break. Fergus was allowed to come with me and played ball in the gym with some of the other teacher’s children, I was ever-thankful for the family orientation of my new workspace. It certainly made it easier to come and go in a place Fergus was already comfortable in. 

The days were long and hard, the nights came cold and fast. By the time I had gotten home and showered, fed and changed us both I was exhausted. Single motherhood meant I barely had time to text or call Jamie before passing out. 

_Mine tonight?_

My phone buzzed sharply and it scared me out of my stupor. 

_Sure? I mean, I can. I was just going to start something for dinner._

_Don’t. I’ll cook, Sassypants. Ok to pick you up in thirty?_

The thought of being near him and being able to melt into his firm hug sounded amazing. 

_Sure. Love you._

_Love you. Xx_

  
  


I did. I really did. But being apart after Frank…. Made it hard for any relationship. I found myself assuming the worst. Jamie’s face of anger and hurt at Annalise’s appearance made its way into my thought life on more than one occasion and made me question if he was really in a place to give himself fully to me as he had so willingly. 

Was Jamie clinging to me to fix him? Was I clinging to him? If both were true, was there anything wrong with holding each other through this. 

_Broken pieces don’t fix broken pieces, Claire._

I chastised myself for thinking the worst and yet… the throb of the truth of the idea lay my heart bare with the hurt of missing him. 

When Jamie pulled up as promised, I threw on a gray university hoodie over my jeans and helped him switch Fergus’s car seat over to his gray sedan. Only after Fergus was in safely, Jamie came around and opened my door for me, his square jaw twitching into a smile as he pulled me in close. 

“I missed you terribly, Sassypants.” 

I held onto him, unwilling to speak but holding him tightly against me. The fuzz from his jacket lining tickling my nose. I breathed him in and kissed his neck softly, burrowing my face into his chest. 

“Let me take care of you.” 

I was only too happy to nod and get in, “Please.” 

………………………………………………………………………………….

Jamie and I caught up over dinner of lasagna and salads, Fergus munched happily on garlic bread and was only too delighted with the sauce to care of what the adults were talking about. Jamie was not only a fantastic cook, but I had missed his storytelling. We laughed over what new escapades Jenny and Ian were planning for their upcoming wedding in March. Mishaps at the shop. The angry squirrel that had taken to hiding under Ian’s car every morning and wasn’t scared of humans at all so it had started lodging nuts at him unawares. 

I had forgotten how even silence was a comfortable blanket of warmth and acceptance with him near. It seemed like years since we first met a few months ago, but so much had changed. The weight of all that had happened was almost soul-crushing. I had carried it well but that didn’t mean it wasn’t heavy. Jamie still breezed in, ready to smile and carry it all. I could breathe freely around him. 

I washed up Fergus and let him run to the space by the television to get out Jamie’s old Star Wars toys. I returned to the kitchen just as Jamie put the last dish away, he dried off his hands with an old, red dish towel. 

Jamie cocked a dark blonde eyebrow up at me. 

“Claire, be honest. When was the last time ye ate?” 

I opened my mouth in protest but realized my shrinking form spoke louder than anything else. I was down at least twenty pounds since we had met in September. 

“I eat!” I exclaimed. 

“Enough?” Jamie said pointedly. 

I shrugged, “It’s just… hard to remember with Fergus around. I’ve been so busy.” 

Jamie nodded once, his head smartly bobbing along to my lie. 

“Aye. I’ll come to your work, Sassypants. You’re precious to me, Claire. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too.” 

I looked away from him, a tear sprang into my right eye and onto my lashes. It fell to the floor and left a tiny mark on the dark floorboards. 

“Where’s Ian?” 

Jamie noted the subject change, “At Jenny’s he said he’d be back late….” 

“Can you hold me?” 

The blue of Jamie’s eyes stood out in the shadows of the early nightfall of winter outside. 

“Of course.” 

………………………………………………………..

I was tempted to sink into the old denim couch and sleep forever, my only wish was to be marooned on a desert island with no technology, no responsibilities and no Frank court date. As Jamie sat down next to me and gathered me close, I slipped an arm under his shoulder and laid across his broad chest with my head in it’s familiar home space above his heart. I held on tightly and didn’t speak for a long while. 

“I don’t want to see him again.” 

“Aye, I’m not much of a fan of the idea myself.” Jamie said in a hushed voice. His hands running through my curls. “It’s best I’m not there but I’ll be nearby with Fergus, I’m not leaving you Claire.” 

“I know.” 

Why was I falling apart earlier? When we got together alone, it was so simple. Now I let my heart guide me. Gone was the girl who went along with duty instead of instinct. I had often thought of Jamie as the ground to my kite, together they could thrive. His breath was slow and steady under me and the whirlwind of my mind kept at bay with such an earthbound disposition such as his... keen, clever and above all, logical. 

“I’m sorry about Christmas, Claire. It wasn’t the time nor the place to-”  


“I agree.” I said shortly, then I softened my eyes as I looked into his face, still hard with thought. “But I understand. As long as you aren’t still pining over someone else when you’re with me….” 

Jamie pulled back to look at me, “Hey now, what’s this? Really, Claire?” 

I blinked at him, my face showing the pain I had felt thinking on it all week. My brow furrowed slightly. 

“Total honesty, yes. I need to know we aren’t using the other to feel better here.” 

Jamie breathed in sharply, not as offended as he was a second ago. “Aye… well, I get that. If it helps that’s definitely not the case. I love you, Claire. It hurts me to think ye think so little of me when I- nevermind….” 

“When you?” I prodded, he wasn’t getting out of that this easy. 

“Ah,” Jamie started casually, but I could tell this topic was heavier than he let on. “I meant to tell you, but I had considered joining the reserves for a while now.” 

“And?” I tried to sound casual as well but my heart was racing. 

“And today I did.” 

“Oh,” I replied softly. 

Jamie’s hand entwined in my own and he brought my fingers to his lips. 

“Sassypants, I’m out here busting my rear trying to figure out how to provide for you.” 

I blinked at him, confused. 

“But, I got a job, I-” 

“Aye, but I ken you’re used to more. I earn pennies at the shop. I want to give you everything, Claire. Not just me, but a home. A home that’s ours. Only ours. I want a yard where Fergus can run, big enough for more space. I want to give you more. This can do that for us both.” 

My heart was swelling up with each sentence, I kissed his cheek and hugged him tighter. I blushed to think of how seriously he had thought about it all. My past decade had been advancing Frank through the higher-ups of education. No thought had ever been given to furthering my own life. Except for this humble man with the calloused fingers. Willing to work himself to the bone to ensure I was alright. 

“The reserves though, that’s a lot.” I admitted. 

“It is, but that’s a conversation for another time, Claire. I don’t mind. But hold that talk tonight, eh? You seem stressed as it is with the hearing.” 

I laughed bitterly. 

“Do you have a time machine? I’d like to skip ahead, please.” 

“A time machine? Ye mean I can go back and punch that bastard in the face when I had a chance?” Jamie quipped. 

“Something like that.” I playfully bit his chin. 

Jamie growled playfully and tickled my neck as she showered me with kisses there. For the first time that week I found myself laughing heartily forgetting all about the cares of the day. 

I rested my head on Jamie’s shoulder, rock solid beneath my wild curls, now falling down from the loose bun I had piled them into topped with a satin scrunchie. My inner 90’s child was showing in my outfit tonight. All I was missing was the tight-roll to my jeans. 

Jamie’s face grew serious and he pulled back to look into my eyes. Leaning forward, he bent his head to kiss my forehead and I swallowed hard against the emotions clawing their way up my throat. I touched his chin with my hands pulling him into a lingering kiss. He let out a low sigh and his grip tightened around my shoulders drawing me closer. 

_Later._

_Much_ later, as time would have it. I had never had to master the art of seduction with a child running loose in the house as my husband had shown little to no desire to be close with me after his birth. Still thoroughly entranced in his newfound toys, Fergus would be fine. 

Jamie slipped a hand around my bare waist and hoisted me up onto him. One hand on my lower back and the other hand thrilling in my dark curls pulling me into an intoxicating embrace. I kissed him back with the utter longing I had felt for him for the past few days. I stood up, pulling him with me. We stumbled down the hall and our socks squeaked slightly on the wood floor as we raced each other to the cool privacy of Jamie’s dark room. The moonlight was peeking into the room in long shafts coming through the wood blinds. I closed the door quietly behind us trying to make as little noise as possible so Fergus wouldn’t follow us wondering what the commotion was about. 

Jamie was as eager as I was to get on with the business at hand, he picked me up swiftly, wrapping my legs around his waist. 

“Claire.” His voice came out in a hushed breath, so soft it tickled my ear. He held me up against the wall near the folding closet and before I knew it, had me pinned against him there. I tried to stay quiet as a small gasp of want escaped my lips. I looked up at the ceiling drunkenly as Jamie’s lips caressed the base of my neck and brushed against my jawline. My mouth open and waiting for him to meet it with his own.

I wriggled slightly and Jamie set me down delicately, in one move he took off his navy long sleeved sweater. My hoodie joined it in a heap at once, my black crochet bralette contrasting my milk-white skin in the light of the moon. 

“Can I have you?” Jamie asked softly, his eyes perusing my body with the ease of a traveler looking out at a landscape from a passing train. Mesmerized by each turn, each curve, each mountain that came into view. 

“Yes.” 

His desire for consent was annoying at first but I loved how safe it made me feel knowing even in moments like these he was only thinking of my safety and comfort. 

I couldn’t stand how beautiful he was in the moonlight, the blue-white shafts of light catching on the strands of blonde in his red hair. His eyes looked deep and dark as two pools and I wanted to sink in and drown in them. 

In my excitement, I shoved Jamie backwards playfully onto his bed. I jumped as did he when the bed slid sideways beneath him and in an awful crack, half the old wood frame bit the dust. I put a hand over my gaping mouth and was ready to mutter an apology, my face bright red. Jamie wasn’t off-put by the excitement, however. 

He stifled a laugh and then with a wicked grin on his face, he pulled me close to him as he sat half on the bed, half on the floor. His fingers tugging at the zipper to my jeans, his lips brushing my bare belly sending rushes of excitement up my spine tingling into my hairline. He switched spots with me and laid me down carefully on the mattress held up only at one end. In two moves he was slipping my skinny jeans off and kissing the inside of my thighs all the way to my ankles as he removed them. 

We lost ourselves in a flurry of joy and clothing and amid the creakings of a bed that had entirely given up on holding us up in our joined rhapsody.


	27. Bone Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire's marriage comes to an end and in which we have a fire.

December 30th, 2011

Frank Randall’s dark eyes lit up, mouthing “oh wow” to me as I walked down the aisle. The audience let out a collective sigh of approval as I caught my breath, steadying myself in my heels to make the walk down the aisle. Later, I would find out from him that he simply faked emotion that day to guide me to him. To encourage me. His words spilled the truth to me after one especially bad fight after Fergus’s birth.

“I didn’t feel anything, I knew even then you were a heartless bitch!” Frank had spat out at me in disgust. 

I remember after that fight where anger told me the truth of that day. His name on my lips in a scream to the sky, gray and empty and aloof as he himself had been since that first day. The hubris of his bad intentions stayed. 

................................................................................................................

December 30th, 2016

Human pride can take many forms and it had certainly found a home in Frank Randall. Nourished by years of success and achievement, he found a certain familiarity with things going right for him. And why wouldn’t it? His feelings of grandeur were only heightened after securing a wife of great beauty, a gem in his crown as he climbed social ladder after social ladder. Frank quickly achieved a level of notoriety on campus as rumors of the Harvard-bound professor gained a name for himself as one of the foremost minds of archaeology in the Western world. 

A choice, a bad one and all that was taken from him in one night. 

That’s how his team of lawyers had spun it. 

I found comfort in Mr. Gowan’s fatherly hand on mine, steadying me under the table as I started shaking with anger in the courtroom. Staring at the bland, beige wallpaper in the older building, I avoided looking at Frank at all cost. He, however, had no problem looking at me. Pointing and shaking his head apathetically towards me the whole time we were in the courtroom. The turning point in the hearing was when Frank’s lawyer, a woman with a bun pulled tighter than Frank’s own blank expression, launched an attack at me from out of left field. 

“Your honor, certain circumstances have come to light regarding Mrs. Randall’s mental state. I’d like to present new evidence today that might affect any decision made today regarding custody of the child of the marriage…” 

I squeezed my hands together under the table as he and the older judge looked over the documents provided to the court. 

“Inadmissible.” Ned scoffed. “Your honor, the defense would lead us all to believe Mrs. Randall is a woman of damaged mental capacity simply because she had the audacity to give birth to this man’s child and then fall victim to the unfortunate result that so many women find themselves dealing with postpartum depression!” 

I gasped softly, it was true that I had spent weeks after Fergus’s birth staring at the walls in our condo, walking around listlessly and crying for hours on end. At the time, Frank cared for me at home and brought me to therapy on a regular basis. And now….

The judge threw out the case with no merit other than slander and the proceedings went on.

.........................................................................................................................................

Later that afternoon before our final hearing, Ned took me aside in the hall of the grand statehouse. 

“I come bearing gifts, it’s the holiday season, eh?” His wrinkled face burst into a happy heap of a smile as he looked at me with hope. 

“I suppose it is, what did you find out?” I could scarcely breathe in the pantyhose and pencil dress of blue navy I was hoisted into for the final hearing that day. My black heels made me a far deal taller than the kindly older man and I bent to hear his news. 

“The reason it’s taking so long to reconvene is that I filed a suit to have Mr. Randall pay all court fees as well as attorney fees. Also, I’ve secured quite a bit in child support. His lawyer told me he’s willing to agree to giving you full permanent custody as long as you don’t go for alimony.”

I snorted unbecomingly. Spousal support would have been an outrageous amount per month, even Jamie shook his head at the number Ned had emailed me when he did the calculation. 

“So Fergus isn’t worth giving up so much of his salary…” 

I knew it meant we would be free of him, but I couldn’t help but feel pain in my heart for the little boy at home with Jamie right now. The fact that his own father was putting money before his child was heartbreaking, but on-brand with what Ned had predicted going into today. 

“Oh and the matter of the marital residence. It’s yours free and clear of his name once he signs the quit-claim deed. It’s an excellent outcome, Claire.” 

I didn’t feel like celebrating though, as we reconvened and passed around the papers to sign. 

Frank would walk free. 

His friends…. Our friends… had rallied around him after his arrest, finding funds to post his bail easily. 

Frank’s quick action of sending our texts to all the people we had known was a dirty trick he had played at first opportunity. 

It was his last ditch effort to control the narrative and it had worked. I would be forever known as the one who cheated even though Frank had immediately taken up with one of his coworkers, Eliza. She was a good ten years his junior and with no children of her own, Frank soon slipped into the night life and ways of bachelor-hood with little thought to Fergus. In fact, in the weeks leading up to that day in court, Fergus hadn’t even asked about his father and Frank certainly didn’t reach out. 

Just as quietly as our marriage had started, it was over. Any further hearings would be ex-parte and wouldn’t need me or Frank in court to dissolve the marriage further. It would be a few months yet before we would get the official papers in the mail, but my part was done. 

I remember going to the lady’s room after the gavel came down hard and cold, echoing in the room with its finality. I held onto the marble sink and breathed in shakily. No one tells you how to let go of the years given to a man who wishes you never existed. None of that mattered. The feeling that those years were simply gone, vanished into the disappointment of the past, it cut me deeply and sharply in that moment. I found it hard to breathe in the first few moments of my new future. The cold reality that everything would forever be different hit me anew. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a haunted spectre staring back at me. My slim form was a mockery to my actual health. I knew better. The hot tears welled up in my eyes for the first time that day. As much as I hated him, I was incredibly sad. Frank was a stranger to me now. I silently mourned the loss of the young, charming boyish man I had met all those years ago. He was gone. Long gone. Replaced by a cold automaton that would forever bite my name and leave me haunted with the ghosts of his actions. 

.........................................................................................................................................................

Ned escorted me out into the daylight. The late December air was quiet with threats of snow. My heels clacked down the stone steps and I stopped to shake hands with the lawyer. 

“I can’t fully express how much this means to me, Ned. Thank you for all you’ve done for me and my son, I won’t forget your kindness.” 

Ned shook my hand firmly, a smile playing at his lips.

“Anytime, my dear. By the way, I do think you have a bit of a reception waiting for you.” 

He nodded down to the street. My mouth fell open as I saw Jamie’s gray Volkswagen with the windows down, blaring “Single Ladies” unashamed with Fergus’s curly dark hair bobbing up and down in the backseat to the music. 

I laughed and ran to the car. Jamie got out and before I could speak, spun me around in the air like a little kid. I squealed as my heels took flight from under me.

“Congratulations, Sassypants! So how much are we celebrating?” He cried out in pure joy. 

I was bright red at how many people were staring at us. 

“With only the finest of takeout on paper plates at home.” 

“Sounds posh.” Jamie said as serious as he could before I swatted at him to let me down.

..................................................................................................................................................................

Later in the evening, Jamie and I sat in front of the roaring fire in my hearth. I had ignored the congratulatory texts from Jenny and Ian and turned my phone off. It lay cold and dark on my nightstand. The fortunes from our cookies were laid out on the table still and the crumbs were brushed around the scene. A usual clean freak, I didn’t care. Nothing mattered that night. Only his arms around me, I came out of my bedroom clutching a wooden box to my chest. 

Jamie didn’t ask when I begged him to build me a fire. It was time to lay some ghosts to rest. 

“Old letters.” I said simply. “It’s time to let them go.” 

I set the box on the hearth next to the glass of pinot noir I had left half full. 

“Whatever you need, love. Just let me know if I can help.” Jamie said quietly, allowing me to sit there in the silence listening to the pops and cracks of the searing red logs. 

I silently took each parchment, wax-sealed envelope between my pale fingers and released them. Some open, some closed. The words, written in blue ink had disappeared into the chasm of darkness and ash. 

The one he wrote me when Fergus was born. How happy we had been. 

Mother’s day. My first one. 

Words like ‘my darling’ ‘my love’ ‘my wife’ all gone in smoke. 

Jamie kissed the back of my head and I leaned back into his chest, finally holding out the very last letter Frank had ever written me. I let it go, the heat from the fire catching a small breeze under it, taking it upwards into the chimney flue and fire. 

Large, silent tears spilled out of my eyes and down my face. Jamie’s strong arms supported me and wrapped around my body. I allowed only one sob to escape my lips as he comforted me. 

“I’m sorry,” I said shakily. 

Jamie shook his head, his blue eyes covered by his dark blonde brows suddenly knit together in a quick frown. 

“You needn’t apologize, Claire.” 

I sniffed in surprise, I thought he would be upset to see how many tears I’d shed for the man who hurt me, but his eyes were honest and his gaze was understanding. 

“I ken it’s not the same, but at one point you did love him. If you ever lost me I’d hope you’d weep as well.” Jamie blinked at me. “It shows character for you rather than pity for the brute.” 

I took his hand and held it close. 

“It hurts, Jamie. Letting go.” 

Jamie shifted his weight and drew me back into himself, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and resting his head on my neck. Words did not suffice and he didn’t offer any, he simply offered himself, the comfort of being close to someone without having to speak. I welcomed the calm he brought me, listening to him breathe in the silence as the fire crackled and creaked in front of us. 

“Banefyre.” Jamie muttered. 

“What did you say?” 

“Ah, just this reminds me of something my Nan used to say when I was a wee one.” Jamie nodded to the fire. 

“Banefyre. Bone. Fire.” He broke it down into separate words for me.

“Bonfire?” 

He kissed my cheek, his beard tickling my neck. I tucked my head into the nook of his chest and curled up closer sensing a story. He obliged. 

“Aye. It wasn’t always called that, though. My Nan told me that back in the ancient times people would burn things they didn’t want to take wi’ them into the new year. Cloth, parchment, scraps, maybe even a bit of bone here and there to ward off the evil spirits following them home. A banefyre was an event the village had once a year around solstice. Everyone would come out and get rid of the past together. Each house offers one thing to keep in the past.” 

“Hmm. I like that.” 

“Me too.” Jamie hugged me tighter. “The brighter it burns the less we leave behind.” 

I had no words as I tossed the wooden box onto the flames as well. Offering up every last scrap I had of him, I let him go. The past would keep Frank Randall far from me. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonefire: the word itself is an early form of our current 'bonfire' traditionally called 'banefyre' from Scotland in middle English. To burn could be celebratory practices or more ancient ones. Jamie's tale is inspired by The Haunting of Bly Manor when one of the characters goes into the history of the bonfire. To burn away the ghosts of the past before the cold of winter. 
> 
> On divorce: I cried multiple times writing this chapter, it all seems so fresh even though it was five years ago for me and I am now happily re-married. It's cathartic to get it out but it still hurts. The loss of losing a marriage, those years that someone tosses aside. The pain of having to send your child to visit the person who sought out to destroy you after all you'd been through together. I still weep for the birthdays, holidays, vacations I'll never get back that the court mandates my son spends with his dad even though his 'real' daddy lives here with us as a step-dad. Divorce leaves a hole behind where everything just goes to dissolve into the acid of a relationship breakdown. You can be happy to be out and still feel all the mourning of the loss of a marriage.


	28. My Tears Ricochet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year :) 
> 
> Thank you for all the kind comments and love shown to this story. I appreciate each and every one of you so much. May you and your families have a happy and blessed new year. Enjoy!

“Miss Claire are you okay?” 

My head snapped up, Patrice, the gap-toothed kindergartener next to me, nudged me awake and climbed into my lap on the carpet. I had nodded off sitting at the back of the room with the littles as they had their story time. Patrice was my main man, five years old and full of energy, life and lots of ADHD. In the mornings, I was assigned to check in with him and help him stay on task according to his individual education plan or IEP. 

“Oh? Yeah. Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well, bud. Time for table work, let’s go!” 

I cracked my neck sideways and breathed in deeply as I got up to help aid in the classroom. A few minutes later, I watched in amusement as the teacher, Ms. Campbell, presented an entire safety and use seminar on scissors to the class before handing out the tiny instruments. Most of the littles tried hard to use their new hand tool and tiny brows were knit together in concentration with tongues out and wiggling heads as they attempted to cut circles into construction paper. 

It was my first month on the job and I was loving it. The hugs, tears and sneaking snacks to children I know didn’t get enough at home was more than enough productivity to keep my recent divorce far from my mind. My steps had a new life to them as I walked the linoleum halls and breathed in the smell of crayons, pencils and paper. The faint hum of a copier came droning from the teacher’s lounge as I slipped in between classes to make a cup of coffee in the Keurig. 

As the hot liquid bubbled into my mug, I yawned and nearly jumped when I turned to see Mr. Wotring enter the room. 

“Ms. Beauchamp,” He nodded to me. 

I was only too thankful the school was kind enough to start referring to me by my maiden name instead of how they had known me for the past year as Mrs. Randall. 

“Oh, Mr. Wotring, hi.” I said quickly smoothing the front of my navy slacks. 

_ Damnit.  _

Patrice had left a sticky handprint of blue and gold glitter on my thigh as he had hugged me goodbye that morning. 

“Kinders,” Mr. Wotring followed my gaze and chuckled. “Love them or hate them they certainly leave their mark on you.” 

His large flipper-like hand gestured to his own sweater where someone had smudged what I  _ hoped  _ was chocolate on the front of his beige pullover. You never could tell with the morning group. 

“You settling in alright, Ms. Beauchamp?” 

The question took me by surprise but it was a perfect chance to bring up something important. 

“Yeah. Thanks. Um. I did want to ask, I know this is just temp now but …. Am I able to get healthcare if this turns permanent?” 

Mr. Wotring shifted uncomfortably and opened his mouth like a fish out of water. 

“Er…. well, no. I’m sorry I thought you knew that. Now with this position, you do have the opportunity to go back to school. We’ll pay for your masters in education or if you’d want to do something else like TESOL.” 

My heart sank, my healthcare was terminated upon the divorce finalization. My general practitioner suggested an antidepressant for the sleeplessness I was experiencing. I had postponed picking up the prescription … 

“TESOL?” I repeated

“Teaching English as a second language,” Mr. Wotring explained. “I’ll see if you can shadow Mrs. Brown for a while I think you’d be interested. It’s a great position, we’re always in need of teachers for our newcomers.” 

“Thanks, I’ll look into that.” 

I tried to hide my disappointment at the news. Fergus was still covered under Frank’s insurance but I didn’t realize I would be going without in my new full time position. I loved work, I didn’t want to switch career paths now. Plus there was the issue of childcare if I did… 

I thought about my options all day, determined to pick up the new medication anyway. I could move some payments around to make it work. But still, $15 an hour only went so far in Boston. 

I pushed open the door to room 1503, 6th grade English. The smell of pencils was strong, but also hormones and hoodies and the hunger of most preteens. 

“Ms. B!” A few of the kids yelled out. “Come help us settle something.” 

I walked over to the group of kids as tall as me, gathered around a white horseshoe-shaped table in the corner by the shelves at the back of the room. 

“Kenny said that Patrick was sus and we want to know if you agree.” 

I laughed, I had a crash course in modern slang my first week on the job.

“Well he does steal my good pencils soooooo….” 

“Bruh, that ain’t even fair.” Patrick objected quickly. 

“Patrick, don’t call me “Bruh” also… you guys we’ll get in trouble if we don’t discuss Dickens at some point, so…. Class? Get out your books, time to get to work.” 

The groans that met my ears were only too-welcome. I grinned. 

_ A Tale of Two Cities  _ was the topic of discussion and I was only too happy to read classic literature while the rain outside pelted the windows. 

……………………………………………………………………

I recounted my work day to Jamie in my kitchen that evening. I scooped cornbread batter into a skillet to place in the oven while hot homemade chicken soup rolled at a boil on my stovetop. The smell of home and happiness filled the air. Fergus was mashing Play-doh on the table happily humming the intro to Thomas and Friends. 

Jamie popped his lean body against the cabinets and rested his head on his arm, watching me. His deep ocean eyes sparkling in the light from the overhead pendant fixture reflecting the mercury glass globe we had upgraded to last weekend. His clean cut jaw set into a clear smirk. 

“What?” 

He shook his head, his auburn waves were getting long now, they moved lightly around his eyebrows and played at the collar of his warm brown flannel shirt collar. 

“Nothing, Claire. It’s just I’ve never seen ye so happy. It does my heart good to see it.” 

He came close, brushing his lips on my hair with a kiss as he grabbed the pan to set it in the oven for me. 

“Smells amazing.” 

“Hmm.” I smiled. “It does. And I am happy, Jamie.” 

“There is one thing I worry about though,” Jamie playfully nudged me. “Is this Patrice going to steal my woman from me, he sounds like a right wee player.” 

I giggled, “No, no he won’t. I mean, he’d like to! But no, Jamie. You and Fergus are my men for life.” 

“Glad to hear it.” Jamie’s voice was smooth and warm like caramel as he spun me around and into a close embrace. He swayed with me with no music and I had grown to love our kitchen slow-dances. 

Wool socks on the wood floor, the light of the warm pendant lamp overhead. Fergus’s chirpy voice humming out his garish tune. The smell of soap and slight cedar from Jamie’s neck so near my face. I smiled at the pinpoint beauty mark on his collarbone, Jamie laughed as I lifted up on my tiptoes to kiss that specific spot. It was so dear to me. The details of the man I loved overwhelmed my senses and I was happily carried away into domestic bliss. 

……………………………………………………………………………

I had nodded off on Jamie’s chest during our movie. I awoke to him tucking me in tenderly on my couch, wrapping my fluffy white plush blanket around my shoulders. 

“Was I out long?” 

Jamie smiled at me, “Aye, only since ten minutes in. I didn’t want to wake ye, Sassypants, you looked so peaceful.” 

I pulled him down into a kiss, a warm sensation shot down my spine and I relished having him so close to me. 

“Can you stay tonight?” I asked hopefully. 

Jamie pulled his brows together into a regretful frown. 

“I better get going, I was supposed to run over best man things with Ian. He insisted I be back at a decent hour.” 

“What is the hour?” I asked, shuffling my hands around to find my phone.

“Not decent,” Jamie chuckled, his voice low and rolling. “You go back to sleep, Claire. I’ll lock up.” 

My eyelids were so heavy, “Mk. Jamie?” 

“Yes?” 

“I love you.” 

“I ken it. I love you, too.” 

I closed my eyes as I heard him rummaging around the entry putting on his trainers and coat. I felt the pleasant scratch of the wool coat on my cheek as he bent to kiss my forehead again. 

I heard Jamie set the alarm by the door with a few digital chirps and lock the door behind him. I fell into a dreamless sleep within two minutes of me hearing his car slowly back out of the drive. 

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I awoke around 2 am to the sound of pounding on my front door. I jumped out of my skin, my heart racing. Grabbing my blanket around me, I scrambled around for my phone thinking it might’ve been Jamie. Was there an emergency? Did someone get hurt? 

I didn’t know what to think and my mind was still slow and thick with sleep from the medication I was able to pick up that day. 

_ Damnit.  _

The one night I needed to be awake I was finally getting the much-needed rest I had sought out. 

I didn’t see any texts from Jamie as my phone lit up the room with the blue light of the screen. My phone’s background was a photo of me and Jamie a little worse for wear at night outside a pub at Ian and Jenny’s combined bachelor/bachelorette party at the pub, Crown and Stag, downtown. Jamie’s arms around me, both of us clinging to each other with stupid grins on our faces. 

The knocks on my door got louder and I turned off the alarm to open the main one inwards to see out the glass storm door. 

“Frank?!” 

His dark hair was disheveled and he was beating on the door, terror gripped me as I immediately tried to shut the door and lock it. My shaking fingers swiped up on my phone and I speed-dialed Jamie, pressing emergency contact on the lock screen. 

“Claire.” His voice was low and desperate. “I need Fergus and I need to see my son.” 

He slurred his words slightly and I knew he had been drinking. 

“Frank, you’re drunk.” I hissed through the crack in the door, keeping the storm door closed between us. “Go home.” 

“Not til I see him,” Frank said darkly, I heard his voice break into a sob. “I just want to see my son.” 

“Tomorrow then,” I replied in exhaustion. I noticed my phone went to voicemail on the call, Jamie must be asleep. I didn’t bother to hang up. 

My temporary terror subsided as I knew Frank was out of it and more sad than angry. I had handled him a million times like this before and tonight was no different. 

“Claire.” Frank pleaded. I could tell he was crying. My own emotions sprang up in my eyes as my tears clouded my vision of him in the porch light. 

“Frank, I’m serious. You’re going to wake him up. You need to go.” 

“Christ, Claire. Can’t you see how much I’m hurting. I just want to see our son.” Frank’s plea was genuine. 

In spite of everything, my heart broke at the sound of his voice. I could only imagine if it were me, of course Frank had kept away by choice but now…. 

“He’s asleep, Frank. Come back tomorrow when you’re sober, you can play with him then.” 

“God you’re such a bitch.” He replied sourly, he sank down to the front step and sat there, head in his hands. 

I opened my mouth to say something about the restraining order but then I realized it had been lifted as our divorce was finalized. 

My heart fought a valiant battle with my head as I surveyed him through the storm door. The wrecked man before me was a far cry from the man I had seen in court. Frank sobbed openly, his thin shoulders wracked with grief. 

“I’m sorry, Claire. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve it. Any of it.” 

A lump grew in my throat and I felt a tear spill down my cheek, hot and wet and completely unwelcome. 

“I just want to see my baby, Claire. Please. I’ll go. I promise. I just want to see my son.” 

Against all my better judgement, I unlocked the storm door. 

“Come in. But then you’ll leave straight away.” I said dully. 

My heart thudded a cold, shivering beat as I pushed the door open. Frank stood up and turned around quickly, his sobs broke into joy, a look that was both strange and unbecoming on his Grecian features. His dark eyes red with tears. 

“Thank you.” Frank said, his voice breaking. “I promise.” 

He stepped in quietly and I smelled the odor of whiskey neat upon his breath as he quietly walked past me to Fergus’s room. 

Frank stood in the doorway, hands bracing himself as he looked in. I stood back between him and the front door and steadied myself against the couch. 

I never in a million years thought I would see him again in this place. My place. 

I hated him, I wanted to utterly despise him and yet… I felt sorry for the shell of the man before me. His shoulders shook silently as he cried openly, Fergus’s curly head could be seen poking above his blankets, luckily he did not wake. 

Frank stepped back, breathing in shakily. 

“I miss my boy. God. I’m so sorry, Claire. I miss my boy.” 

I regained some composure as he stepped towards me and away from Fergus’s room. The light from the open door reflecting his thin cheeks, wet with tears. 

“You should leave now.” I said coldly. 

Frank took a step towards the front door and then stopped. 

“I’m desperately sorry for the father I’ve been.” 

I swallowed hard and whispered, “Me, too.” 

Frank moved to step outside, I followed and readied myself to shut the door behind him. It was strange to see the man who wrecked me and my mind before me and feel pity for him, not hatred. I found it was easy to hate, but to see him now I was reminded of a younger Frank. I saw a shadow of the boyish man I had loved and lost in his admission and grief. My tears ricocheted from my own eyes onto the floor as I followed him out. I reminded myself I was in control now, not him. I felt empowered by the fact he was following my orders and would be gone in a minute. 

As he stood on the stoop he turned to face me, his dark eyes looking at me earnestly. 

“Thank you, Claire.” 

I nodded slowly. 

Frank stepped towards me suddenly and went in to kiss my cheek. I recoiled and without hesitating, in a knee-jerk reaction, I slapped his face away from me hard. All pity was gone and the pure hatred for the man who fathered my child welled up in my throat as did the feeling of disgust in my stomach. 

Frank held his face in shock. His dark eyes were empty before registering anger at me. There it was. His jaw set and the lines near his mouth hardened into two deep-set channels into his growing scowl. 

“Why you-” Frank lunged to grab me by the shoulders and for a moment his hands gripped my arms like a vice. But only for a moment. 

A second later, he was pinned against the brick wall near the door by a giant force that rushed the front stoop. It took me a second to recognize the gray blur of Jamie’s coat under the porch light and his auburn curls poking out from his slouched green beanie. His arm was an iron bar under Frank’s chin as he pinned the man to the wall and growled in his ear. 

“I’ll thank ye to take your hands off my girlfriend.” 

I stepped back in shock and sighed in relief. Frank let out a cold, dry laugh. He was back. 

“You touch her again, you’re dead Frank Randall. I’ll see to that myself.” 

“YOUR girlfriend, eh?” Frank’s dark eyes snapped as Jamie let his arm fall, dropping Frank from his hold against the wall. 

The two men stared hotly at each other, Jamie’s jaw twitched in revolt as he bit his tongue. 

“I knew you were fucking her long before she ever left me. She’s a whore. You two deserve each other.” 

There was a sickening crack as Jamie moved at lightning speed, shutting up Frank with a quick fist to the face thrown in an upper-cut movement. Two-hundred-and-fifty pounds of pure muscle was no match for the academic. Frank swayed for a moment before sinking to the ground. 

“Jamie!” I gasped as he stood over Frank breathing heavily. 

Frank’s thin form was nothing more than a crumpled heap on the cold brick of my front stoop. He did not move. 


	29. Your Sins Will Find You Out

“Get inside, Claire.” 

Jamie’s voice sounded like gravel in the frail air of early morning. 

“But-” 

“I’ll handle it.” Jamie set his jaw, pursing his lips and commanding me inside with his gaze. 

As groggy as I was from the medicine, my mind was clear enough from the shock of it all to know we were in this together. 

“No.” I said shortly. “I’m not leaving you. I let him in, you were just protecting me from my own stupidity.” 

Jamie’s started back and his eyes flashed dark blue in the porch light. 

“You  _ let _ him in?” His tone was incredulous. 

My cheeks flushed in embarrassment in spite of the situation we were in. 

“With Fergus in there? Christ, Claire what were you thinking?” He all but spat the words out at me. 

“He… he wanted to see him.” I said meekly. 

“Aye and beat the shite out of ye to boot.” Jamie cursed in Gaelic, another Fraser family trait. His accent became thicker with emotion I had noticed and right now he sounded somewhere akin to Jenny and what their Nan must have sounded like. 

Jamie grabbed the hat off his head and ran his hands through his hair looking down intently at Frank’s body crumpled on the ground like a piece of paper. We simply stood looking down at him in horror, both of us frozen. The seconds ticked by like minutes. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears with the whoosh of heightened anxiety. My pulse sounded like the ocean with its own ebb and flow. 

Suddenly Frank groaned almost inaudibly and stirred on the ground. My first instinct was to scream but that would only wake the neighborhood to what could only have been considered a scene that would not paint me or Jamie in the best light. I put a hand over my mouth and breathed in sharply. 

Even in the dim light I could see blood at the edge of Frank’s mouth, trickling down his chin like a black line of motor oil in the darkness of the night. 

“You’ll regret this. You’ll both regret this.” Frank recovered, still reeling from the blow and holding his jaw in his hands. 

Jamie let out a hissing breath and knelt over him, to my surprise he put a hand on Frank’s back to steady him and with another he went to help him up but not before he whispered low and harsh in Frank’s ear. 

I did not hear what was said. 

Frank’s eyes opened and in spite of his current state, I could see the cold, hard anger as he looked up at me. He didn’t dare say another word to me. Jamie grabbed his arm roughly and picked him up by it, setting Frank upright but wobbling. Frank staggered to his car, the keys still in the engine. 

  
  


“Your sins will find you out, Fraser.” Frank said darkly, spitting a line of red into the snow as he gripped his car door with white knuckles. “You’ll see.” 

  
  


Jamie enveloped me in his arms and put his coat around me as I had on just a small sweater. I hadn’t realized I was shivering. I clung onto him as my steady rock and shield as we watched Frank’s inebriated driving disappear down the road.

……………………………………………………………….

Jamie tucked me into my bed, set the alarm and locked all the doors and windows. 

“What did he mean, Jamie?” 

Jamie shook his head, “He meant nothing by it, Claire. Just mad words from a madman.” 

“We could still call someone, after all he was drunk driving….” 

Jamie shook his head, “Let Frank Randall hang himself, give him enough rope and he will. Trust me.” 

I was irritated at Jamie’s desire to always take the high road. Even after clocking Frank he was determined not to stoop to his level again. 

“Are you alright?” Jamie sat down close to me on the bed and looked at my shoulders, lifting up the sweater to check for bruising. 

“I’m fine, he didn’t have time thanks to you.” 

“Aye.” Jamie agreed darkly. “Christ, Claire. What were you thinking?” 

The emotions I had tried hard to swallow down were vomiting to the surface. Tears spilled over my lashes as I furiously batted them away. 

“I thought…. If it were me …. If I didn’t get to see Fergus, I’d just-” I stammered. “I don’t know, Jamie. I know it makes no sense.” 

Jamie’s thumbs gently caressed my cheeks as he took my face in his hands, he wiped my tears away carefully and I saw his square jaw soften and his eyes moisten just a little bit. 

“Babe. I’m sorry, it’s just….” He struggled to find the words. “You’re too kind, Claire. It worries me. I’ve a duty to keep you safe, you and the boy.” 

I sniffed sharply, my heart soaring even through the pain I felt. 

“You do make that awful hard, Claire.” Jamie chided softly. 

He gathered me up in his arms and let me rest my head on his chest. My tears left dark spots on his gray tee and I smothered my face in his neck willingly. 

“I never want you to leave me, Jamie.” 

Jamie was silent for a moment. 

“Then I won’t.” 

His fingers traced my shoulders tenderly where Frank had grasped in his desperate struggle, then moved to the middle of my back leaving goosebumps down my arms. 

“It tears my heart out Claire. Every night when I leave here. I worry so much for you and for the boy, I can’t stand the thought of you two alone here with him still walking free.” 

His voice caught on the ending of his thought. 

I hugged him tighter, my hands meeting and clasping behind his neck. 

“Is it too soon to do this yet? I know…. I….” Jamie struggled to find the words, I looked up at him and saw his blue eyes steeled in logic, yet pensive in thought. 

“On the whole I’d want to do it properly, Claire. To call you my wife if we’re living together. But I don’t think the Lord himself would want you or the boy at risk like that for a technicality. Would you mind terribly if I …. If I stayed here a while? At least until I saw you safe.” 

A slow smile crept across my face at his sincere innocence. We had broken his bed frame in our eager attempts at one-ness with each other, yet here he was debating the finer points of how it would look to the world if his car was outside more than it usually was. Still. I understood the weight of the question. 

“I wouldn’t mind.” I said solemnly. 

Jamie smiled, his features relaxing and he kissed my forehead before cuddling me close, my head resting in the dip of his breastbone. I felt the weight leave my chest before I remembered. 

“What should we do about Frank, do you think he’ll call the police?” 

Jamie shifted his arms around me and cleared his throat. 

“No. No I don’t think he will. But we’ll be careful, Claire. I’ll call Ned in the morning and we’ll ask what to do about getting the restraining order set in place again. Or what to do if he presses charges….” 

I shuddered involuntarily. 

Jamie held me tighter. “Rest, Sassypants. There’s no need to worry about it now, let the bugger pass out somewhere and see if he even remembers in the morning, he was pished.” 

Frank wasn’t that “pished” and we both knew it. But he was right, there was nothing to be done. Not tonight. I fell asleep after a while, sinking into his chest with his deep breaths tickling the tendrils of dark hair around my temples as he, too, fell into a fitful slumber. 

…………………………………………………………………

There was a powerful urgency in Jamie that roused me to respond, no matter how late or early the hour. Maybe it was the mere fact that Frank had made an appearance and tried to assert himself over me in dominance that made me eager to push the memory aside. Maybe it was that the hour was very late and Jamie was in fact very handsome. I had wanted him for months before and perhaps all those looks and glances had added up to an insatiable desire for him now that he was mine. I had spent hours remembering the shape of his face, his hands, his lithe body in the glow of the stage lights standing in the wings. The things I had wanted to do to him became a new reality. I enjoyed letting him dominate me with his sheer strength but also coming to him like this, seeking and desperate for tender affection. 

Male virginity was vastly underrated as a rare commodity and I was almost religious in my thanking of the holy mother and saints above for the gift of his desire and need for me that he never seemed to be without. Maybe we needed no reason at all to come together in the blind need of two people trying to find comfort, peace, maybe even a little respite from the cruel world outside the warmth of our bed. 

I entwined myself with him, my legs wrapping around his own as he grabbed my hips and pressed them to himself. Jamie turned me over to my back surely and set to work with his lips and tongue brushing passionately over my neck, then my collarbone. His hands wandered the landscape of my body, stopped to cradle my breasts and bring them to his lips. I noticed he was sliding down my body as he leaned over me, supporting himself up on his muscular arms. My stomach trembled as he brushed his fingers over the stretch marks that covered my lower abdomen like lightning scars. 

His kisses turned to the inside of my thighs and I let out a shuddering gasp as he put his arms under my legs and pulled me to him. I could feel his breath on my skin as he gently separated my legs. Jamie looked up at me, half drunk with love and wonder. His gaze was a question and I answered by letting my knees fall apart and resting my head back into the white duvet. 

It was a sensation that was entirely new to me. I had never before been with a man who wanted to please a woman in that way, let alone me. As much as I tried to keep Frank out of my thoughts, I was reminded of how different he and Jamie were. 

The butterfly wing fluttering between my legs grew and became more intense. I arched my back, my lower hips resting in the palms of his hands as he held me there, helpless. A few delirious minutes later, I cried out in a glorious agony and my fingers trembled as they hastily sought and entangled with Jamie’s thick curls on the back of his head. 

I twitched once as he slowly slipped his hands out from under my hips and sat up. My heartbeat was rushing in my ears in a steady roar and my face flushed and glowed with both perspiration and contentment. 

“Where’d you learn to do that?” I asked breathlessly. 

Jamie’s voice chuckled. 

“I said I was a virgin, not a saint, Sassypants.” 

I didn’t quite grasp his meaning but I was too happy and languid to care. 

“God bless Scotland.”

Jamie’s laugh bounced around the room and he took me in his arms again, this time pulling me on top of him. 

“No.” I protested. “It’s only fair, I want to do that to you, too.” 

Jamie’s mouth twitched into a wicked grin. 

“Later. But now,” He held me to him tightly and I could feel him hard against me. “Now I intend to make you my own, Sassypants.” 

“Oh really?” I begged. 

“Aye and I’ll have you calling me your master by the end.” 

I laughed and then immediately stopped joking as he shared a serious look with me that was full of meaning. I rested my forehead to his, our noses met and we held them there a moment enjoying the closeness as our souls and bodies collided. 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

The next morning was a Saturday, after two pots of medium roast coffee and croissants with jam and butter, Jamie and I answered a call back from Mr. Gowan. 

Jamie was right, he never took a day off. 

“Well now, James. I got your message and did some digging.”

Ned’s voice echoed around my kitchen as I held Jamie’s hand tightly at the table when the phone was set to speaker. 

“The good news is no reports have been made against you or Claire. However I did find out one interesting tidbit. Until the papers are officially filed by the court, the last court date didn’t actually end the restraining order. Mr. Randall was absolutely violating the order that was still in place to even show up at the residence.” 

“Meaning?” Jamie asked quickly. 

“Meaning he would be a fool to press charges against either of you at this point, besides it would be in self-defense if we ever got it to court. Also, Claire? I’ve a bit of news for you as well, are you sitting down, dear?” 

My heart stopped, “Yes?” 

Jamie’s hand gripped mine tighter. 

“Now this is strictly off-radar since I’m not supposed to know this, but I had a conversation with a friend in the Cordell law firm that proved… interesting.” 

I recognized the name as Frank’s lawyer group. 

“Turns out one of them has a client facing jail time for getting pulled over last night. Driving under the influence. Also…. Several grams of illegal drugs in the backseat. Turns out your ex-husband had developed quite a problem.” 

There was only one question at the forefront of my mind. 

“And Fergus? How does that change visitation?” 

Ned’s reply was withheld a moment as he thought, “Ah. Well, that’s a bit tricky. As of now he still has rights to visitation but that will most definitely be supervised. Now since it’s a first offence chances are he'll be required to attend rehab and from there prove himself clean to be able to resume visits.” 

“Resume?” I echoed, my ears tingling with the anger I felt rising in my throat and throughout my face into a red flush. 

Jamie gripped my hand tightly. 

“Father’s rights unfortunately have high importance here in the state of Massachusetts, Claire. Now the best course of action is to let things play out. Time will tell. If Mr. Randall gets better, wonderful. If he does not… we have to give him the opportunity to hang himself with his own rope. We’re playing for the long game of keeping Fergus’s best interests at heart here.” 

I nodded slowly, Jamie spoke up for me and concluded the phone call. 

“Damn.” I said shortly. 

Jamie didn’t say anything but looked to me for guidance on how to react to the news. 

“I know….” I began slowly. “That it’s important for Ferg to know his dad and grow up to make his own opinions. But … would it be just awful of me to admit that I wish he would just die?” 

Jamie breathed in deeply, “No, not considering what’s happened, Claire. I ken you want things to be black and white but things rarely are….” 

Tears welled up and clouded my view, my throat clogged with the disappointment and despair of knowing Frank would go on, he would always be a part of my life as long as he drew breath. 

“I’m fucking sick of gray, Jamie. All my life everything has been up in the air and I’m fucking sick of it.” My voice shook as I held in the hatred that burned inside my heart thinking of Frank. 

A world where Frank Randall lived and breathed and threatened both Jamie and I was not a world I wanted to be alive in. 

“It’s not fair. How does he get to fucking rape me and walk free? A man like Frank will get a slap on the wrist for the drugs and walk free for rape? How is that fucking fair. There is something seriously messed up when a rapist only gets in trouble for illegal substance abuse. What the fuck, Jamie?” 

I pounded my fist down on the table and let the shiver of pain that ran through my arm soothe me. Somewhere the outward pain of the action helped to ease the inner trauma and fury. 

Jamie crossed to me and pulled me wordlessly into an embrace. 

“I know it’s not fair. But Frank Randall will not go free, Claire. He loses so much. Not to mention you and Fergus. I can’t think of a worse punishment than that.” 

“It doesn’t mean anything to him, I want him to suffer. I want him to hurt like he hurt me! I want someone to fucking rip his soul out and take away all his ability to fight back. God I want to die-” 

My voice rose into yells and I fought to get out of Jamie’s arms. He held me tighter, shushing me and holding me close without hurting me. He firmly kept me to him. When he spoke his voice was breaking. 

“I know ye want that, Claire. But we don’t. We want you back with us. Your boy needs you. I need you. Your life has so much more to offer than what that bastard took from you. I promise, Claire. I swear that one day he’ll get what he deserves but until then, he’ll not get to touch you. You nor Fergus. I’ll see to that. I promise.” 

He spoke in short, terse sentences, his eyes searching my face as he pulled me back to look at me. 

“I know what it’s like to want death, Claire. To want it more than anything else. But….” 

He kissed my tears on my cheeks and then my forehead and I let go. Of the fear, the hatred, the burning desire for retribution. I let it all go into the sobs that wracked my body. 

Sometimes healing isn’t black and white. Sometimes it comes in areas of gray where love resides. Sometimes it tiptoes in, in the quiet stolen moments of budding love and affection. Sometimes it rides the gentle wings of hope that someone else offers you. But ultimately, it comes when you least expect it. 

As Jamie held me, I began to heal. 

And today, I am still healing. He has never left my side. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled a lot in writing this chapter. I was torn between telling the truth of my own story, the fact that my ex did in fact walk free with everything he had done, and telling a more satisfying story of how he got caught and received delicious retribution for all his evils. 
> 
> Divorce is messy, everything I wanted to be black and white was gray. In that gray muddle, you find yourself again and piece together a new life, step by step along the way. Like Claire, I am playing long game at the mercy of the courts, with most states re-asserting father's rights custody is now 50/50 for so many women even when abuse is involved. To stay true to this story is to tell the unfortunate truth that sometimes you have to live your life without finding closure of your deepest pain. To live each day and hope beyond hope that one day, just once it will all make sense. 
> 
> I was lucky enough to find my Jamie. He has never left me. We celebrated four years last month. <3


	30. Denouement

/ˌdāno͞oˈmäN/

_ noun _

  * the final part of a play, movie, or narrative in which the strands of the plot are drawn together and matters are explained or resolved



...................................................................................................................................................

Three years later. September 7th, 2019 

I held my breath as I turned around in front of the round room, the hairstylist whipped the back of my head into a low fishtail braid and pinned it up with expertise. The fashion class participants were amazed but I knew it was a trick of the extremely thick hair I possessed and her nimble fingers. I had posed, stood poised and held my breath pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth for the better part of two hours that afternoon. My shirt was a sunshine yellow and French tucked into a pair of perfectly distressed wide-leg jeans with black patent stiletto heels. 

I was back. The lights, the waiting around, the intense amounts of hairspray and people tugging and touching at all parts of you to get you ready for the show. I had missed this. 

In some ways I was grateful for the break I got on the weekends when Fergus would visit Frank. My baby boy was six now, speaking a mile a minute in his funny affectations and very much my son. Jamie told me time and time again how we had the same sassy attitude and way we cocked our head when we were taking the piss out of him. 

Although I never trusted Frank, he had in fact improved to the point where he was allowed whole weekends with Fergus. He came back whole and happy to me and it gave Jamie and I a much-needed break as we both worked day in and out. I had achieved my TESOL license and was employed fully by the school teaching English as a second language to newcomers. I loved it with all my heart and was eager to go to my little classroom each day and do push-in work with the littles. Their smiling faces looked so young compared to Fergus’s and in my heart I longed for another babe. 

Jenny’s growing brood did nothing to stop those feelings within me. Wee Jamie had screamed his way into the world two years ago and Maggie the newborn arrived just two months ago. Fergus enjoyed playing with both of them and loved them as his own siblings. 

My phone buzzed in my bag as I changed an hour later into my street clothes, a light green tee shirt and jeans with moccasins. 

You coming? 

On my way. 

See you soon, Sassypants. Love you. 

I smiled and gathered up my things. I had no idea where he was taking me, but Jamie was intent on keeping it a surprise. 

We had dinner on the harbor at our favorite place, the smell of the ocean blew over us all evening as I wrapped my cardigan around my shoulders breathing in the last smells of summer. Although Jamie got fairly seasick quickly, he bore it in good stride that my favorite little mom and pops joint was on a converted house boat on the water. 

“Thanks for taking me here, Jamie. It’s good we got to come once more before they close up for the winter.” 

“This?” Jamie asked in amusement. “This is not the surprise, Claire.” 

_ Oh God.  _

“No?” I swallowed hard. Jamie hadn’t exactly been subtle in laying out my best sundress and there was the impromptu manicure session Jenny had all but kidnapped me for that Wednesday. I bit my cheek to hide the smile that was growing on my face. 

“No, we have a ways to go yet. Are you ready?”

I leaned against the wrought iron rail on the little boat restaurant and smiled. 

“Lead on, soldier.” I cut my hand up in a tiny salute and he chuckled. 

………………………………………………………………

I held Jamie’s hand on the drive. The sky was close to sunset as we drove down old country roads outside of the city. I had put down the moon roof on my Subaru and let the late summer breeze caress and tickle my yellow sundress around me as we rode. 

Jamie’s hand got clammy in my own and I could tell he was getting nervous. We turned down a long, gravel road lined with oaks. The grass beyond was a meadow of gold and green, dancing in the wind. The path itself looked little-traveled and there was no mailbox. 

“Jamie?” 

“You’ll see, keep looking.” Jamie nodded his head to the left and over a little hill in the gravel road. His round sunglasses mirrored the pines darkening the skyline at the edge of the meadow. 

“Oh!” I caught my breath as we rounded the bend. 

A whitewashed dilapidated, two story white farmhouse appeared rising up out of the meadow like the moon on the nearby horizon. It was gothic in style and the points on the old house were adorned in gingerbread-style woodwork. The old porch wrapped around the house like a warm shawl keeping it warm. Overall, the place looked like a little old lady, peering out of the darkness to see her grandchildren home safely after a long day of frolicking. The old arms of the building lay resting in lazy slumber, but I could tell it was alive and waiting. Waiting for life to rejoin its empty halls once more. 

We pulled into the circle drive in front of the house and in between the green shutters and the old, gray wood barn that stood off to the right. Jamie stopped the car and looked at me. 

“Want to check it out?” He asked, his voice soft. 

I nodded, curiosity getting the better of me. 

“What is this place?” 

Jamie got out of his door and ran around to open mine, his hands still warm and shaking a little as he offered me an arm and walked with me up to the front door. 

“Claire.” He began slowly. “You know I never thought I’d get married. All my life I never thought it was for me, because I never thought I would find someone to make me care as much as you have.” 

He took my hand to his lips as we walked. My heartbeat suddenly thumped wildly out of control. 

“I knew when I met you I would love you. I’ve been planning our lives together ever since and I’d like your input on this one thing. See, I bought this place-” 

“What?!” I exclaimed. 

Jamie smiled, his grin broad and his shoulders squared up in the evening light. 

“For us,” he continued. “But I wanted to make you feel like this place was as much yours as mine, so I did something.” 

My mouth fell open as he took a step with me to the worn front porch, the wood was warm and welcoming after a day in the Massachusetts sun. I stood just in front of the brown arched door and my hands shook as Jamie knelt down on one knee in front of me. 

My own knees felt weak at the sight. Jamie couldn’t contain his own joy, his deep blue eyes sparkling in the light. His hand searched for mine and held it close to his heart. 

Happy tears sprang to my eyes and I stifled a gasp as he pulled a small, silver ring from the breast pocket of his gray flannel shirt. 

“It’s not much but I figure you’d rather me invest in our home, we can always change this later.” He nodded to his hand as his rough fingers held a delicately woven silver band in it. It was a braided band, three twisted strands all joined together in a light Celtic design. The significance of the three strands was not lost on me. One for me, one for Jamie, one for Fergus. 

“This is the key to this place. Lallybroch Farm.” 

I looked into his eyes, now shining with his own tears and pride. Jamie’s love for me lit up his whole face as he said the next words slowly and with purpose. The light lilt of his accent affecting each word in his excitement. 

“Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp. Will you be my wife?” 

“Yes. Of course, yes!” I exclaimed, the words were hardly out of my mouth before he sprung up

and slipped the ring over my left hand finger. 

He kissed me hard and deep, his stubble scraping my chin delightfully. I squealed a little as he picked me up to spin me. 

“What do you say we fix up this place and make it our own? Forever and ever, babe.” 

I laughed, “It’s perfect Jamie, it’s so much bigger than our little flat!” 

“Aye, well we are going to have twelve children here.” He said nonchalantly. 

“Twelve?” I exclaimed. 

“One for each room of the house.” Jamie grinned at me, pulling another key out of his pocket and turning it into the latch. “Shall we?” 

“Yes!” I yelled, the noise echoed around happily into the summer hum of cicadas and locust in the field beyond. 

Jamie scooped me up into his muscular arms and carried me over the threshold into the dark foyer, closing the door to the Lallybroch farmhouse behind us on the warm September evening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here the story lies. 
> 
> Thank YOU for being absolutely kind and lovely to me while I wrote my first fanfic. I do intent on visiting Jamie and Claire in this universe again for warm fluffy feels and general Outlandish-escapades. 
> 
> Until we "meet" again. 
> 
> -CourageousJS 
> 
> Also, feel free to add me on tumblr or twitter by the same name! I'm always up for talking to friends :)


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